The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 6

 

Been a few days since we stepped into the time machine. We’d better crank this bad boy on and make sure it still works.

Stand back everyone……

 

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The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 6

 

We are joined by Vince McMahon, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, and Rob Bartlett at ringside. Savage informs us that HULK HOGAN is in the house, which means business is about to pick up! I can’t wait……

Match #1:

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Bam Bam Bigelow

vs.

Some Jobber (Scott Taylor)

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One of the best parts about watching these old RAWs is seeing the jobbers. Scott Taylor is another jobber who would go on to have some fame later on as “Scotty Too Hotty”. Perhaps you’ve heard of him? He doesn’t stand much of a chance here though. Bam Bam Bigelow is a scary individual. Tsylor goes off the ropes and tries knocking Bigelow down, but he just goes down instead. He grabs Bigelow in a headlock and Bigelow picks him up and whips him into the ropes and gives him a shoulderblock. He whips Taylor into the ropes again and Taylor comes off with a clothesline that has Bam Bam reeling. He goes for another one, but Bigelow takes his head off with a clothesline of his own. The fans love them some Bam Bam and he’s a heel, so that’s interesting. He picks Taylor up and tries giving him a suplex, but Taylor wiggles free. He goes off the ropes and jumps on Bigelow’s shoulders. He starts punching Bam Bam and Bigelow just drops him on his back. Bigelow picks him up and gives him a head butt and then goes for a chin lock submission. Double-arm suplex to a backbreaker by Bigelow. Bigelow is going up to the top rope now. FLYING HEADBUTT FROM BIGELOW! Bigelow drops another headbutt on Taylor. Now he’s going to the top rope again. FLYING HEADBUTT FROM BIGELOW! 1…..2……3! The finisher so nice, you have to do it twice apparently.

Winner: Bam Bam Bigelow via Flying Headbutt

And now it’s time for a special interview with Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan…..

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Vince McMahon: Hulk Hogan. The entire world awaits your announcement this Monday night on Monday Night RAW. Hulkamaniacs young and old alike, hoping that you will say what they want you to say. That you’re gonna return to the ring in the World Wrestling Federation. It was right here in this very studio approximately a year ago prior to WrestleMania last year, that you and I speculated on the future of Hulkamania. That speculation continues. Just what is in your mind, the future of Hulkamania?

Hulk Hogan: Well, I tell you Mr. McMahon. The future of Hulkamania is so exciting. Really, I don’t know how to express myself. But all I know is sitting back for the past year and watching all my Hulkamaniacs, little and big, continue to train, say their prayers, and eat their vitamins and believing themselves makes me realize that those people aren’t just my friends. Those Hulkamaniacs. Those people that have carried on even without me have turned into my heroes instead of my friends. Because those are the ones who believe. Those are the ones with the positive lifestyle and are that ones that continue to set examples for the rest of the world. And the future of Hulkamania is really bright. And I can’t wait to get into that but before I do,  I’d like to talk about the past of Hulkamania. You know, when you’re at a top of any field. Any chosen profession. Whether it’d be entertainment. Whether it’d be sports. Or whether it’d be sports entertainment like Hulk Hogan was at the top of for so many years. There are a lot of curious people that want to dig into your past and find out what you’re all about. Well, when they dug into Hulk Hogan’s past, they found out a big surprise. Hulk Hogan is a human being. And as they looked into my past, even from a little age. Hulk Hogan is not afraid to admit he’s made mistakes. On a personal level, I’ve made mistakes. On the business level, I don’t always make the right decisions. And even on the peer pressure level as I was growing up in the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s, I made mistakes to. And my father said “Son, don’t do as I do, do as I say”. Well, I wanna change that around now because the future of Hulkamania is so positive. I want all those Hulkamaniacs that stuck with me even when I wasn’t around to know that we’re going to another level. And then there’s always a negative side. We’re in the era of the 90’s and not withstanding the legitimate media, there’s a lot of tabloid terrorism out there. Everyone knows that. There are the people that dwell on the negatives. Dig up any dirt that they can and even if the allegations are false, they report them anyway. And they don’t care who they hurt, just as long as they personally gain from it. But thank god the Hulkamaniacs are not all about that. We dwell on the positives, not the negatives. And Hulkamaniacs know that with a positive lifestyle and setting your goals high and with positive work ethics, you can have anything you want in this life man. And also Vince McMahon, the Hulkamaniacs, the big ones and the little ones, know the future of America lies on our youth. That’s why Hulk Hogan wants to be the leader of the 90’s. And now it’s not just do as I say, it’s do as I do Vince McMahon. Because there’s a command. There’s five of them now for my Hulkamaniacs and they go like this. There’s train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, believe in yourself, and believe in Hulk Hogan. And wait until my Hulkamaniacs hear what I have to say on Monday Night RAW.

