The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 4

It’s kind of a dead time in sports right now. The NFL season only has one more game left, and it’s still a little too early for me to dive into “NFL Draft Season” quite yet. The NBA is boring and my favorite team the Portland Trailblazers are severely underachieving this year. We are just a few weeks away from spring training in baseball, NFL free agency, the NFL draft and March Madness though, so business is about to pick up soon. Until then, we will be spending a lot of quality time in the time machine and back in 1993.

So let’s roll baby….

 

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The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 4

 

For the first time in the short history of Monday Night RAW, we don’t start things off with Sean Mooney on the outside of the building. We are actually starting with a match! That’s odd. Tatanka’s music hits and for some reason it REALLY pisses off this guy…..

 

Match #1:

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Tatanka

vs.

Damien Demento

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Damien Demento went from the main event of RAW to the opening act of RAW (with no entrance music mind you….) in just a matter of three weeks. Who’s Cheerio’s did he piss in to drop that far? They go to lock-up, but Demento start hitting Tatanka with some cheap shots instead. He whips Tatanka into the ropes and he counters with a roll-up pin. 1….2…..nope! I don’t care how shitty of a wrestler you are, you can’t lose in 30 seconds to a damn roll-up pin. C’mon Tatanka. Demento gets up and starts working Tatanka over now. Tatanka whips Demento into the ropes and takes him down with a hip toss. Bodyslam by Tatanka now. He charges Demento and clotheslines him over the top rope. Demento lands on the outside and starts talking to all the voices in his head. Tatanka comes up from behind and chops him. They get back in the ring and Tatanka follows up with some more chops. He whips Demento into the ropes, but Demento catches himself, and he gets a big chop from Tatanka that knocks him down. Demento gets the advantage now. He hits Tatanka with a big clothesline and continues the conversation with the voices in his head. He whips him into the ropes and hits Tatanka with an elbow now. Legdrop from Demento and he goes for the pin. 1……2……not happening. Legdrop to Tatanka’s nuts now. Demento continues kicking Tatanka and goes for the pin again. 1…….2…..you wish. Now he grabs Tatanka in a choke submission. Tatanka is going out, but he’s undefeated so he’s not going to lose like this. Tatanka gets out of the choke and hits Demento with some elbows. He goes off the ropes and Demento kicks him in the stomach. He slams Tatanka’s head into the turnbuckle. Tatanka is getting juiced up though. Demento is hitting Tatanka, but it’s not having any kind of effect. Big chop from Tatanka as he’s dancing around the ring. He whips him into the ropes and hits him with a big chop. Samoan Drop from Tatanka now and he goes for the pin. 1……2……3! Tatanka wins of course.

Winner: Tatanka via Samoan Drop

We get a recap now of the WWE’s Headlock for Hunger charity event at MSG. Bret “The Hitman” Hart comes out holding a big ass $100,000 check (which sure doesn’t seem like a lot these days) that’s being donated. I always wanted to hold one of those big ass checks for some reason.

Now it’s interview time. Vince McMahon is in the ring……

Vince McMahon: Ladies and gentlemen. My guest at this time, unquestionably one of the all-time greats in the World Wrestling Federation. Would you welcome please. The one and the only. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake!

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VM: Brutus “The Barber”. What an ovation. This has to make you feel real, real, good.

Brutus Beefcake: It really makes me feel great Vince McMahon. I feel like a million dollars.

VM: We haven’t seen you since that devastating and near-fatal parasailing accident. Good to have you back.

BB: Well, it’s great to be back Vince. And I came here for one reason tonight. And that’s to make a very important announcement.

VM: OK

BB: I intend to return to the WWE. I intend to return to the ring. To return to the struttin’ and the cuttin and to take on all comers, whoever they may be.

VM: Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake is back! I have to say though Brutus, I’m sure that I’m not the only individual who’s certainly concerned with this comeback. I mean, considering the extent of the near-fatal accident, your whole face was totally reconstructed. To me, this is a very very risky maneuver.

BB: Yes Vince, it is. You could say it could be a risky involvement here. But I just came out here to give you a little bit of background and to let you know just exactly how and why I arrived at this decision. Let me tell you. Let me just start it out. Let me. Let me tell you like this Vince.

VM: Please do.

