Mr. Wrestling’s WrestleMania 33 Predictions!

Longtime readers of THE Ultimate Sports Blog will remember last year when a random stranger named “Mr. Wrestling” previewed last year’s Wrestlemania and it was a huge hit. Well, I’m happy to announce that MR. WRESTLING IS BACK WITH A PREVIEW OF TODAY’S HUGE WRESTLEMANIA 33 CARD!!!

Yes, the hype is real folks.

Even though I will not give out Mr. Wrestling’s identity, I highly recommend following my good buddy Todd Bergman on Twitter @ToddBergman13!

Let’s not beat around the bush anymore…….it’s time to get serious.

 

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This weekend, the annual rite of passage known as WrestleMania takes place in beautiful Orlando, Florida. The 33rd installment or WrestleMania Sun as the logo would suggest is headlined by Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg and a mystical grudge match between Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt. Last year, I successfully predicted two of the winners correct but last year’s WrestleMania Star was one of the worst booked shows in recent memory. This year, I will provide you my winner and also the WWE logic winner to see if our minds have linked together. As the norm for all of my predictions, the statements within this piece do not represent this fine website that I contribute to. If you want a logical breakdown then go read a Steve Cook article.

 

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Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

I will not include the participants because none of them matter really or they would be in a legit match on the card. This match is on the pre-show because nothing of importance will happen here. In fact, the inclusion of a battle royal so close after the Royal Rumble hurts the aspect of this match. I was once in a battle royal in Tijuana with some hookers and a donkey. We made a “WrestleMania” moment that quickly became what you call a donkey show now. In the words of Damien Sandow, you are welcome!! I digress here with only two people that could be considered to win this battle royal. Big Show and Braun Strowman are the favorites to win this match. My logic predicts Strowman (this will really help his Tinder game) to eliminate Sami Zayn and The Big Show to win and hopefully destroy the stupid trophy (Bad News Brown style) afterwards.

My pick: Braun Strowman

WWE Logic: Strowman wins but only after Shaq distracts Big Show


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Cruiserweight Title Match
Neville © vs. Austin Aries

It would appear that the Cruiserweights finally have a match up that will live up to what WCW used to put on. The Cruiserweight Classic was fantastic but the whole division has been awful and nothing more than a smaller participant version of a typical RAW match. Neville is great as a heel and his character needed the update because as TEW would say, his gimmick was stale. Aries as a face is interested because he still uses heel tactics, which is awesome. I expect a great back and forth with a good pace only for the RAW writing team to screw this up. Neville loses by count out or by some way other than losing his title.

My pick: Austin Aries by count out

WWE Logic: Braun Strowman comes out and beats them down 10 seconds into the match while dabbing like TJ Perkins.


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Smackdown Women’s Title Match
Alexa Bliss © vs. Mickie James vs. Carmella vs. Natalya vs. Becky Lynch vs. Naomi vs. ???

While the RAW Women have been getting the most amount of attention, the ladies of Smackdown have been the more consistent. The booking leading up to this title match has been strange. Naomi won the title only to forfeit it because of injury, only to return last week. Sounds like Vince Russo is back in charge of booking again. The key in this match is the “only woman under a Smackdown contract” stipulation. I think that plays into this match as the winner. Does this mean that Asuka could be signed to a Smackdown contract the day of the event? Is there another wrestler who could take the title? Did the WWE float those Eva Marie leaving rumors to take the scent off of her appearing in this match? For the sake of my sanity, I am hoping that Becky Lynch gets the win because she deserved to win the title last year at WrestleMania Star.

My pick: Becky Lynch

WWE Logic: Eva Marie sneaks in to steal the victory over a celebrating Becky Lynch (after Becky thinks that she has won the match)


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Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

I am guessing that the WWE was really hoping that Shawn Michaels would come out of retirement to face AJ here because the lead up to this match has been awful. Seeing Shane McMahon back on TV has been a great deal of fun and the guy will risk his body for the sake of the fans. However, AJ Styles is arguably the best wrestler in the world and should be in a much more prominent match here. Shane will try his best to keep up but this will be an awkward match up with Shane’s weird boxing and AJ’s aerial offense. I am setting the over/under on Shane sweating at 2 mins into the match. This will likely be the length of his entrance given the crazy stage set up that they are using. AJ should win this match but ultimately gains respect for Shane after he does his trademark moves.

My pick: AJ Styles

WWE Logic: AJ Styles wins after cheating furthering their lack of trust in AJ


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John Cena/Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

Without The Miz & Maryse this feud would be nothing. I just hope that Maryse does not pass out in the ring from her hair whip like she did on Raw that one night. On the Cena front, it is hard to watch Cena out there with Nikki because you know that he is uncomfortable with the situation. That and he probably has two or three other women on the side. After all, it is likely that Cena has slept with a greater than or equal to 25% of the females on this show. John has been edgier in this program because he has been mad. We have learned that Mad Cena is a force that no one can hold down. With all of that said, the rumors calmed down about Nikki leaving after WrestleMania Sun so I am likely to believe that The Miz and Maryse win this match and they feud until SummerSlam, where John & Nikki win a co-ed bra and panties match against The Miz & Maryse.

