Been a few since we’ve stepped into the ol’ trusty time machine. Let’s see if this son of a bitch still works properly as we go back to 1993 and check out episode 14 of Monday Night RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW……
The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 14
We are back in the Manhattan Center this week and good news…..ROB BARTLETT IS NOT HERE! Vince McMahon is ringside with “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Bobby Heenan. If we can just get rid of Savage at commentary, than we are definitely improving at a fast pace. Let’s go to the ring…..
Damian Demento apparently hails from “The Outer Regions of Your Mind”, which I believe is somewhere north of Topeka, Kansas. Don’t quote me on that though. Savage tells Heenan that he “couldn’t carry Rob Bartlett’s jock as far as being a broadcast journalist” is concerned. Vince should send Savage home because he’s drunk at ringside. Perfect wants to lock up but he can’t because Demento is currently listening to the voices in his head. Perfect finally gets a headlock on Demento and then nails him with a dropkick. That sends Demento running out of the ring. Perfect gets a wrist lock on, but Demento counters and starts hammering on Perfect finally. That doesn’t last long as Perfect kicks him in the face, but quickly gets sent flying out of the ring and Perfect lands on the camera man. Demento grabs him by the hair and brings him back into the ring. Demento gets some more offense in and whips Perfect into the corner. Some more hard shots send Perfect sliding back out of the ring. Demento throws him back in, but Perfect finally starts fighting back. Demento starts pounding away on Perfect though. Perfect starts fighting back again and whips hin into the ropes. Big knee to the face of Demento followed by the usual stuff we see when Perfect is setting up for the Pefect Plex. Demento reverses it though and goes for a splash, but Perfect puts his knees up. PERFECT PLEX TO DEMENTO! 1…..2…..3! My word. Isn’t he absolutely perfect people?
Winner: Mr. Perfect via Perfect Plex
I don’t know what’s going on now, but there’s a 10-year-old girl reading an essay called “No Hope With Dope”. It’s a beautiful poem, but I’m not sure this is the right time or place for it. And then shit gets really awkward when The Undertaker appears out of the blue and relays the message as well. Props to the girl for not shitting her pants like I would have….
Back at ringside, Bobby Heenan says he has a scoop for all of us. Apparently a WWE fan is going to propose to his girlfriend on RAW tonight. We get to see them on camera and Heenan says that he’s going to make sure that she say’s “no” to his proposal. Heenan is apparently not a fan of love and that’s something I can totally get behind.
“The Narcissist” Lex Luger
Lex Luger poses in the mirror before his match. That’s something I do before I take a shower every morning. Vince and the guys are now breaking down in full detail Luger’s apparent “bionic forearm” that is made of steel and is known to knock fuckers out. Maybe every wrestler should just go get steel arms and we just make it a level playing field? Crush gets the early advantage by throwing Luger into the corner. Luger doesn’t look concerned though. He starts flexing in Crush’s face and demands a test of strength. Crush obliges and starts winning the test of strength and Luger shockingly kicks him in the mid-section and gets the advantage. Crush fights back though and kicks Luger in the gut and power slams the crap out of him. Luger goes running out of the ring and says “What was that?”. Luger has been wrestling for over 10 years at this point and has never been power slammed apparently. He finally gets back in the ring and gets the advantage on Crush. Crush counters though and hits Luger with a dropkick. And now it’s time for a commercial break…..
