Yes it’s true. Bill Simmons hates when people rip off his ideas. You know what I like doing? Pissing people off. So let’s go ahead and steal one of Simmons’ greatest ideas of all-time.
NBA NFL DRAFT DIARY!!!!
Enjoy it. I don’t know how much more I have left in me guys.
(5:03 PM) Chris Berman is no longer here. That’s a little weird, but honestly, it’s a good thing. Berman sucks. Sorry to be so harsh right out of the gate, but it’s the truth. The good news is, Mel Kiper’s hair is still employed by ESPN so that’s a good thing as well.
(5:04 PM) Roger Goodell is here and he’s being booed. ESPN cuts to a shot of the crowd and they explode. Now Goodell is on stage and the crowd is booing the shit out of him. Goodell is begging them for the boos. He would be a great heel for the WWE. Vince vs. Goodell at WrestleMania anyone? Goodell announces that the Cleveland Browns are on the clock. They will be alright as long as they take Myles Garrett.
(5:09 PM) ESPN has Louis Riddick on their panel tonight. He’s one of the best football minds in the business. And no, I’m not just saying that because I took some classes from him at the Scouting Academy (humble brag).
(5:13 PM) Cleveland’s pick is in and it’s MYLES GARRETT! Holy smokes. They actually got it right. I thought for sure they were going to take Mitchell Trubisky after all the talk throughout the day, but the Browns made the right decision. Now they need to trade back up and get a QB. If Cleveland is doing things right, this is going to be a weird draft.
(5:16 PM) AND WE HAVE A TRADE FOLKS! The Chicago Bears have traded the #3 pick to the San Francisco 49ers for the #2 pick. I love trades personally. Adam Schefter says the Bears are going to take Solomon Thomas who I actually had mocked to SF with the #2 pick. I’m counting that one if it happens.
(5:19 PM) Randy Moss is interviewing Myles Garrett. He says the first AFC North QB he wants to sack is Ben Roethlisberger. That’s a good answer.
(5:21 PM) The Chicago Bears pick is in and it’s MITCHELL TRUBISKY!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?! The first shocker of the draft happens with the #2 pick and the Bears just gave up 4 potential starters for a QB with 13 starts under his belt. They had better hope that he’s going to turn into something special. I have my doubts.
(5:28 PM) It’s now been seven minutes since the Bears picked Trubisky and I’m still in shock. I absolutely hate that trade the longer I sit here. There was no reason for Chicago to make it. San Francisco was not going to take a QB.
(5:29 PM) San Francisco 49ers pick is in and it’s SOLOMON THOMAS! That’s a great pick for the 49ers. In my mock draft, I had the 49ers taking Thomas. They got their guy and also got four potential starters from the Bears. This was a major win already for San Francisco.
(5:34 PM) The Jacksonville Jaguars pick is in and it’s LEONARD FOURNETTE! I nailed this one to and this was a great pick for the Jaguars. They need to get Bortles as much help as possible and they just got it. Way to go Tom Coughlin. I’m still mad at the Chicago Bears for messing up what would have been a perfect mock draft so far. WHY DIDN’T YOU GUYS TAKE JAMAL ADAMS LIKE EVERYONE WANTED YOU TO? I officially hate the Chicago Bears now.
(5:38 PM) Dinner is ready, which is always the worst part of the NFL Draft. Why do people have to eat damn it? If I was a single man, I wouldn’t worry about it, but my wife makes me eat. The things I do for her.
(5:42 PM) The Tennessee Titans pick is in and they take COREY DAVIS! Ummmmm, what? Really Tennessee? There’s no way Corey Davis should have gone before Mike Williams in my opinion. The good news is that Marcus Mariota has a new weapon so there is some silver lining in all of this. Still, the Titans could have traded back and still got Davis. This is why you never are allowed to have nice things Tennessee. Except for Mariota. BUT THAT’S FUCKING IT!
(5:48 PM) Ian Rapaport is now reporting that the Cleveland Browns are trying to trade for Kirk Cousins. If that happens, my mind is going to explode. Stay tuned guys because I’m fully expecting my mind to explode at any moment. I LOVE THE GOD DAMN DRAFT!!!!