My Pick: The Miz & Maryse

WWE Logic: Cena & Nikki win in less than 8 mins


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Non-Sanctioned Match
Triple H vs. Seth Rollins

This is the match of the guy who holds all the pieces in the WWE versus the guy, who was holding his piece in leaked pictures from his wife. Truth be told, WrestleMania Sun needed this match to happen because the card is really lacking in engaging matches. I was really enjoying the slow build to this match until a few weeks ago when Triple H locked a returning Seth Rollins in a submission to end RAW. Up until then, I thought that the booking of this feud was excellent. I guess the botch job from Samoa Joe ruined the scripted build up that they had planned. I am not known as the world’s biggest fan of Triple H when it comes to him wrestling because I think that all of his feuds are generally the same. Hell this feud with Rollins is almost identical to the feud with Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania Purple XXX. For everything that Triple H has done behind the scenes with nXt and reaching out to former stars, he has hurt the product by returning and cutting down future stars. He is not helping these guys get over by constantly one-upping them on the mic or beating them in important matches. I would expect that this match was made non-sanctioned because Rollins is not completely healthy and they need to hide the injury. This means that this match will likely have more outside involvement than Triple H vs. Sting from WrestleMania Red Play Button. I will give the win to Rollins after some interference from Sami Zayn or a returning star not named CM Punk (maybe Foley, Angle, The Rock). Maybe Steph gets involved and the WWE swerves us with Miesha Tate saving Rollins instead of Ronda Rousey. The WWE hit gold at WrestleMania Red Play Button when Trips/Steph and The Rock/Rousey had that white hot angle. Why not try to get this match together for WrestleMania Fleur-de-lis (they still should call it WrestleMania 34).

My Pick: Seth Rollins

WWE Logic: Triple H via reverse Indian Death Lock after Rollins gives it the good ole college try like Sting did.


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Intercontinental Championship Match
Dean Ambrose © vs. Baron Corbin

I am likely in the minority here but I do not enjoy matches that feature Dean Ambrose. I certainly love his character but his matches just fall flat. There was major hype for his encounter with Brock Lesnar at last year’s WrestleMania Star and the match was flat. Maybe you blame that on the awkwardness of the overall booking of the card but the match was not anything to write home about. The point of this match is to get Baron Corbin to another level. The bookers seemed to be very high on Corbin and I can see why. He has a great look and my only complaint is his hair. He is three strands away from having a Hulk Hogan hairstyle. Maybe cutting his hair will have the negative effect that Rusev has received? This match needs to be under 10 minutes and it needs to be a fast paced clean win for Corbin. If you are high on him, then give him an important win. Remember after all, he won the Andre Battle Royal last year as a surprise.

My Pick: Baron Corbin
WWE Logic: Ambrose sneaks a quick rollup after getting beat down for a while. This should not happen at all.


 

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United States Championship
Chris Jericho © vs. Kevin Owens

If we have learned anything about Chris Jericho, it is that he does not have luck at maintaining friendships in pro wrestling. Last year, he was besties with AJ Styles and they ended their friendship and wrestled at WrestleMania Star. Jericho was able to come away with the win, which might have been the worst booking decision on the card minus the Women’s title match. Owens was the Universal Champion until he got distracted during a match against a part-timer. You likely know the story behind this match because why the hell would you be reading this article if you did not already know? Owens has been portrayed as a stronger character as of late but might it be a little too little, too late? Nope, this is WWE and Owens is apparently going to be in a faction with Trips and Botch Joe. Just what we need on RAW, another Triple H lead faction that starts the show talking for 20 minutes and stacks the odds against the faces. It is like 2005-2014 all over again. Anyway, Owens wins after some Samoa Joe interference.

My Pick: Kevin Owens

WWE Logic: Jericho wins by DQ after Joe and Owens beat him down. Possible that Sami Zayn saves him post match. Get ready for those Joe/Owens/HHH vs. Zayn/Jericho/Rollins matches throughout the summer.