We are back and Crush has Luger in a wrist lock at the moment. Luger goes for a hip toss, but that’s not happening. Crush gets a belly to belly suplex and pins him for a two-count. Luger gets up and sends Crush flying out of the ring from behind. Luger chases Crush and hits him with an axe handle from the ring apron. The two continue to brawl on the outside of the ring as Luger slams Crush’s back into the ring post. They eventually get back into the ring and Luger continues to work Crush over. Luger hits Crush with a huge powerslam and goes for the cover and gets a two-count. Luger goes for a suplex, but Crush counters it with a suplex of his own. Luger goes for a clothesline but Crush counters with another suplex. Both men are up and Luger is begging for mercy, but Crush isn’t having it. Legdrop to Luger and Crush goes for the cover and gets another two-count. Crush locks on the HEAD CRUSHER! Luger is down and he’s hurting! Crush picks him up and slams him down again. That is until Crush looks up in the stands and sees DOINK THE CLOWN. Crush releases the hold and starts staring down Doink. Crush starts inviting Doink in the ring and continues to stare him down and now ANOTHER Doink appears on the other side of the Manhattan Center! Luger now walks up behind Crush and sends him flying out of the ring with the illegal elbow. Crush is knocked out on the outside of the ring and gets counted out.
Winner: Lex Luger via count-out
We now get a commercial for the “King of the Ring” as qualifying matches are set to start real soon. I always loved the KotR tournament when I was a kid and I’m not totally sure why the WWE ever decided to fully drop the yearly tournament. IT WAS AWESOME!
Now we get another shot of the couple who are set to get engaged tonight. Something tells me that we are about to see something extremely corny go down.
Little known fact: I still make the “Mr. Hughes” sneer on an almost daily basis.
Hughes starts things off by grabbing Knight and just tossing him by the throat. This one is going to be ugly. Hughes continues pounding on Knight and power slams him halfway across the ring. We now get a shot of Bobby Heenan who is watching television and not Monday Night RAW. I’m not sure that’s the message you want to send your viewers Vince. “Hey look guys, this show is so boring that our own announcers are trying to watch other shit”. In what could only be described as “INCREDIBLE FORESHADOWING”, Heenan eventually stops on Ted Turner’s “TNT” station as something called “The Big Picture” is on. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Knight tries getting some offense in and jumps in Hughes’ arms, but he just gets caught and gets fed some back breakers. Hughes hits Knight with a big boot to the face and finishes things with a sidewalk slam. 1…..2….3! This one was never in doubt.
Winner: Mr. Hughes via Sidewalk Slam
We now get introduced to a new tag team of brothers called Billy and Bart Gunn, “The Smoking Gunns”. They will be making their WWE debuts real soon. It cracks me up to see Billy Gunn in his “handlebar mustache” days way before he became obsessed with asses.
We’re back and we get another shot of the couple who are supposed to get engaged tonight. All I know is, this better have a good pay off even though it is funny to hear Bobby “The Brain” Heenan insult the couple. And now we go to the ring where Vince McMahon is getting ready to conduct an interview with the WWE Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels…..
Vince McMahon: Mr. Michaels, if we could have your attention please. There’s no doubt that sooner or later, your path is gonna cross that of Mr. Perfect’s, but we’ll talk about that in just a moment. Right here, next week, you defending the Intercontinental Championship against “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. What possesses you to put the title on the line, knowing that Mr. Perfect is breathing down your neck?
Shawn Michaels: First of all, I want to tell you how sick and tired I’am of having to come to this dump, New York City. I mean this place is like the armpit of the Nation. Nah, even my armpit isn’t that bad. You know. Hey. You know, I saw those same two guys on TV in March in Washington. Hah, way to go guys. Anyway.
VM: Amazing that you would come out here and insult these wonderful fans in New York and all over the World. But they stand behind many of the Superstars in the WWF. I guess maybe you’re just not worthy of that?
SM: You know. You see this Vin Man? This is the World Wrestling Federation Intercontinental Title. I don’t need anybody to stand behind me. I got this on my own. And speaking of “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. The man who doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.
(Crowd starts shouting “Shawn is Gay”)
SM: Duggan, Shawn Michaels is an equal opportunity defender. It doesn’t matter if you’re short, fat, big, or tall, or in your case…ugly as the day is long, everybody gets their chance. And you will get yours. And these people mean absolutely nothing to me. I don’t have time in my life for a bunch of losers.