(5:50 PM) The New York Jets pick is in and they take JAMAL ADAMS! What a pick for the Jets. Adams is a legit top 3 player in this draft and he’s going to be a force for the Jets for years to come. Dude is a stud.
(5:58 PM) The Chargers are about to make their first selection since moving to Los Angeles. Is now a good time to bring up once again how stupid of a move it was for the Chargers to move to Los Angeles? Ain’t no one going to those games.
(5:59 PM) The Los Angeles Chargers select MIKE WILLIAMS! Now this is a good pick. The Chargers decision to move to Los Angeles was stupid, but the decision to select Mike Williams was a good one. Williams is my personal favorite wide receiver in the draft and he’s going to be amazing as long as Philip Rivers sticks around for a few more seasons. Stupid ass Chargers. You guys aren’t supposed to be doing shit that I approve of.
(6:01 PM) The Carolina Panthers’ pick is already in. Those guys just couldn’t wait to jump all over Christian McCaffery could they?
(6:03 PM) The Carolina Panthers pick is in and it’s CHRISTIAN MCCAFFERY! The camera cuts to a grown ass man in a Panthers jersey pointing at his watch saying “IT’S OUR TIME BABY!” Grown men wearing jerseys is just ridiculous. You look stupid guys, so stop it. Anyway, the Panthers pick of McCaffery is a solid one in my opinion. He will help open up their offense in a lot of ways.
(6:07 PM) The Cincinnati Bengals are now on the clock. Is there anyone available with character concerns because the Bengals would like to see you now.
(6:11 PM) The Cincinnati Bengals pick is in and they take JOHN ROSS! Cincinnati needed a wide receiver on the opposite side of A.J. Green and they just got the fastest one in the draft. Ross set the record for the fastest time ever at the NFL Combine and he’s going to be a terror in this league. Solid pick for Cincinnati.
(6:14 PM) OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS HAVE JUST TRADED UP! WHO ARE THEY TAKING?!?!?!?!?! I’M OFFICIALLY HAVING A HEART ATTACK NOW!!!!!
(6:20 PM) The Kansas City Chiefs pick is in and they take PATRICK MAHOMES! YESSS!!!!!!!!! LOVE THIS PICK! The Chiefs need a new QB. Alex Smith has got to go and the Chiefs need someone who can throw the ball downfield. This kid will be good with a year under his belt….if he even needs that.
(6:25 PM) I’m still reeling from the Chiefs trading up and taking Mahomes. Kansas City doesn’t typically do moves like that and I can’t remember the last time KC had a “QB of the future”. THIS IS AN EXCITING TIME TO BE A CHIEFS FAN! Fuck the haters.
(6:28 PM) The New Orleans Saints pick is in and they take MARSHON LATTIMORE! The best corner in the draft at a position that they really needed. Great pick for New Orleans. WHAT ABOUT THAT CHIEFS PICK THOUGH? Wasn’t that shit something?
(6:32 PM) AND NOW WE HAVE ANOTHER TRADE! The Houston Texans have traded with the Cleveland Browns. Houston has to be eyeing Deshaun Watson now, right? It’s the only thing that makes sense.
(6:35 PM) The Houston Texans pick is in and they take DESHAUN WATSON! Well, if you’re going to trade up…you need to trade up for a quarterback. The Houston Texans have a horrible mess at the QB situation and Watson stands a real good chance at starting day one. If you have any doubts about Watson, just let him know. I’m sure he’d be more than happy to fire a pig skin at your mouth to see if he can change your opinion.
(6:49 PM) AND WE’RE BACK! Sorry for the break in action, but I had some adulting to take care of. While I was away, the Arizona Cardinals took Haason Reddick in a pick that I absolutely love. Reddick was the second best linebacker in the draft. However, thanks to Reuben Foster being dumb as shit, Reddick gets drafted before him. Keep your nose clean folks….especially when it’s combine time.
(6:50 PM) The Philadelphia Eagles pick is in and if it’s a bad one, these fans are going to riot and charge the stage. Please be a bad one! PICK A KICKER!
(6:52 PM) The Philadelphia Eagles pick is in and they take DEREK BARNETT! Barnett is a good pick-up for the Eagles…..at least I think he’s going to be. There were some concerns from scouts about his potential, but the Eagles need a pass rush and they just got some help.
