It’s been a few days since we’ve been in the time machine. Let’s see if this son of a bitch still runs the same…..
The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 9
Well, this is quite a change. Not only is the location of this Monday Night RAW completely different as we are no longer at the Manhattan Center, but Vince McMahon isn’t doing commentary on this episode. Instead, we have Gorilla Monsoon as the main man with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and Rob “Not Vince McMahon” Bartlett as his sidekicks. I say “Not Vince McMahon” because Bartlett is dressed like Vince and acting like him and Bobby Heenan is completely convinced it’s Vince. Apparently the “big blizzard of 93” just happened, so maybe that’s why we have a different location this week?
Hey, look at that….we get an introduction this week!
Before Razor fights, he takes his gold off and lets the ring guy know that “if something happens to this, something happens to you man”. Unfortunately Razor also hands him his tooth pick and doesn’t toss it at Greenberg. Razor instantly kicks Greenberg in the mid-section and hammers on him. He shoves him into the corner and starts chopping him. He picks Greenberg up and whips him into the ropes. He tries for a clothesline, but Greenberg ducks. He jumps right into Razor’s arms though and Ramon just tosses him over his head. He picks Greenberg up again and locks on a submission and just drops the guy. He grabs his legs and locks on a chin lock now and then starts slapping Greenberg’s head. Chokeslam to Greenberg now. Razor picks him up and puts Greenberg on the top rope. He goes up top as well and hits Greenberg with a suplex. Razor tells the crowd that it’s over. RAZOR’S EDGE TO GREENBERG! 1….2….3! Let’s go home.
Winner: Razor Ramon via Razor’s Edge
Typhoon without Earthquake is like cereal with no milk. No thanks. Plus, if I had to pick one…give me Earthquake all-day and twice on Sunday. The two lock-up and Typhoon tosses Gore down. They lock-up again and once more Typhoon tosses him down. He’s just too strong folks. Another lock-up and this time Gore gets a headlock. Typhoon whips him into the ropes and hits him with a shoulder block. Gore gets up and starts pounding on Typhoon now. He gets him into the corner and whips him into the other corner but Typhoon reverses it and finishes with a big splash. He then tosses Gore like a sack of potatoes. He picks him up and slams his head into the turnbuckle. Typhoon whips him into the ropes and nails him with an elbow. He picks him up again and hits a suplex this time. Typhoon whips him into the ropes again and this time hits a big powerslam and then stomps on his chest. He shoves Gore into the corner and hits another big splash. Typhoon whips him into the other corner and hits yet another splash. Gore goes down and Typhoon is calling for his finisher. BIG SPLASH TO GORE! 1….2…..3. Thank god that’s over.
Winner: Typhoon via Big Splash
We are back and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan is in the ring yelling at someone at ringside. Apparently they don’t know how to do their job. It’s interview time with the Giant Gonzalez and Harvey Whippleman:
Bobby Heenan: Harvey Whippleman, it is my pleasure to have you here as our guest. Tell me, you said you were gonna drop a bomb (looks at Giant Gonzalez). He’s okay, isn’t he? You said you were gonna drop a bomb at the Royal Rumble and you dropped a bomb. You dropped an 8-foot tall bomb didn’t you Harvey?
Harvey Whippleman: Oh, without a doubt. You know, I told everybody in the world that I had a big surprise for the World Wrestling Federation, and you know what Bobby? Nobody realized that I was actually telling the truest statement of my life because this is a real big surprise. But what I hate is I haven’t yet been able to have the Giant Gonzalez prove to everybody exactly how awesome he is. Because every time he steps in the ring, either the opponent doesn’t show up or the opponent runs away.
BH: You know, I saw during a match–a battle royal, I believe, right here on RAW. He just merely walked to ringside, boy, everybody left like there was a plague. They were scared to death.
HW: Exactly. And the one man who was stupid enough not to fear and respect the Giant Gonzalez at the Royal Rumble was the Undertaker and you saw what happened at the Royal Rumble. Everybody saw what happened at the Royal Rumble. The Undertaker was beaten, annihilated and destroyed like never before.
BH: Well, the Undertaker has made a statement that he’s going to put the Giant Gonzalez–now I didn’t say this. This is what I’ve heard. That he’s gonna put him in the biggest coffin the world has ever seen. I doubt that.
HW: I doubt it very much. You don’t have to worry about how these people react because we’re dealing with ignorance, it’s obvious. Now then, as far as the Undertaker and his statement. At WrestleMania 9, at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada, the Undertaker better have a real big coffin. You know why? Because he’s gonna go in it and his big fat goofy sidekick Paul Bearer is gonna be right in beside him. Because the most awesome force in the entire World Wrestling Federation, the eight foot tall, 443 pounds, Giant Gonzalez is gonnna destroy the Undertaker and bury him once and for all. So say goodbye to your pale destroyer.
BH: You know, I personally think that if you wanted to, because I’ve seen you on occasion, you’re a tough customer. I’d like to see you take that Paul Bearer out with maybe the old one, two?
HW: It’s like this Bobby. I’d give him so many rights, he’d be begging for a left.
BH: One last question. Giant–Mr. Giant Gonzalez, what are your plans for the Undertaker?
Giant Gonzalez: Undertaker. I have a giant surprise for you.
BH: Kind of like a giant barrel, wouldn’t you say? Ladies and gentlemen, my guest, the awesome Giant Gonzalez!
