The second half of the NBA season is upon us. With only a few months left in this year’s NBA season, teams are cracking down and getting serious about the playoffs and a run at the NBA title.
With that said, here are twenty predictions that I expect to go down in the second half of this NBA season. Will they all come true? Highly unlikely. Will any of them come true? My guess is “no”, but shut up and read the damn article anyway!
-The pairing of DeMarcus Cousins and Anthony Davis in New Orleans will prove to be more of a disappointment than a franchise turnaround. The NBA is a guard-based league now and the Pelicans are awful in that aspect. There’s a reason the Pelicans were able to get Cousins for a pennies on the dime (the guy is a horrible teammate and a franchise destroyer) and those reasons will quickly show up. Pelicans fans should be use to disappointment though. THEIR MASCOT IS A PELICAN!
-James Harden and the Houston Rockets will be the Western Conference team in the playoffs that gives the Golden State Warriors the toughest fight. That series will go seven games and Harden will get kicked in the nuts by Draymond Green during every game.
-The Los Angeles Clippers will once again get bounced from the first-round of the playoffs and this off-season they will undergo a bit of a re-build. Blake Griffin will get traded to the Portland Trail Blazers for C.J. McCollum and Chris Paul will whine about it. SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WHINER!
-The Miami Heat will steal the eighth seed in the playoffs and the Indiana Pacers will just miss out on post-season action. This causes the Pacers to trade Paul George to the Los Angeles Lakers in the off-season, getting a nice young prospect back in return (Brandon Ingram? DeAngelo Russell?). George will than start dating Jeannie Buss and will become the new owner of the Lakers by this time next year.
-The Phoenix Suns will win the NBA Draft Lottery and the #1 overall pick. Boston Celtics fans drive over to Danny Ainge’s house and burn it down.
-The Warriors will meet the Thunder in the playoffs. In the sixth game of the series, Kevin Durant will surprise everyone and come out wearing an Oklahoma City Thunder jersey and announce that it was a set-up all along as him and Westbrook pulled a fast one on everyone. The Thunder will than lose the game, and Durant will insist that he was just joking around and he’s 100% a member of the Warriors.
-People will continue to not give a shit about the Charlotte Hornets.
-JaVale McGee will come out wearing a fat suit and a Shaquille O’Neal jersey for a game this season. When they put him in, he will just continuously fall down and run extremely slow. Little does McGee know that Shaq is in the building that night and he comes out and sticks McGee’s head in his ass.
-Mark Cuban will finally get sick and tired of the Dallas Mavericks and the disappointment they have put on display the last few seasons. He wants another NBA title and will get one by any means possible. He buys every team in the NBA, except the Brooklyn Nets.
-Dion Waiters wins the NBA’s “Most Improved Player” award. The USB’s own Jeremy Lambert writes a column on 6 different NBA websites about how he was ALWAYS right about Waiters and the Thunder blew it with him.
-Bill Simmons of The Ringer will write an NBA column where he doesn’t mention his beloved Boston Celtics once. At about the same time, a scientist will announce a new breed of flying pigs.
-The New York Knicks will miss the post-season and will once again blow the team up this off-season. Phil Jackson will trade Carmelo Anthony to the New England Patriots for Rob Gronkowski. Gronk suits up for the Knicks next year, but never lets the team score over 69 points. They go 0-82 on the year.
-Seriously though. People will continue to not give a shit about the Charlotte Hornets.
-The San Antonio Spurs will look like the second best team in the Western Conference the rest of the season. The playoffs start though and the real LaMarcus Aldridge shows up. You know the one I’m talking about. The guy who’s afraid of any contact, who whines when he doesn’t get his way, and leaves the first chance he gets when you don’t make him feel like he’s the most important person in the world. The Spurs trade Aldridge to the Suns for the #1 overall pick and draft a guy who wins them 12 more NBA titles in 15 years.
-Giannis Antetokounmpo will continue to blossom into one of the NBA’s best players. NBA fans everywhere continue to beg him to change his name to something easier to pronounce. He pulls a page out of Ron Artest’s book and changes it to “Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”.
-Joel Embiid gets seriously injured while attending a Nicki Minaj concert. He gets pulled on stage and Minaj starts twerking on him. Unfortunately it’s too much for Embiid as she knocks him down and he tears an ACL. Greg Oden is seen laughing from the rafters during the concert.
-Taking a page out of the Los Angeles Lakers’ and Magic Johnson’s book, other NBA teams will bring in old legends to run their teams as well:
Memphis Grizzlies will hire “Big Country” Bryant Reeves.
Golden State Warriors will hire Manute Bol
Los Angeles Clippers will hire Cherokee Parks
Washington Wizards will hire Gilbert Arenas
Portland Trail Blazers will hire Shawn Kemp and his 17 kids.
-Vince Carter announces that he’s going to retire from the NBA, but not until he dunks a basketball from the top of an NBA arena. His service is held in Toronto where Tracy McGrady gives a very heart warming speech about his departed cousin.
-Kobe Bryant will announce that he’s coming back to chase a title, but he won’t sign with a team until the playoffs start. He signs with the Utah Jazz and they get eliminated in the first-round when he takes a total of 1,000 shots in the first four games of the series.
-The Golden State Warriors will win the NBA title surprisingly absolutely no one. LeBron James will announce that he wants a trade to the Warriors this off-season and no one watches the NBA next season.