(7:00 PM) The Indianapolis Colts’ pick is in and they take MALIK HOOKER! If you’ve been following my draft coverage on this here blog. You know exactly how I feel about Malik Hooker.
(7:06 PM) The Baltimore Ravens pick is in and they have a kid up here from the Make A Wish Foundation to announce their pick. This is awesome. Best wishes to this kid in the long run. Oh yeah, football to. The Ravens take MARLON HUMPHREY! Of course the Ravens take a player from Alabama. Of course they do. Humphrey has the genes to be a good NFL player and he just landed on the perfect team. This was a great pick by the Ravens.
(7:15 PM) The Washington Redskins’ pick is in and they take JONATHAN ALLEN! What a steal for the Redskins. Allen was a top 5 player in this draft and would have been selected a lot earlier had it not been for a shoulder concern. It’s a good thing the Redskins GM who got fired set up a good draft board before he left, isn’t it Redskins fans? And yes, Washington is reportedly still using the draft board that their fired GM put together months ago. If that doesn’t scream “Washington Redskins”, I don’t know what does?
(7:18 PM) The Titans are on the board again and their pick is in rather quickly. Instead of announcing it though, we are going to talk and waste time for 5 minutes because people love that kind of shit….AM I RIGHT?
(7:20 PM) The Tennessee Titans pick is in and they take ADOREE’ JACKSON. OK, what are the Titans doing tonight? They are making decent picks, but they are taking these guys way too early. Adoree’ Jackson was a late first-rounder/second-rounder and the Titans just took him with the 18th pick. I would’ve taken Kevin King or Tre’Davious White myself. They will be much better NFL corners than Adoree’ Jackson.
(7:22 PM) Much like the Titans, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ pick is already in as well. Do they really love Dalvin Cook as much as everyone thinks? We are about to find out!
(7:28 PM) The Tampa Bay Buccaneers take OJ HOWARD AND A DUDE IN THE CROWD IS FUCKING PUMPED!!!! Seriously. He looks like a bloated Tom Green and he wants to fight someone right now. I dare someone to make fun of this move! I love this move myself and I’m not just saying that so fat Tom Green doesn’t track me down and kick my ass. Jameis Winston to OJ Howard? My god. I might take Howard as my fantasy TE after Gronkowski and Travis Kelce. That’s how great that pairing is going to be.
(7:31 PM) The Denver Broncos pick is in and they take GARETT BOLLES! It’s no surprise that the Broncos took an offensive lineman. Their offensive line was absolutely atrocious last season and Bolles is probably already their best player. I just realized that we made it to pick #20 before an offensive lineman was taken. Maybe that’s why it’s been an exciting draft so far?
(7:33 PM) Garett Bolles has his baby out and sticks his Denver Broncos jersey on the baby. That would be cute if it wasn’t for that fucking hideous Broncos jersey. Seriously….
(7:35) OK, I really like this Garett Bolles guy after hearing his back story and listening to his interview. It’s too bad the guy is going to Denver and I have to boo his ass until he decides to find another team.
(7:39 PM) The Detroit Lions pick is in and they take JARRAD DAVIS! Just in case you didn’t think Reuben Foster’s slide was real….it’s real folks. Foster is a better player than Davis or Reddick, but when you make mistakes, you have to pay for them.
(7:42 PM) The Miami Dolphins’ pick is in and they take CHARLES HARRIS! Meh. I like Harris, but I like Takk McKinley and Taco Charlton a little more. Either way, the Dolphins really needed some pass rush help so I’m not going to hate on this pick too much. It was a good one, I just don’t think it was a great value pick.
(7:44 PM) The New York Giants’ pick is already in and something tells me we are going to have to wait 10 more minutes to hear who it is.
(7:48) And to make matters worse now, we have to sit through an insufferable commercial about First Take featuring that poison Stephen A. Smith. Fuck that show and fuck that guy.
(7:49 PM) The New York Giants’ pick is in and they take EVAN ENGRAM! How’s that for a shocker? Engram over David Njoku is a little confusing to me. There were some NFL Draft pundits that thought Njoku was better than O.J. Howard and he’s still sitting there on the board. Engram is a good player, but I like Njoku a hell of a lot more.
(7:51 PM) The Oakland/Las Vegas Raiders are now on the clock and we get to see some of Oakland’s finest white trash sitting in a bar in Oakland. Now we all know the real reason the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas. Oakland sucks.