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RAW Women’s Title Match
Bayley © vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax

You do not have to a TEW booking expert, to realize how badly booked the RAW Women’s division has been. For all of the excitement that Bayley, Flair & Banks brought to nXt, it has been crapped away on RAW. The numerous title changes between Banks/Flair throughout the year has hurt the momentum that they had when they were called up. You could actually say that the booking of the title match at last year’s WrestleMania Star really began the downward slope for the RAW Women’s division (the brand split was not in effect but the people were). The WWE appears to be high on Nia Jax and I am sure that it has nothing to do with her being The Rock’s cousin. I am not high on Jax at all because I do believe that she can wrestle in a good match without her opponent having to do everything (see nXt matches with Bayley). The word going around is that Bayley/Sasha are headed towards a feud and that is fine with me just as long as they do not book this like a typical WWE feud. You know the type, heel holds title but loses to face in a non-title match and then gets title match but then the face loses the title match due to heel cheating. It is a basic formula that the RAW bookers have fallen in love with and it needs to stop. Picking this match is a little difficult because it is elimination style. I will say that Dana Brooke distracts Charlotte so she loses but it does not look so bad. Nia gets disqualified for beating on Bayley took much and injures Bayley’s back. Sasha then “heelishly” locks in the Banks Statement and gets the tap. Fantasy bookers unite and the IWC gets angry.

My Pick: Sasha Banks (she deserved to win last year)

WWE Logic: Nia Jax pins Charlotte, Bayley and Sasha at the same time following a triple Samoan drop.


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WWE Championship Match
Bray Wyatt © vs. Randy Orton

Anyone else have no clue what the hell has happened with the booking in this feud? Super natural nonsense that rivals the old Snake Pit segments with Jake and The Ultimate Warrior. Orton looks unbelievably awkward in those backstage segments and I do not think that the build has been very good. It is a shame that Bray Wyatt’s first title run has been built around this. He really does deserve better than what he has been booked in. The stats shows that Bray has lost all his big matches at WrestleMania. He is essentially Dan Marino without the Isotoners endorsement. Orton won the rumble and has all the momentum, included becoming an Arsonist, which no one knew how to react too because it was a dick move and the PG Era does not approve of dick moves like burning down log cabins where children are buried in shallow graves. Remember when Orton kicked Trips in the head and then made out with his unconscious wife? Clearly a reflection of Orton’s character and not someone you want to be friends with. Learn your lesson, WWE Universe!! The only person in this feud who has been any good is Luke Harper and he should have been placed into this match. I would love to pick Bray here but I have been following the buzzards and all I found were some dead animals. You lied to me Bray! Bray becomes the 2017 version of the Bob Backland Memorial Transitional Champion.

My Pick: Randy Orton

WWE Logic: Bray retains via some weird nonsense involving the Wyatt Family getting back together mixed with chanting sheep faced people possibly involving Sister Abs showing up.


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WWE Universal Championship
Goldberg © vs. Brock Lesnar

It has been a fun ride with Goldberg right? Ok, so maybe the last couple of weeks have been awful but Survivor Series was booked like something that we have never witnessed before. It was great and a breath of fresh air in a wrestling world full of a hidden milk chug that your kid left under the passenger seat of your car. Too specific? Can you also believe that this match came about because of WWE 2K17? On a match that will lack anything athletic can rival the sheer crapfest that was WWE 2K17. This match is not going to be a 5* classic but one can hope that it will be better than that WrestleMania Two Black X’s. Goldberg got his win and also eliminated Lesnar from the Rumble so it is payback time for Lesnar here. Nothing special but a short and sweet title change.

My Pick: Brockkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Lesanarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

WWE Logic: Brock wins but then Finn Balor shows up post-match to give the crowd something to care about.


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Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker

Based upon their interactions on RAW, this match will not be pretty to watch. I was not sure of the face that The Undertaker was making on RAW two weeks ago but it resembled the face that I make 20 minutes after eating gas station tacos. It was a total non-fart waiver moment for the Deadman. Breaking this match down, this will be the first time that The Undertaker has challenged a Samoan wrestler at WrestleMania. The closest to a Samoan wrestler he faced was “SuperFly” Jimmy Snuka and he was from the Fiji Islands and based upon wrestling logic, Fijians have a hard head like Samoans but they are not considered elite level wrestlers like the Samoans are. For some of you reading this because it is a wrestling column, you might assume Fijians and Samoans are the same nationality. Big difference my Confederate flag waiving cheeto skinned friends. Anyway, this will also be the first that Roman has faced a Deadman at WrestleMania. There is no known nationality of a Deadman other than when he was a motorcycle riding Big Red Devil. The word going around is that this match will be going on last, so it makes the prediction pretty easy. “The Biggest Heel in Pro Wrestling” wins after they portray a nice story of The Undertaker finally not being able to get past the long walk down the ramp. Try not to vomit as next year’s WrestleMania Fleur-de-lis (a little tougher to say, maybe just go with WrestleMania 34 instead) is headlined by the only two men to defeat The Undertaker at WrestleMania. I am seriously tickled pink just thinking about it.

My Pick: Roman Reigns

WWE Logic: What a moment as The Undertaker passes the torch to Roman Reigns and the crowd goes home angry just like last year.

Thanks for reading through this. I can only hope that the show is more entertaining than writing nearly 3000 words about it. I will return next year for my breakdown of WrestleMania Fleur-de-lis. Remember to support your local wrestling shows, especially ones that promote Virgil. Stay off the drugs and remember to tip your Strip Club DJ’s.

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