Are you boycotting the NFL? If so, you’re a douche, but that’s a story for a different day. Either way, you’ve come to the right place. The NFL Round-Up is where you go to get a quick recap on every major thing that happened in the NFL this past Sunday. We don’t do any boring game-by-game recaps here. We just get straight to the point and talk about the important things. If you want the “x’s and o’s” of the game, I can recommend places to go for that.
Here at the USB, we just like to party.
And the NFL Sunday Round-Up is the biggest party of them all…….
LET’S DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NFL Sunday Round-Up
Most Impressive Teams Of The Week
New Orleans Saints: Don’t look now, but my EXTREMELY DARK HORSE SUPER BOWL PICK is now 2-2 on the season and are coming off a shutout win over the Miami Dolphins. Yes, I know the Dolphins have looked like crap on offense so far this season so I’m not sure how big of a victory that actually is for the Saints, but we’ll give it to them. After all, Dolphins head coach Adam Gase is supposed to be an offensive genius and the Saints have been absolutely miserable on defense for as long as I can remember. This 20-0 victory was a big one for New Orleans.
Los Angeles Rams: I posted last week that Jared Goff was “DA GOAT” and y’all laughed at me. Here we are a week later and the Rams are 3-1 and are coming off a huge road win against the much-loved Dallas Cowboys. Once again, Goff looked solid posting up good numbers. He threw for 255 yards and 2 touchdowns with a passer rating of 98.7. Perhaps we all jumped the gun a little bit and declared Goff a bust before we actually saw what he could do with a decent coaching staff? Let’s not forget that Goff had JEFF FREAKING FISHER to help ease his transition into the NFL. The Rams are a good team all of a sudden man. Watch out.
Buffalo Bills: If you had the Buffalo Bills at 3-1 following week four with a road win against the NFC champion Atlanta Falcons, stand up and give yourself a round of applause. Better yet, go to your bosses office tomorrow and demand a raise immediately because that’s impressive. Going into the season, we were all convinced that the Bills were tanking for the future. After all, the moves they were making in the off-season suggested that the team executives were perhaps more interested in losing this season rather than winning. Well, as I’ve said for weeks now in this column, it’s almost impossible to tank in the NFL and the Bills are proving that once again. Buffalo is 3-1 and are currently in first place in the AFC East. Is this the year the Bills return to the playoffs? IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN ISN’T IT????
Cincinnati Bengals: THE BENGALS ARE BACK BABY! Now this is the team we all thought we were going to see when the season started! I predicted the Bengals to make the playoffs this year and I looked like a fool for the first three weeks, BUT THEY ARE BACK! Oh wait. It was the BROWNS they dominated this weekend? Forget everything I just said. Anyone can beat the Browns.
Detroit Lions: The Lions got a big division win on-the-road against the Minnesota Vikings. The Lions are now 3-1 on the year and are a lot better than anyone thinks. Go ahead and sleep on these guys everyone. Go ahead and laugh at Matthew Stafford for being “overpaid”. Go ahead and laugh at them signing Jim Caldwell to an extension. All the Lions continue to do this year is make us all look stupid. That’s going to end at some point though, right? The Lions are eventually going to fall back down to Earth and step in shit somewhere along the line, correct? Until then, let’s not hold our breaths.
Carolina Panthers: Huge win for Carolina this weekend. The Panthers were in control in the beginning of the game and just when it looked like we were going to see another TOM BRADY MIRACLE COMEBACK, the Panthers pulled one of their asses. I think at this point it’s safe to say that the New England Patriots’ defense is broken and people are taking advantage of that. The Panthers and Cam Newton had a field day against the Patriots and now sit at 3-1 on the year. Who had the Panthers as a playoff team this year? OH YEAH! THIS GUY DID! An away win in Foxboro is impressive, I don’t care who you are. Like I said earlier, this was a massive win for Carolina.
