NFL Sunday Round-Up: Week Five

I’m not going to lie to you guys. I’m currently on vacation with my wife and kids this weekend, so I’m a little distracted. I didn’t have time to pump out the COLLEGE FOOTBALL ROUND-UP this weekend, but the NFL SUNDAY ROUND-UP is LIVE & COOKING! Things will be a little shorter than usual this week obviously because I’m short on time, but sometimes you have to make chicken food out of chicken shit. Am I right?

LET’S DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

NFL Sunday Round-Up

Week Five

 

 

Most Impressive Teams Of The Week

 

Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals have been a mess this season, but this week they got a win over a very good Buffalo Bills team in a hard-fought game on their home turf. I can’t state enough how big of a win this one was for the Bengals. With the Steelers blowing up against Jacksonville, the Bengals will have a huge chance in two weeks to pick the bones of Pittsburgh and make some serious movement in the division race. Who saw that coming when the Bengals were stinking up the season with their 0-3 start? Enjoy your bye week next weekend Bengals fans. I think you’ve earned it now.

 

Carolina Panthers: Carolina got a huge win last week against the New England Patriots, so a lot of folks were expecting a let down from the Panthers this weekend against the Lions. Detroit was 3-1 on the season and had already exceeded some people’s expectations for what they could be this season. Not only that, but we had the whole “Cam Newton is a sexist” scandal that went down last week where Newton stupidly was entertained by a female NFL writer talking about routes as if they are brain surgery. So it’s understandable that a letdown was expected. No one told the Panthers though. Carolina went into Detroit this weekend and smashed them in the mouth. Don’t let the final score fool you as this one wasn’t as close as the score indicates. Carolina was clearly the better team this weekend and they are rolling right now.

 

New York Jets: The New York Jets were supposed to be one of the worst teams in the NFL this season. Everyone thought they were tanking for the #1 overall pick, BUT I’VE ALREADY STATED NUMEROUS TIMES THAT IT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR NFL TEAMS TO TANK! The Jets have now won 3 games in a row and likely already have more wins than anyone in their right mind thought they would this season. This is why you don’t bet on football guys.

 

Philadelphia Eagles: Philadelphia absolutely housed the Arizona Cardinals this weekend. From the opening bell the Eagles came out throwing haymakers and the Cardinals couldn’t keep up. It was 21-7 at halftime and if you thought the Eagles were going to take their foot off of the gas after that? Eh eh. For some reason it looked like the Eagles had a message to send to the rest of the league this weekend and they did exactly that. Carson Wentz came out throwing darts for points and the Cardinals had no answer for anything that Philly did. Big time statement win for Philly who are now 4-1 on the season.

 

Jacksonville Jaguars: Pat yourself on the back Jaguars. Not only did you go to Pittsburgh and put a beatdown on the Steelers, but you managed to pick off Ben Roethlisberger five times and are now sitting at 3-2 on the season with two huge road wins. Is it possible that the GULP Jacksonville Jaguars are the best team in the AFC South? After watching their performance against Pittsburgh this weekend, I’m cautiously buying some Jacksonville stock.

 

Kansas City Chiefs: All this team does is win regular season NFL football games guys. Alex Smith is a different player this year and is playing his ass off and the Chiefs look like a complete team with a realistic shot at winning the Super Bowl. The Houston Texans are a pretty good football team who everyone was really high on after they destroyed the Titans last weekend. The Chiefs came out and wiped the floor with them. Don’t be fooled by the final score as this game was nowhere close to what that score indicates. Kansas City owns the Houston Texans. Andy Reid is a much better football coach than Bill O’Brien. Alex Smith is a better QB than Deshaun Watson. And the Chiefs are a much better football team than the Texans.

 

Seattle Seahawks: Anytime a team beats a division rival on the road, they get their names listed here. Just when the Los Angeles Rams thought they were the new “Kings of the NFC West”, the Seahawks came over and reminded them who their daddy was.

 

Green Bay Packers: Speaking of “daddies”, the Dallas Cowboys have a nice one in Aaron Rodgers.

 


 

Most Disappointing Teams Of The Week

 

Tennessee Titans: Has there been a more disappointing team this year outside of the Tennessee Titans? These guys were supposed to be a playoff team and here they are losing to a Miami Dolphins team with an anemic offense. I know Marcus Mariota is injured right now, but good god man. Stop the bleeding before this thing gets really ugly will ya?

 

Cleveland Browns: The Cleveland Browns are 0-5 on the year. You should only be shocked if you don’t follow the NFL.

 

Arizona Cardinals: Did anyone tell the Arizona Cardinals that they were playing a game this weekend against the Philadelphia Eagles? This one was uglier than Bruce Arians’ hat choices for Arizona. Disgusting performance that should have left the whole team taking their own personal Uber’s all the way back to the Arizona heat.