VM: I can’t wait…..

Holy crap that was a whole lot of bullshit. You may not know this about Hulk Hogan, but the dude LOVES himself. I’m sure part of his deal to come back to the WWE was to give little 5 minute interviews where he jerks off to pictures of Hulk Hogan jerking off.

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

Match #2:

Shawn Michaels & The Beverly Brothers

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vs.

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Tatanka & The Nasty Boys

Tatanka doesn’t waste anytime. When he enters the ring he goes right after Michaels and it’s a pier-six brawl! The Nasty Boys whip the Beverly’s into Tatanka who gives them a double-clothesline. They then grabs Michaels and whip him into Tatanka who backdrops him out of the ring. WE NEED TO GET SOME ORDER IN THIS THING! Finally we have Jerry Sags going against one of the Beverly’s, and I believe it’s Blake. He’s whooping his ass. He quickly tags to Knobbs who throws Blake into the ropes and takes him down by his hair. Now Beau comes in and he gets knocked down. Sags grabs both the Beverly’s heads and smashes them into Knobbs’ arm pits. DOUBLE PIT STOP! Michaels comes in, but he quickly changes his mind. Knobbs starts bashing on Blake again. He whips him into the corner and charges, but Blake moves. He tags in Michaels and Michaels slugs Knobbs. Michaels is working over Knobbs now. He throws him into the ropes and gives him a shoulderblock. He picks Knobbs up and puts him in the bad guys corner and the Beverly’s beat up Knobbs while Shawn has the referee distracted by taunting Tatanka. The fans break out in a “NASTY” chant now. Michaels whips Knobbs into the ropes and goes for a back bodydrop, but Knobbs smashes his head into the ring and clotheslines him. Another clothesline. Knobbs tags Tatanka and Michaels quickly runs away and tags Beau Beverly. Beau runs in and gets taken down immediately with an arm drag. Big chop to Beau now. Tatanka grabs Beau’s arm and starts twisting it. Tatanka tags in Sags. Sags grabs Beau’s arm and he starts twisting it. He grabs him and throws him into the corner. Big shoulder breaker to Beau now. Sags for the pin. 1…..2….nope! Sags goes back to work on the arm and tags Tatanka back in. Tatanka starts working on the arm once again. Beau backs Tatanka up into his corner and Tatanka starts hitting everyone. IT’S A PIER SIX BRAWL AGAIN!!! Tatanka is all alone with Beau Beverly again. Beverly tries to kick Tatanka, but Tatanka grabs his foot. Big chop to Beau and he goes down. Tatanka goes back to work on the arm. He takes him into the corner and tags in Knobbs. Knobbs smashes Beau’s head into the turnbuckle and we are going to a commercial……

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

Knobbs is pounding away on Blake Beverly now. He charges Beverly, but Blake manages to backdrop him out of the ring. Blake distracts the referee while Beau throws Knobbs into the ring steps. Shawn Michaels hops down and throws Knobbs into the steps as well. Why the hell not? Sags finally comes over to check on his partner. Blake pulls Knobbs back in and tags Michaels. Michaels comes in and starts pounding away on Knobbs. They start exchanging punches now. Michaels gets the advantage and starts kicking Knobbs in the head. Michaels starts distracting the referee again and the Beverly Brothers come in and hit Knobbs with their finisher. Michaels comes over for the pin. 1…….2…….KICK OUT! Mchaels tags in to Beau and he comes off the top rope and hits Knobbs. He goes for the pin now. 1……2…..nope! Beau tags in Blake and they both start hammering away on Knobbs. Bearhug from Blake to Knobbs. Knobbs is reaching for the tag, but Beau runs back towards his corner with Knobbs and tags in Michaels. Michaels starts hammering away on Knobbs again. He whips him into the corner. He charges Knobbs, but Knobbs moves! Both men are down. Knobbs is crawling for the tag, but Michaels gets the tag to Blake. He comes in and nails Knobbs on the back and taunts the other guys. He drops an elbow on Knobbs and smashes his head into the turnbuckle. Tag to Beau now and he whips Knobbs into the ropes, but Knobbs kicks him in the face and they both go down. Beau gets the tag to Michaels and grabs Knobbs. He whips him into the ropes and Knobbs kicks him in the face. Michaels doesn’t go down though. He grabs Knobbs again and whips him into the ropes. They just run into each other and both go down. The fans break out in another “NASTY” chant. Knobbs finally crawls over to the corner and tags Tatanka! He comes in and starts dancing and Michaels is begging for mercy. Chop to Michaels. He whips Michaels into the corner and he goes flying. Kick to HBK now! A big clothesline drops Michaels. Now a powerslam to Michaels and Tatanka goes for the pin. 1…..2…..NO! The Beverly’s come in to give HBK a hand, but Tatanka starts chopping them. He starts dancing around the ring. Big chop to HBK! Another one! Tatanka is going to the top rope! BIGGER CHOP TO HBK! Tatanka goes for the pin again. 1…….2……NO! Tatanka picks him up and whips him into the ropes. SAMOAN DROP TO HBK! Tatanka goes for another pin. 1……2….NO! Blake Beverly runs in and drops a legdrop on Tatanka. Now it’s ANOTHER PIER SIX BRAWL!!!!! The Nasty’s throw the Beverly’s out of the ring and go after them. Tatanka and HBK are all alone. HBK picks him up, but Tatanka rolls him up. 1…..2……3!!! TATANKA PINS HBK!!!!!