(7:54 PM) The Oakland/Las Vegas Raiders take GAREON CONLEY! There’s a joke about a guy currently in the midst of a rape allegation getting taken by the Oakland Raiders, but I’m going to go ahead and let someone else do that. The Raiders must have felt pretty comfortable about Conley being innocent, otherwise they wouldn’t have rolled the dice on him.
(8:03 PM) The Cleveland Browns take JABRILL PEPPERS with the 25th pick in the draft. Of course they do. Look. I like Jabrill Peppers, but he’s far from a lock to be successful in the NFL. No one really knows what position he’s going to play and for a team that needs players to contribute immediately, the Browns made a horrible decision with this pick. Peppers really needed to go to a good team where he wouldn’t have pressure to contribute big-time immediately. This has a nightmare written all over it.
(8:06 PM) WE HAVE ANOTHER TRADE FOLKS! Just in case you went to sleep already. We have another trade! The Atlanta Falcons have traded with the Seattle Seahawks and the Falcons have to be looking for a defensive player. Maybe Reuben Foster?
(8:08 PM) The Atlanta Falcons’ pick is in and they take TAKK MCKINLEY! This was a great pick for the Falcons and I totally called them taking a defensive player even though Jon Gruden’s dumb ass just said they would take an offensive lineman. It was their defense that blew that Super Bowl lead, Jon. That and their stupid ass decision to continuously pass the ball when they didn’t need to. Takk McKinley is a huge addition to an already good Atlanta team. The rich get richer.
(8:11 PM) McKinley takes the stage and he is JACKED! He has a picture of his grandmother that he made a promise to and he kept it. Good for you kid. I always like seeing stuff like that, no joke.
(8:15 PM) Trey Wingo just mentioned that Takk McKinley once said that his favorite player is Cam Newton and he wasn’t sure he could tackle Cam once he got to the NFL. Watch out for that match-up next season. How great would it be if McKinley had a wide open sack on Newton and just picked him up and hugged him instead? We need more man hugging in the NFL.
(8:18 PM) The Buffalo Bills’ pick is in and they TRE’DAVIOUS WHITE! Solid selection for the Bills, especially after getting some extra picks from the Chiefs earlier in the evening. What a night for the Bills. They never make the playoffs, but their fans are celebrating tonight.
(8:20 PM) The Cleveland Browns have made a trade with the Green Bay Packers for the 29th pick. They have to be taking DeShone Kizer or Davis Webb.
(8:22 PM) The Dallas Cowboys’ pick is in and they take TACO CHARLTON! The guy with the most delicious sounding name in the draft. Seriously. If you don’t like tacos, you can go straight to hell. As for the pick, I like it. Dallas needed a pass rusher and they got one.
(8:28 PM) And I was wrong. The Cleveland Browns take DAVID NJOKU! And the fans in Philly don’t give two shits. This pick makes up for that Jabrill Peppers pick from earlier. This pick I absolutely love. I had Njoku ranked as my second best tight end and the Browns just got themselves a hell of a player.
(8:30 PM) The San Francisco 49ers have traded back into the first round with the Seattle Seahawks who REALLY don’t want to pick tonight for some reason. Now the 49ers are going to grab Reuben Foster.
(8:32 PM) The Pittsburgh Steelers’ pick is in and they take T.J. WATT! The brother of J.J. Watt going to the Pittsburgh Steelers? Oh man. That has gold written all over it for Steelers fans. Quick update on the rest of the AFC North….
(8:40 PM) The San Francisco 49ers’ pick is in and they take REUBEN FOSTER! There is your steal of the draft folks. What a pick for the 49ers. They get a top 10 talent with the 31st pick who fell in the draft thanks to some off-the-field concerns. If he’s able to keep his head on straight, this will be your steal of the draft. Bank on it.
(8:44 PM) And with the last pick in the first round, the New Orleans Saints take RYAN RAMCZYK! This was especially hilarious because the ESPN experts were just talking up how much the Saints needed defensive players and how this pick HAD to be a defensive player. Welp, that didn’t go as planned.
And that’s a wrap on the NFL DRAFT DIARY FOLKS! I really hope you enjoyed it. If you did, make sure you tell me because that will convince me to do more of these things in the future.