You got a Super Bowl hangover?
So do I.
Let’s get out of here and go back to 1993……
The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 5
Things kick off with a post-taped interview featuring Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake:
Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake: Ted DiBiase, tonight I’m going to prove to you and everyone else that I’m a hundred percent healed and ready for action. The Barber is back!
Ted DiBiase: Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Two years ago, your face was shattered in a parasailing accident. But tonight, that’s gonna be the least of your worries. (evil laugh)
Jimmy Hart: I don’t think that’s necessary. There’s no need for that baby, no need for that right now.
TD: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Would you stop worrying? Everything is going to be just fine. (evil laugh)
We are here with Vince McMahon, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, and yes….Rob Bartlett still has a job. The good news tonight is, we have a BATTLE ROYAL and if there’s anything I love, it’s a good ol’ fashioned battle royal.
The Steiner Brothers
Some Jobbers (Glen Ruth & Bobby Who)
Glen Ruth is still a few years away from teaming up with Mosh as the Headbangers. He’s going to have to put up with Bobby Who as his partner. Who? Exactly. Scott gets things started off with Ruth. They lock up and arm drag takedown to Ruth gets things started. Another lock up and Ruth whips Steiner into the ropes, but Steiner nails him with a suplex. Scott tags Rick in now. Rick runs around the ring and barks. He locks up with Ruth and back him up into the corner. Ruth gets the tag to Who. Who comes in and instantly gets knocked down. Belly to belly suplex to Who. Now an elbow drop. Rick goes over and tags Scott in. Scott hits Who with a dropkick while Randy Savage has issues with his microphone at ringside. Scott picks up Who and gets him in a powerbomb position and walks over and tags Rick. Rick goes to the top rope and nails him with an elbow. He grabs Who and applies a headlock submission. Who grabs the ropes and Rick has to break the hold. They lock up and Who gets Rick against the ropes and starts hitting him. That doesn’t last very long. Rick hits Who with a big clothesline and tags Scott in. Scott grabs Who and gives him a double-arm suplex. Scott puts Who on his shoulders while Rick goes to the top rope. Bulldog headlock and Scott goes for the pin. 1……2…..3. There was never any doubt.
Winners: The Steiner Brothers via bulldog headlock from the top rope
And now it’s time for a WrestleMania 9 report. Can you feel the excitement? Hopefully someone can…..
“Mean” Gene is here of course with the WrestleMania 9 report. In case you don’t remember, this WrestleMania was arguably the worst of all-time. Just a big stinker all-around. Las Vegas is my second home and giving that wonderful city a piece of crap like this was just wrong. Gene fills us in on the current WrestleMania card:
- Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna (for the WWE title)
- The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez
- Crush vs. Doink
WOOOOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOGIEEEE. What a card!
Some Jobber (Ross Greenberg)
Yokozuna is back to kick some ass again. This is the fifth show I’ve done and the third time he’s wrestled on one of these. Although he doesn’t really wrestle, he comes out and just dominates for about a minute and a half. Savage is still having issues with his microphone on commentary. Honestly though, it’s an improvement so let’s keep it that way. Yoko intimidates Greenberg with some sumo moves. Greenberg charges and gets a clothesline. Yoko picks him up and gives him a belly to belly suplex. Yoko goes for a big legdrop now and Greenberg could be dead. Yoko picks him up and throws him into the corner and starts punching him. He whips him into the corner and hits him with a big splash. Greenberg falls down and Yoko goes to the top rope. BANZAI DROP. 1…..2…..3! Let’s go home.
Winner: Yokozuna via Banzai Drop
Now we go to a special report with Lord Alfred Hayes. In the special report, we see a clip of “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan facing Yokozuna on WWE Superstars. Duggan attempts to knock Yoko down many times, but he fails. He eventually got the job done though and the crowd popped big. Duggan paid a big price though as Yoko threw a bucket of salt in Duggan’s face while celebrating and dropped some BANZAI DROPS on “Hacksaw”. He even draped an American flag over Duggan’s body and gave him a BANZAI DROP. YOKOZUNA IS A MONSTER FOLKS! A DAMN MONSTER!