Pittsburgh Steelers: The Pittsburgh/Baltimore games are always tough to predict because they could go a number of different ways. With Pittsburgh going into Baltimore and dominating the Ravens, they may have just let the rest of the AFC know who the top dogs are now. On paper, Pittsburgh is easily one of the best teams in the AFC and when they put it all together like they did against Baltimore this weekend, they are a tough team to beat. Of course, not everything was perfect as we all saw Antonio Brown’s tirade on the sidelines. Dude, we all know Ben Roethlisberger tends to struggle with the Ravens, calm yourself because losing your cool on the sidelines is never a good look for anyone. Especially when you’re disrespecting your coaches.
Houston Texans: The Texans took the Tennessee Titans behind the woodshed and beat the ever-loving piss out of them. Like seriously guys, this one was never close. Deshaun Watson came out firing from the bell and never took his foot off the gas. This was not only a huge win for the Texans, but it might be the game that put Watson on the NFL map. He’s officially in the “Rookie of the Year” discussion along with Kareem Hunt and if he continues to play the way he played this weekend, the Texans are going to be a very dangerous team going forward. Remember when we all said that all the Texans need is a QB to be a Super Bowl team? They may have found one. A 57-14 win over any one is impressive. A 57-14 win over a good team like the Titans is jaw-dropping.
Most Disappointing Teams Of The Week
Miami Dolphins: Getting shutout in the NFL is never a good thing. Getting shutout in the NFL against a team that has been dreadful on defense the last few seasons is just unacceptable. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on in Miami offensively right now (coughJAYCUTLERcough), but a change needs to be made before things get really ugly. This team was supposed to be a playoff team this year, but the last two weeks they have looked like a team that’s preparing for a top 10 pick in next year’s NFL Draft. Get your shit together Dolphins.
Chicago Bears: Can we all just agree to never put the Chicago Bears on prime time television as long as Mike Glennon is the QB? I’m not sure why the Bears didn’t throw Mitchell Trubisky into this game to get some reps considering it was over at halftime, but that’s why they are the Chicago Bears and they are where they are right now. In the NFL dumpster.
Atlanta Falcons: OK, so it took the Falcons a little time for their “Super Bowl Hangover” to begin, but here it is. Losing to Buffalo at home isn’t a good look for last year’s NFC champions. Don’t be fooled by Buffalo’s 3-1 record guys. The Bills are not a good football team. The Falcons just don’t look the same offensively with Julio Jones out and when they lost him in this game, I knew it was bad news for the “Dirty Birds”. Atlanta had better hope that Julio’s injury is not very serious, because if he’s out for a good chunk of the season, it could be a long year for the Falcons.
Cleveland Browns: The Browns are 0-4 and they just got housed by their division rival at home and they aren’t very good either. Blow it up again because this team sucks. I’m fully convinced that the next time the Cleveland Browns are a good football team will be when I’m living in a mansion surrounded by beautiful women and money as far as the eye can see. In other words, it’s not going to happen in our lifetime.
Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings scored only seven points against the Lions this week and likely lost rookie running back Dalvin Cook for the entire year with a torn ACL. I hate to beat on a dead horse here, but it was NOT a good weekend for the Minnesota Vikings. Minnesota needs a running back now and fortunately for them, the New Orleans Saints have a lot of them. Perhaps we will see an Adrian Peterson/Vikings reunion before we know it? Would anyone really be surprised if that happened? Someone needs to come save the Vikings season.
Tennessee Titans: This was not a good weekend for the Tennessee Titans. They traveled to Houston and got their asses beat. Not only that, but their franchise quarterback Marcus Mariota left the game with an injury and who knows how long he’s out for? This was definitely a weekend that Titans fans will want to forget. Losing 57-14 to a divisional rival is never a good thing. Potentially losing your franchise QB to a season-ending injury for a third consecutive year would be devastating.