Winners: Tatanka and The Nasty Boys

That was actually a fun little match.

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

Back at ringside and Vince McMahon is hyping WrestleMania 9. Randy Savage says it’s going to be the “greatest one ever”. Oh, you couldn’t be any more wrong if you tried “Macho Man”. And hey, look at that! Sean Mooney is back and the WWE still isn’t allowing him in the building. He’s hanging out outside with a bunch of fans who were probably paid to stand there. They are all hyped about the return of HULK HOGAN BROTHER!

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

Match #3:

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Crush

vs.

“Terrific” Terry Taylor

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C’mon Terry! YOU CAN DO IT! The early Monday Night RAW’s weren’t very good, but there was a lot of Terry Taylor and WWF Hasbro action figures commercials. Two bonus things in my book. Taylor and Crush go face-to-face and Crush pushes him down. Taylor gets up and now Crush has a headlock on. Taylor starts hitting Crush against the ropes, but Crush whips him into the ropes and nails him with a dropkick. He picks Taylor up and presses him over his head and slams him. Taylor rolls out of the ring for a breather. Crush grabs him by his hair and pulls him back in. Taylor gives him an eye poke and slams Crush’s throat against the top rope. He gets back in the ring and continues to choke Crush. Taylor starts hitting Crush with some illegal punches and starts choking him again. Chin breaker to Crush now followed by a neckbreaker. Taylor goes for the pin. 1…..2….nope. Taylor starts hitting Crush again, but Crush is no-selling it. He starts hitting Taylor and he goes down. He whips him into the ropes and hits him with an atomic drop. Big clothesline to Taylor now. Tilt-a-whirl suplex to Taylor and Crush is calling for the finish. HEAD CRUSH TO TAYLOR! He quickly quits.

Winner: Crush via Head Crush

Now we get a recap of Money Inc. beating the hell out of Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake with their briefcase. All of that drama and all that happened was a broken nose. Big whoop. And now Hulk Hogan is coming back like someone just murdered one of his family members. And yes….he’s coming back NEXT!!!!

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

Vince McMahon: We’re back ladies and gentlemen, and let’s not wait any longer. Here he is….HUUUUULLLLLLKKKKKK HOOOOOGAAANNNNN!!!!!

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VM: All right. Alright Hulkster. Tell us what we want to hear. C’mon.

Hulk Hogan: Well, you know something Vince McMahon. The first thing I want to say is. Look at all my Hulkamaniacs here on Monday Night RAW. If Hulkamania is not running wild, you tell me what is. Is Hulkamania running wild?

VM: WILDER THAN EVER!

HH: Well, you know Vince McMahon. There are a lot of things I want to talk about brother. And the first thing I want to talk about is what happened out here last Monday night on RAW. As I was sitting home in my beach house in Venice Beach, California in front of my TV. I was waiting for one of the greatest comebacks of all-time when my best friend hit this ring last Monday night and I was grinning from ear-to-ear brother. As I watched Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake out-strut the “Multi-Million Dollar Man”. As I watched Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake out-wrestle the “Multi-Million Dollar Man”, I was happy as I could be. But all  of a sudden, my smile turned to fear brother, as I saw that no good I.R.S. sneak out of the back and the next thing I knew, with that metal briefcase over his head and Ted DiBiase had Brutus hooked. I saw what I couldn’t believe with my own eyes. I saw that briefcase come across this ring faster than a speeding bullet brother. And as Brutus got the crush of all-time in his face. The noise was so loud on my TV, I had to turn my head brother. Because I knew at that point in time, Brutus Beefcake’s face was crushed into a million pieces dude. But Brutus is OK. That’s the good news brothers. Oh, yes, sir. That’s the good news! The thing is, Brutus’ pretty little nose is just bent up a little bit. And as far as I’m concerned, he looks more like a wrestler than he ever did. But the thing that tears me apart inside, is not what they did to Brutus Beefcake…it’s what they tried to do him, brother. And right now, I want to publicly thank two people for last Monday Night RAW brother. The big man upstairs who’s been with Brutus Beefcake since day one all the way through the first accident and all the way to what could have been the nightmare of all time. I want to thank the big man first off for being with Brutus. And the second person I want to thank, as crazy as this may sound to all my Hulkamaniacs. I saw the brother lay his body on the line and stop the “Million Dollar Man” from the second blow to Brutus’ face, which could have been an all-out horror show, so I want to thank Jimmy Hart personally. But to answer your question Vince McMahon. I’m here on a mission brother. And I want to state publicly right now that I’m BACK in the WWF! I’m back little dude. In the WWF, with me and all my Hulkamaniacs. And I’m on a mission brother. And the first order of business is to right the wrong that Money Incorporated tried to to do Brutus Beefcake. So all I gotta say right now is, the first person I want standing in the ring with me is my friend to the end….Brutus “The Bionic Barber” Beefcake!