VM: All right, let’s talk about Mr. Perfect. Let’s talk about sort of the collision course there that you had with Mr. Perfect at WrestleMania. You will recall you and “The Narcissist” Lex Luger, were behind the locker room area, outside actually, and congratulating each other I believe, but there was a little problem wasn’t there?
VM: Mr. Perfect.
SM: Oh, ha ha. You mean Grover? Mr. Grover? The guy who lives in a little trash can on Sesame Street? The guy that I put in the trash can? That Mr. Perfect? I got news for you Perfect. You are gonna stay right…..
(Mr. Perfect comes walking down to the ring)
Perfect tries to get in the ring, but the WWE officials are holding him off. Shawn is begging him to get in the ring and even kicks Perfect. Perfect finally gets in the ring and starts chasing Michaels. They end up going all the way to the back and out of sight. We don’t see them anymore, but imagine they are off making out somewhere since “Shawn is gay” and everything.
Now we get a replay of WWF Superstars. Bam Bam Bigelow has Sensational Sherri by the hair, but Tatanka comes out for the rescue. He dropkicks Bigelow off the stage and rescues Sherri. Tatanka dives off the stage and lands on Bam Bam and goes home a hero.
We get more footage now of Tatanka coming out for a match, but he’s nowhere to be found. We go backstage and Tatanka is laid out courtesy of Bam Bam Bigelow. Bigelow starts cutting Tatanka’s hair. Savage says that Bigelow never should have touched Tatanka’s hair. Attacking him from behind? Totally fine though apparently.
Oh boy. Now this is a main event! I’m expecting a five-star classic here. Typhoon and Krus go face-to-face and Krus gets the early advantage. He gets some offense in, but Typhoon changes course and hits him with a suplex. Krus counters with a clothesline and gets the big man down. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan is now calling into the show so he can talk shit about Shawn Michaels. I’m shocked Duggan knows how to operate a phone myself. Krus meanwhile is raking the hell out of Typhoon’s face and continues pounding on him. Krus drops a wrist on Typhoon’s balls. You don’t see that move very often. Typhoon is finally up and he has the advantage now. Big splash to Krus followed by a clothesline. Typhoon hits the ropes and it’s a BIG SPLASH! 1…..2…..3! ***** easily.
Winner: Typhoon via Big Splash
Bobby “The Brain” Heenan has a microphone now and is at ringside.
Bobby Heenan: Am I on? Now I want to introduce you people to a very lovely couple. This couple are here to watch Monday Night RAW. This man right here. What is your name sir?
Man: Paul Sosnowski. Perth Amboy, New Jersey.
BH: No, one at a time.
BH: Paul what?
BH: Spell it.
Man: Do I have to?
BH: Can’t you?
BH: Sounds like an eye chart. Now this is your girlfriend, Chuck? What’s your name?
BH: Louise? That’s nice. Go ahead. Now you wrote me a letter. You wrote me a letter about what’s going down here. Now what do you want to do pal? Come on. You barge in on my show. Tell me what you’re going to do. Tell me what you want to do to this lovely lady.
Man: I want to ask Louise right here before this National television audience if she’ll marry me.
BH: Whooo. Wait a minute. You’re gonna ask her if she’ll marry you? How do you. How many girls have you been with before her?
Man: None at all.
Woman: How many men have you been with before him?
BH: How do you know you’re even sexually compatible?
Man: We’ve been going out for five years today.
BH: Her best deal is to go maybe on a bikers convention weekend or something. Get down on one knee. Come on. On one knee! Come on. I’ll get down with you on one knee. Come on. Ask her.
Man: Louise? Will you marry me?
BH: YES! We could do it! We could get married right here on Monday Night RAW! Will you guys get married on Monday Night RAW?
(The couple shakes their head)
BH: They’ll do it! They’ll do it! I’ll make sure they do it. Pal, you just bought the farm.
Holy crap that was a gigantic waste of time. And that’s the end of the show. Unfortunately we ended things on a sour note. At least next week Kamala is apparently in action so things will quickly pick up.
Let’s go back to 2017….