Los Angeles Chargers: The Chargers are 0-4. The city of Los Angeles still wants nothing to do with them (WE WILL GLADLY TAKE YOU IN PORTLAND THOUGH!). Somehow they keep coming up with ways to lose close games. And if that wasn’t enough, Philip Rivers is still throwing tantrums. Things are miserable right now in Los Angeles. Perhaps this move was wrong for everyone and the Chargers can just sneak back into San Diego and we will all act like none of this ever happened? Let’s make it so because this thing is a disaster right now.
New York Giants: The New York Giants are 0-4 after expecting big things this season. I’m not saying the Giants are in trouble or anything, but if you’re a Giants fan and you’re still expecting this team to make the playoffs….you’re in trouble. Only ONE team in NFL history has made the playoffs after starting 0-4 (the 1992 San Diego Chargers). ONE TEAM! History is definitely not on the Giants side at this point and if you’re still on the bandwagon, now is as good a time as any to jump off. This team isn’t playing any kind of post-season football this year.
Players Of The Week
*These are the top fantasy football players of the week
1. Deshaun Watson (Houston Texans)
2. Cam Newton (Carolina Panthers)
3. Eli Manning (New York Giants)
4. Andy Dalton (Cincinnati Bengals)
5. Jameis Winston (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1. Le’Veon Bell (Pittsburgh Steelers)
2. Todd Gurley (Los Angeles Rams)
3. Bilal Powell (New York Jets)
4. Ezekiel Elliott (Dallas Cowboys)
5. Lamar Miller (Houston Texans)
1. DeAndre Hopkins (Houston Texans)
2. Tyrell Williams (Los Angeles Chargers)
3. Devin Funchess (Carolina Panthers)
4. Jordy Nelson (Green Bay Packers)
5. Keenan Allen (Los Angeles Chargers)
1. Tyler Kroft (Cincinnati Bengals)
2. Charles Clay (Buffalo Bills)
3. Cameron Brate (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
4. A.J. Derby (Denver Broncos)
5. O.J. Howard (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. Houston Texans
3. New Orleans Saints
4. Jacksonville Jaguars
5. Buffalo Bills
NFL Head Coach Stock Watch
Being an NFL head coach is one of the toughest jobs in the world. When your team is winning, everyone loves you. When your team is losing, everyone wants your head on a stake placed in front of the stadium for everyone to spit on. This section of the column will keep tabs of which coaches stocks are exploding and who’s stocks are dropping at a significant rate….
Andy Reid (Kansas City Chiefs)
Bill Belichick (New England Patriots)
Mike Tomlin (Pittsburgh Steelers)
Dan Quinn (Atlanta Falcons)
John Harbaugh (Baltimore Ravens)
Mike McCarthy (Green Bay Packers)
Sean Payton (New Orleans Saints)
Pete Carroll (Seattle Seahawks)
Jim Caldwell (Detroit Lions)
Sean McVay (Los Angeles Rams)
Sean McDermott (Buffalo Bills)
Jay Gruden (Washington Redskins)
Dirk Koetter (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
Vance Joseph (Denver Broncos)
Ron Rivera (Carolina Panthers)
Bill O’Brien (Houston Texans)
Doug Pederson (Philadelphia Eagles)
Todd Bowles (New York Jets)
Bruce Arians (Arizona Cardinals)
Anthony Lynn (Los Angeles Chargers)
Mike Mularkey (Tennessee Titans)
Doug Marrone (Jacksonville Jaguars)
Mike Zimmer (Minnesota Vikings)
Jack Del Rio (Oakland Raiders)
Adam Gase (Miami Dolphins)
Jason Garrett (Dallas Cowboys)
Kyle Shanahan (San Francisco 49ers)
Ben McAdoo (New York Giants)
Marvin Lewis (Cincinnati Bengals)
John Fox (Chicago Bears)
Hue Jackson (Cleveland Browns)
Chuck Pagano (Indianapolis Colts)