Mr. Fuji: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. I think you found out like everyone else on facing my Yokozuna. Not only that he defeat you, but he squashed , squashed, and squashed you. (evil laugh)
And now we are going back to WWE Superstars to see a clip of Giant Gonzalez dominating 3 jobbers, including Louie Spicolli. He grabs Spicolli by the throat and holds him for over a minute before hitting him with a chokeslam. The other two jobbers just run off. Gonzalez just poses to the crowd. This guy is going to be huge man. I can feel it.
Everyone starts beating on each other of course. That’s how a battle royal works. I’m not even going to try to keep track of all this crap. Let’s just try and keep track of the eliminations if we can…..
- “Iron” Mike Sharpe (elimination #1)
- Koko B. Ware (elimination #2)
- Skinner (elimination #3)
- Damien Demento (elimination #4)
- Owen Hart (elimination #5)
- The Berzerker (elimination #6)
- Kamala (elimination #7)
- Kimchee (elimination #8)
- Typhoon (elimination #9)
- Terry Taylor (elimination #10)
- Bob Backlund (elimination #11)
- Shawn Michaels (elimination #12)
- Tatanka (elimination #13)
- “El Matador” Tito Santana (elimination #14)
When the ring was left with just Razor Ramon, Tatanka, and Tito Santana, the Giant Gonzalez came down to the ring and eliminated everyone. Razor Ramon was able to slide under the ring though so I guess that makes him the winner?
Winner: Razor Ramon
Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
DiBiase comes down with his manager Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart. I remember being nervous for Beefcake during this match back when I was 12 years old. I honestly thought Beefcake’s face would fall off during the match. Oh, the joys of being young. This is Beefcake’s first match in a WWE ring in a few years. Let’s see what he’s got. DiBiase goes to lock-up, but Beefcake fakes him and starts strutting. DiBiase goes for another lock-up, but again Beefcake fakes and does some strutting. Finally they lock-up and Brutus throws DiBiase into the corner. Another lock-up and DiBiase gets the advantage finally. He whips Beefcake into the ropes, but Beefcake ducks and starts punching DiBiase. He knocks DiBiase down and he rolls out of the ring. DiBiase gets back in the ring and Beefcake gets a headlock. DiBiase whips him into the ropes and ducks, but when he gets up, Beefcake starts punching the hell out of his face again. DiBiase goes out of the ring again and is obviously frustrated. He gets back in the ring and kicks Beefcake in the mid-section. He goes to slam his face into the turnbuckle, but Beefcake counters and does it to DiBiase. He grabs DiBiase in a headlock and Irwin R. Schyster is making his way down to the ring now. DiBiase whips Beefcake into the ropes and I.R.S. hits him in the back with the briefcase and that earns the disqualification.
Winner: Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake via DQ
It’s not going to stop there though. I.R.S. gets in the ring and Money Inc. continue to beat on Beefcake. DiBiase picks Beefcake up and holds him. I.R.S. has the briefcase and is going to hit Beefcake in the face, but Jimmy Hart is trying to stop the madness. I.R.S. throws Hart out of the ring. He winds up and nails Beefcake in the face and he goes down hard. Hart is back in the ring and he covers his body over Beefcake’s now. I.R.S. wants to hit him again, but so does DiBiase. He gives DiBiase the briefcase. DiBiase goes to hit him and once again Hart tries to get in the way. He’s begging them for mercy. Money Inc. walk away laughing as the referees and Hart are trying to help Beefcake. Vince McMahon says Beefcake looks like he’s trying to hold his face together, which is bad news for “The Barber”. Beefcake gets taken away with a stretcher.
Vince informs us that Beefcake is actually OK and may have just suffered a broken nose. The good news is, he should be here next week and he could have some friend/s with him. Oh boy.
That’s all she wrote for this week folks. Nothing like ending the show on a good note. Something tells me RAW is about to be injected with some RED & YELLOW BROTHER!