 

Pittsburgh Steelers: This was an ugly weekend for the Steelers. Not only did they get crushed by the Jacksonville Jaguars at home, but their franchise quarterback Ben Roethlisberger continues to struggle this season. “Big Ben” threw five interceptions against the Jaguars and left the Steelers with no shot at winning this game. We are starting to see the next wave of QB’s fall apart before our very own eyes guys. Forget guys like Tom Brady and Drew Brees. Those dudes are anomalies. Guys like Roethlisberger, Eli Manning, and Philip Rivers are the normal guys and it’s beginning to become clear that the end is coming. The Steelers have a huge road game against the Chiefs next weekend and a division game against the Bengals after that. If they lose the next two games (which is very possible), it’s officially time to hit the panic button in Pittsburgh. YOU GUYS GOT YOUR ASSES KICKED BY THE JAGS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

 

San Francisco 49ers: No one expected the San Francisco 49ers to be good this year so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that these guys are sitting at 0-5 on the season. That still doesn’t excuse the fact that they are winless and their fans are miserable right now. There’s a good news/bad news situation here though. The bad news is, the 49ers are just a pure and utterly disgusting roster with no hope for the future. The good news is, this team sucks so bad that they are guaranteed to get a top 5 pick in the draft in what should be a QB-heavy draft. SO THERE IS HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!!!!

 

New York Giants: Raise your hand if you saw this one coming! Ladies and gentlemen, the New York Football Giants are a glorified mess right now. Eli Manning is done. It’s time for him to join his brother in retirement. Maybe the Giants can hurry up and build a statue of Eli and run it out this weekend to give their fans something to celebrate? New York is 0-5. Eli sucks even more than usual. Ben McAdoo looks like a fucking giant walking blueberry with a mustache. Odell Beckham Jr. just injured his leg and cried leaving the football field as his season is officially done. This is just an overall ugly season for the Giants and it can’t end quick enough. Sam Darnold….come on down.

 


 

Players Of The Week

*These are the top fantasy football players of the week

 

Quarterbacks:

1. Deshaun Watson (Houston Texans)

2. Cam Newton (Carolina Panthers)

3. Alex Smith (Kansas City Chiefs)

4. Carson Wentz (Philadelphia Eagles)

5. Brian Hoyer (San Francisco 49ers)


 

Running Backs:

1. Melvin Gordon (Los Angeles Chargers)

2. Leonard Fournette (Jacksonville Jaguars)

3. Aaron Jones (Green Bay Packers)

4. Ezekiel Elliott (Dallas Cowboys)

5. Kareem Hunt (Kansas City Chiefs)


 

Wide Receivers:

1. A.J. Green (Cincinnati Bengals)

2. T.Y. Hilton (Indianapolis Colts)

3. DeAndre Hopkins (Houston Texans)

4. Antonio Brown (Pittsburgh Steelers)

5. Davante Adams (Green Bay Packers)


 

Tight Ends:

1. Ed Dickson (Carolina Panthers)

2. George Kittle (San Francisco 49ers)

3. Darren Fells (Detroit Lions)

4. Cameron Brate (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)

5. Zach Ertz (Philadelphia Eagles)


 

Defense:

1. Jacksonville Jaguars

2. Miami Dolphins

3. Seattle Seahawks

4. Baltimore Ravens

5. Kansas City Chiefs


 

NFL Head Coach Stock Watch

Being an NFL head coach is one of the toughest jobs in the world. When your team is winning, everyone loves you. When your team is losing, everyone wants your head on a stake placed in front of the stadium for everyone to spit on. This section of the column will keep tabs of which coaches stocks are exploding and who’s stocks are dropping at a significant rate….

 

Buy:

Andy Reid (Kansas City Chiefs)

Bill Belichick (New England Patriots)

Dan Quinn (Atlanta Falcons)

John Harbaugh (Baltimore Ravens)

Mike McCarthy (Green Bay Packers)

Sean Payton (New Orleans Saints)

Doug Pederson (Philadelphia Eagles)

Pete Carroll (Seattle Seahawks)

Rising:

Vance Joseph (Denver Broncos)

Ron Rivera (Carolina Panthers)

Anthony Lynn (Los Angeles Chargers)

Doug Marrone (Jacksonville Jaguars)

Adam Gase (Miami Dolphins)

Todd Bowles (New York Jets)

Dropping:

Mike Mularkey (Tennessee Titans)

Mike Zimmer (Minnesota Vikings)

Jay Gruden (Washington Redskins)

Jim Caldwell (Detroit Lions)

Mike Tomlin (Pittsburgh Steelers)

Bill O’Brien (Houston Texans)

Sean McVay (Los Angeles Rams)

Bruce Arians (Arizona Cardinals)

Sean McDermott (Buffalo Bills)

Jack Del Rio (Oakland Raiders)

Jason Garrett (Dallas Cowboys)

Dirk Koetter (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)

Kyle Shanahan (San Francisco 49ers)

Sell:

Marvin Lewis (Cincinnati Bengals)

John Fox (Chicago Bears)

Ben McAdoo (New York Giants)

Hue Jackson (Cleveland Browns)

Chuck Pagano (Indianapolis Colts)

 

 

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