Cook’s NBA Draft 2017 Live Diary

I am less qualified than anybody associated with this website to do this. Sure, I watch a lot of college basketball. But it’s mostly Louisville games, and I’m usually hammered while doing so. Dustin James is our Draft Expert in all sports and has certainly seen more West Coast basketball than I have. Which comes in handy when our likely top two picks are from Washington & UCLA. Jeremy Lambert has somehow become a legitimate NBA writer without having seen a game since January. I applaud him for it, that’s a pretty impressive feat right there.

So why am I here? Because I haven’t done anything for THE USB this week, and because I miss when Bill Simmons actually wrote these things and seemed like he knew what he was talking about. What can I say, I’m a pretty nostalgic guy.

Tonight’s Top Storylines:

Everybody Is Trading: Draft picks have already been traded. Paul George, Jimmy Butler, LaMarcus Aldridge & Kristaps Porzingis are all on the table. I fully expect one of these men to be moved this evening. Probably more than one.

Where Will Donovan Mitchell Go: OK, so this is only a main storyline for me as a Louisville fan. We’re not Kentucky, we don’t have multiple lottery picks every year.

Will LaVar Ball Get Interview Time: This is really the main reason I’m watching.

How Long Will I Stay Up: I got work early tomorrow morning and I may or may not be drinking some bourbon as I type this. We’ll see how long that keeps going and how long I keep writing. One advantage tonight has over previous Live Diary nights is that the Preds can’t screw anything up tonight.

Who Will Have The Most Attractive Girlfriend: Don’t act like you don’t pay attention to this. Sadly, I’m getting close to the age where I’m looking at the moms as much as the girlfriends. It’s tough times over here.

6:57 PM: I don’t love The Six, but I don’t hate it either. Michael & Jemele don’t really make me excited or offend my sensibilities. I feel like I’m in the minority in this opinion.

6:59 PM: That Stephen A. Smith sound bite is an all-timer. “HE WAS ON CRACK!”

HE WAS ON CRACK

7:02 PM: I asked Dustin & Jeremy for some inside scoops for tonight…here’s what I got.

Dustin: Blazers will make a trade at some point

Jeremy: I’m gonna be mad and disappointed tomorrow

Dustin: The Knicks will surprise everyone and draft LAVAR BALL

You heard it here first!

7:05 PM: The Draft hasn’t really been the same for me since ESPN took over. Back when TNT had it, Charles Barkley was still cool and he & Kenny Smith were hilarious on draft coverage. ESPN guys in general try too hard and act competent. Which is not good for people like me that want to make fun of them.

7:07 PM: As soon as I say that, this fool Mark Schwartz leads with “It’s Foltz Speed Ahead!”. Good God.

7:11 PM: LAVAR BALL IS ON CAMERA AND HE IS TALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ain’t no Big Balla Brand without the Fam! Zeus & Jesus said Lonzo is gonna be a Laker! God I love this man.

7:21 PM: De’Aaron Fox showing off his watch. It pays to play at Kentucky, ladies & gentlemen.

7:30 PM: I remember when Colin Cowherd was trying to tell me that the NBA isn’t about markets anymore. Yet here we are with Philly, LA, Boston & New York at the top of the draft and that’s what ESPN is promoting. Granted, three out of four of those have bad teams right now, but that’s still what’s being used as the draw here.

7:36 PM: Nate Silver is out. He probably gets the best treatment of any commissioner live & in public if you will daddy. Give it a few years, they’ll turn on him.

7:37 PM: The 76ers are on the clock thanks to the trade with Boston. I still have no idea if The Process is actually going to work to the dismay of the people that rushed Finkie out of town. They did still manage to get the top pick this year without “tanking”, so I guess there’s that.

7:40 PM: The 76ers take Markelle Fultz from the University of Washington to the surprise of nobody. Washington went 9-22 last season, so all the losses he will go through with the 76ers won’t affect him mentally. Jay Bilas calls him a James Harden clone on the offensive end with some LeBron type blocks. I mean…if he says so?

7:44 PM: Alison Williams getting Fultz to take off his suit jacket to show off some sort of nonsense. I get the feeling that the females in the sports media business won’t be pumping her up like crazy like they do Doris Burke.

7:46 PM: We have a Jimmy Butler trade! He’s going to Minnesota for Zach LaVine, Kris Dunn and the #7 pick.

7:47 PM: Lonzo Ball going to the Lakers as we all expected.

7:49 PM: Jalen Rose’s player comparisons are really the most ridiculous thing ever. If Bill Simmons was still alive he would rip Jalen to shreds. But since he’s dead, it’s ok.

7:50 PM: Williams sure notices a lot about what these guys wear. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

7:51 PM: LaVar Ball. He really is the best. Titus O’Neil needs to be watching his interviews.

7:53 PM: Minnesota also got the #16 pick in that trade? Oh yeah, they totally won that schiznit.

7:55 PM: The Celtics take Jayson Tatum from Duke University. From Duke to the Celtics…dude is spending his whole life playing for teams supported by white people.

7:57 PM: Williams leads with “Jayson, you told me you haven’t been sleeping the last couple of nights!”. Good God.