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VM: Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Take a look at that kisser if you would.

Brutus Beefcake: I have to say. Little did I know that I was going to get the ultimate wake-up call when I stepped into that ring. As I stood there and I realized that suitcase was smashing my face. I thought it was curtains for me. It ran my bell so loud that my ears are still ringing. But as the shock wore off and I as I lay in the arms of Jimmy Hart with the blood oozing from my nose, I began to realize that nothing on this Earth could shatter the titanium steel face. And just like the Hulkster, I want to thank two guys right now. And first, I want to thank the big man because he’s been right behind me the whole way. But I also want to thank Jimmy Hart! And Hulkster, as I stand here now with the power of Hulkamania running wild through my body, I can’t wait to get the I.R.S. and Ted DiBiase one more time and cross my path again.

HH: Well, you know something Brutus. I sure hope that Money Incorporated is sitting in front of their TV’s watching us right now brother, because the first thing that you and I are gonna do brother is, seizing their assets one at a time. And I can’t think of no better way than to take the man who everybody thought was yellow from head-to-toe, but last week after he showed his true colors out here. As far as me and all my Hulkamaniacs are concerned, he’s painted with red and yellow from head-to-toe. So right now Hulkamaniacs. I want to bring out Brutus “The Barber” and Hulk Hogan’s brand new manager. Jimmy Hart!

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VM: Jimmy Hart. Jimmy Hart, the manager of Brutus Beefcake and Hulk Hogan?

Jimmy Hart: Let me tell you something Hulk Hogan. This is the greatest day of my life baby. Because you see, for a long long time, I’ve dreamed of wearing the red and yellow of Hulkster man. And you know something else Hulk. I have always idolized you man. And I know right now, watching these monitors in the back, there’s a lot of World Wrestling Federation Superstars, Vince McMahon, who idolize this man too. And you know what, withe the past eight years, this megaphone right here has won a lot of matches for the “Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart. And I admit, there’s a lot of great tag teams in the World Wrestling Federation. But I really believe with my heart.Hulkster, that Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake and Hulk Hogan together will be the greatest tag team of all-time! And I promise you one more thing baby. That every morning of my life that Jimmy Hart gets up, I will take my vitamins! And you Money Incorporated, you had better start saying your prayers!

HH: Well, you know something Money Incorporated. We just want to make Jimmy, come over here brother. Me and Brutus just want to let you know your first order of business as the manager of this trio of “Mega Maniacs”, that’s what we’ll call ourselves. The manager of the “Mega Maniacs” is to get the “Multi-Million Dollar Man” or I.R.S. either in singles matches or tag team matches. It doesn’t matter to us. And by the way, Money Incorporated. What’cha gonna do, when the trio of the “Mega Maniacs” runs wild on you????

The Mega Maniacs continue to pose around the ring. Vince McMahon rejoins the commentary team and Hulk Hogan rips his shirt off as McMahon is more excited for that than any straight man has a right to be.

Main Event:

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The Undertaker

vs.

Skinner

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Considering there is less than two minutes left in the show….I’m not expecting much out of this one. And we go straight to a commerical…..

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

We are back and both men are down. Vince informs us that we are running out of time just as Skinner clotheslines Undertaker out of the ring. And we go to another commercial because the WWE really doesn’t want us to see this match.

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

Skinner punches Undertaker and hits him again and knocks him out of the ring. He chases Undertaker out and jumps on his back. He proceeds to choke Undertaker and beat him with his alligator claw. And now we are out of time and the show ends. I can only assume that Skinner threw The Undertaker back into the ring and hit him with the GATOR ROLL and pinned him 1….2…..3! Ya, let’s go with that.

Winner: Who the fuck knows. Probably Undertaker, but I hope Skinner.

And that’s the end of the show. Hulk Hogan is back now and he’s just as long-winded as ever. His stupid ass had to talk twice during this show and it ruined the main event for everyone. THANKS HULKSTER! Fuck this, I’m going back to 2017.

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