These two couldn’t be anymore different if they tried. Backlund goes for a handshake, but Shango isn’t having it. Shango charges Backlund, but Backlund moves. He does it a couple more times and Backlund keeps grabbing Shango’s leg and tripping him. Backlund starts dancing around and waving his arms. Shango wants a test of strength. Backlund goes for it, but changes his mind. Finally they lock up in a test of strength and Shango is winning. Backlund starts coming back, but Shango kicks him in the chest. Backlund rolls out of it and gets Shango in an arm lock. Shango grabs Backlund’s hair and pulls him down. Backlund trips Shango again and quickly grabs him. He gives Shango an elbow to the face and gets a wrist lock again. Shango whips Backlund into the corner and nails him with a back breaker. He picks Backlund up and smashes his head into the turnbuckle. Now he’s choking Backlund in the corner. Backlund eventually rolls out of the ring. Shango goes after him and the two are fighting outside the ring now. Shango gets back in as Backlund is now hurting on the outside. Shango goes back after him and throws him back into the ring. Shango grabs Backlund’s legs and drops a head butt onto his groin. He follows that up with a reverse chin lock. Backlund gets up and throws Shango off of him. Shango gets up quickly and starts hammering on Backlund again. He picks him up and drops him with a back breaker followed by an elbow drop. Another elbow drop now. Shango grabs Backlund in a reverse chin lock again. Backlund goes down as Shango uses the ropes for leverage. Backlund’s arm goes down twice, but once it’s dropped for a third time, he fights back and Shango releases the hold. Backlund is hammering on Shango now. He goes off the ropes but Shango charges him and hits him with a knee to the mid-section. He picks Backlund up and slams him down again. He goes for the cover now. 1…..2…..no! The two get up and Backlund grabs Shango and rolls him up with a small package. 1….2…..3! BACKLUND WINS! Shango goes after Backlund, but Bobby runs away. Something tells me Shango will be making himself a Backlund voo doo doll tonight.
Winner: Bob Backlund via Small Package
And it’s time once again for “Mean” Gene Okerlund’s WrestleMania 9 report….
Here’s the latest card:
-Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs. Yokozuna (for the WWE Title)
-The Mega Maniacs vs. Money Incorporated (for the WWE Tag Team Title)
-The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez
-Mr. Perfect vs. “The Narcissist” Lex Luger
Plus, much more. It sounds like a damn good time. I’ll be sure to catch that one for sure (FART NOISE).
The Nasty Boys
Things kick off with a back-and-forth with the crowd. The Headshrinkers try to get the crowd pumped up, but they aren’t having it. The Nasty’s yell “NASTY” and the crowd loves that though. They also love putting their arm up and pointing at their arm pit as well. Oh, 1993. I sure do miss the hell out of you sometimes. Samu is going to kick things off with Knobbs. He attacks Knobbs from behind and starts hammering on him. He throws him into the corner and hits him with a huge clothesline. He whips him into the other corner, but Knobbs counters with a clothesline. Another clothesline knocks Samu down. Knobbs continues hammering on Samu and tags to Sags. They hit Samu with a double back body drop. The ref is trying to get Knobbs out of the ring and that allows Fatu to run in and give Samu a hand against Sags. They go for a double-clothesline on Sags, but he ducks and hits him with a clothesline of his own. He pins Fatu (who isn’t even the legal man). 1…..2…..not happening. The ref gets Samu out of the ring and Sags grabs Fatu’s arm and tags Knobbs in. The Nasty Boys hit Fatu with a double-team maneuver. Knobbs grabs Fatu’s arm and tags Sags back in. Sags immediately grabs the arm as the fans break out in a “NASTY” chant. Fatu gets out of the arm lock and headbutts Sags. He whips him into the ropes, but Sags counters and hip tosses Fatu. He gets the arm lock back on and takes Fatu down and tags Knobbs back in. Knobbs drops an elbow and picks Fatu up with an arm lock again and tags in Sags once more. Sags grabs Fatu’s arm and Fatu grabs Sags hair and backs him up into the ropes. Samu hits Sags from behind and Fatu drops him with a big kick to the face. Just in time for a break.
The Headshrinkers are still in control and are working on Sags. Apparently while we were away, it was PANDEMONIUM in the ring and the ref almost disqualified everyone. Why the hell didn’t we see that then? Instead we get arm locks and chin locks? C’mon! Speaking of which, Fatu currently has a chin lock applied on Sags. Fatu lets him up and then throws him out of the ring. Samu grabs Sags and slams him on the floor outside and continues to beat on him while the ref is distracted. He throws Sags back in and Fatu makes the tag. Samu comes in and slams Sags to the mat. He goes to the top rope now and goes for a headbutt, but Sags moves. Samu manages to roll over to Fatu and get the tag, but Sags makes the tag to Knobbs as well. He starts punching Fatu now. Back body drop to Fatu. Knobbs is on fire and drops both Headshrinkers with a clothesline! He knocks their noggins together, but that does nothing. They just headbutt Knobbs and he goes down hard. They whip him into the ropes and go for a back body drop, but Knobbs hits them with a double DDT. Knobbs goes outside and goes after Fatu and they start brawling. Sags is fighting Samu and throws him out of the ring. Knobbs meanwhile slams Fatu into the buffet table that’s sitting by the entrance ramp for some reason. Fatu fights back and starts dumping mustard on Knobbs. Knobbs has a chair now and the bell rings as the ref is calling this one. The two teams continue to brawl though. You think a stinking bell is going to make these guys stop brawling? It’s currently a mustard-covered disaster folks.
Winners: Double Disqualification
And the show ends with a heart breaking video featuring the WWE superstars doing tons of charity work. How sweet. That’s a wrap for this week folks. Since the blizzard “ruined” the show this week, maybe we’ll return back to the regular scheduled shittiness next week? Time to go back to 2017!