7:59 PM: Tatum’s mom wasn’t as charismatic as LaVar, but the message was sound.

8:01 AM: The Phoenix Suns select Josh Jackson from the University of Kansas. My best friend wasn’t sold on Jackson, but the highlight I saw from Jackson was him dunking on Kentucky, so he may have been biased. Bilas says he has everything except that he’s not an accomplished shooter. I mean….isn’t that what basketball is about? Maybe? Only if you’re a short white guy?

8:04 AM: Rece Davis says that Jackson is really happy to see Alison Williams. Are you kidding me?

8:08 PM: De’Aaron Fox from Kentucky is chosen by the Sacramento Kings. My best friend Kentucky fan didn’t want him to go to the Kings, so I’m ok with all of this.

8:11 PM: Williams knows what everybody is wearing here. It’s kinda freaky.

8:15 PM:  The Magic select Jonathan Isaac from Florida State University. Well, it makes sense from a Florida perspective. And since the Magic won’t contend for anything in our lifetime, they might as well get an FSU guy.

8:20 PM: Michael Wilbon praying for a shooter selection for the Bulls here makes Bill Simmons look like an objective observer.

8:22 PM: The T-Wolves select a fella from Finland for the Bulls. I think Wilbon’s head just exploded even though Bilas claims he’s the best shooting big man in the Draft.

8:27 PM: The Knicks select a fella named Frank from France. The Brooklyn fans are pretty excited!

8:34 PM: The Mavericks take Dennis Smith Jr. from NC State. He’s pretty good. That’s one of the few guys in this draft that I’ve actually seen. Then Jalen Rose chimes in with the Steve Francis comparison, and I’m not sure I should be putting him over.

8:39 PM: Kings picking Zach Collins from Gonzaga, but he’s heading to Portland. I should point out that Jeremy Lambert reported this to me and Dustin before it happened. He’s getting better at this NBA stuff the less he watches.

8:43 PM: OK. Alison Williams asked the right question there. How does one go from not starting a game at Gonzaga to being a lottery pick? Damn good question. She won’t get credit for it. Why? I dunno.

8:47 PM:  The Hornets go with Malik Monk from Kentucky. He was the best player on that team this year, so it seems like a sound selection.

8:52 PM: The Pistons take Luke Kennard from Duke via Cincinnati. Bilas says he has the best footwork in the Draft. I will take his word for it. He killed Louisville in an ACC Tournament game, I know that much.

8:58 PM: Donovan Mitchell gets drafted by Denver, but he’s actually going to Utah, as Denver is getting the #24 pick and Trey Lyles for him. Works for me! Kid is a flat out stud. One of the better perimeter defenders in the draft according to Bilas.

9:05 PM: The Heat take Bam Adebayo from Kentucky. Because we can’t have a lottery portion of the draft without at least three UK guys. He sure showed some potential there.

9:10 PM: I saw a lot of my fellow Louisville fans be angry that Mitchell chose to go pro instead of stay in school and make U of L a favorite for the national championship next year. My take on this always, even though it might be detrimental to my alma mater, is that a fella should go pro as soon as it is economically feasible. For Mitchell, it was this year. Good for him. It might be bad news for U of L, but if I was in his shoes I’d do the same thing.

9:12 PM: Portland selects Justin Jackson from UNC. I think he’s going to the Kings, so that sucks for him. You have to adjust your expectations downward for people that go there.

9:18 PM:  The Bulls select Justin Patton from Creighton. He’s going to Minnesota. But he gets to wear a Bulls hat right now, so good for him

9:26 PM: These motherfuckers giving Calipari some free recruiting time. And we’re going to act like the playing field is level. Come on now.

9:28 PM: D.J. Wilson from Michigan moves over to Milwaukee. Don’t get me started on Michigan.

9:33 PM: The Indiana Pacers select another UCLA guy. I didn’t know they had other people on that team. Also, I didn’t know Indiana picked guys that weren’t white.

9:36 PM:  After watching the interview I feel ashamed of myself for the previous post…he is totally white. I should not have doubted Indiana there for a second.

9:37 PM:  The Hawks select John Collins from Wake Forest. The Hawks have already given up on this season, so he should get plenty of time to play.

9:43 PM: Harry Giles from Duke gets selected by the Trailblazers for somebody else. I have no idea where he’s going. Jay Bilas swears he could have been a top 5 pick. No. He’s out of his fucking mind.

9:48 PM: OKC is on the clock. Lambert told me they would pick a guy that was overrated. Sounds good to me!

9:50 PM:  The Thunder draft a guy that’s been playing in the NBDL and is from Australia. Sounds legit!

9:37 PM: Silver announces the Butler trade and introduces Jared Allen from Texas as the Nets’ pick. The poor bastard.

10:03 PM: I have finally reached a point where I have no idea who this person is…and they allegedly went to Indiana!

10:10 PM: This was supposed to be the draft that transformed the league because it was so deep. We’re not even through the 1st round and we’re already reaching for guys. It’s pretty sad. I think it’s time to go ahead and hit the hay.

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