BB: Just before the accident. After a lengthy bout with cancer. I lay my frail 85-pound mother in the grave. Yeah. OK. And not shortly after, I laid my father who died of a heart attack, half from grief, half from sorrow, right next to her.

VM: This is all prior to the accident?

BB: Just before the accident. And then when things were pretty bad, Vincent. I was down. And I reached out for my wife. She slapped me upside the head with divorce papers and took off with some bar fly with everything I had.

VM: All of this is prior to the accident? Nobody knew that.

BB: Well, you know something Vince. Not withstanding all this. And I was pretty down at this point and a pretty desperate man. Broke and desperate. As I was walking along the beach and was looking up into the sun. Ba boom! The knees of a girl parasailing smashed me in the face and shattered my skull in a million pieces. You know, my eyes were squashed into the back of my head, but my ears were still working. And I was–as I was whisked off in the helicopter to the trauma center, I heard them talking. I heard what they said. And there wasn’t much of a chance for me at this point. The next thing I knew I was in the hospital surrounded by doctors and once again I was listening. They weren’t giving me much of a chance. I was laying there without so much as an aspirin for 24 hours waiting for them to decide what to do with me.

VM: What was going on in your mind?

BB: Vince, I was beaten down. I was about to give up. I felt the life blood oozing from my body. I was reaching out with my hands. I was putting myself in God’s hands. When another hand reached out and grabbed me. That hand was none other than the hand of Hulk Hogan!

VM: He’s always been your friend until the end, Brutus.

BB: More than that, Vince McMahon. Hulk was right there as I came out of surgery with my eyes sewn shut, a steel bolt through my nose holding my forehead on. My jaws wired shut with steel. Eight steel plates. 30 screws. 500 stitches later. Hulkster was there as they pulled the bandages. And as I saw a glimpse of light through the big fat swelled up eyes, the first thing that I saw was the red and yellow standing over me. And he was saying “Don’t give up Brutus. You got to fight because me and all the little Hulkamaniacs are behind you all the way and no matter what happens, you’ll be taken care of”. Well, from that point on. From my first step to the time I left the hospital. To the time that I was back to my feet and regaining my strength, the Hulk was there all of the time.

VM: But Brutus, even still with all of that, and obviously you’re looking in great condition. Still it seems to me an unbelievable risk for you to get back into the ring.

BB: That’s true Vince. But at this point, I’m a desperate man. I’ve got nothing left. Everything is gone. My career. Everything is down the tubes. I went to the Hulkster and as I looked him in the eye, he came with the answer before I could give the question. And his answer was “Go for it Brutus, Go for it”.

VM: Well, with a good man or the big man looking over your shoulder encouraging, that’s quite a tag team, isn’t it?

BB: That’s right Vince McMahon. Because after all this and after all I’ve suffered, do you think that someone can actually hurt me? That you think after all the suffering that a little bit of pain in this ring is going to be enough to make me give up? To make me quit? Not a chance. Not a chance.

VM: So you’re back to take on all comers?

BB: That’s right. Anyone who wants to step in the ring with me, I’ve signed an open contract and I’ll take on anybody. I don’t care how big or how small.

VM: Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake is BACK!!!

Brutus leaves the ring as this was a gigantic waste of time. The only thing we learned here is that Hulk Hogan is a creeper who likes to watch people in surgery. The more we learn about that guy, the less I like him.

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

We get a clip of one of the RAW girls walking around the ring. She’s holding a sign and when she sees the camera, she flips the sign around and it says “Steak tartare is RAW” and Vince McMahon lets out a maniacal laugh. My lord this guy was so out of touch in 1993. I’m honestly shocked the WWE is still around when I go back and watch how awful things were at this time.

Match #2:

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High Energy

vs.

Some Jobbers (Von Krus & “Iron” Mike Sharpe)

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Little known fact. Von Krus would later go on to find fame in WCW as “Big Vito”. “Iron” Mike Sharpe would never find much fame, but he goes down in infamy as one of the greatest jobbers of all-time, so that’s something, right? High Energy is a tag team consisting of Koko B. Ware and an unhappy Owen Hart who was thinking of calling it a career around this time because he wasn’t doing much. That would all change in a couple of months though. Owen starts things off with Sharpe. They lock up and Sharpe takes him down. Sharpe high-fives Krus, which should count as a tag….shouldn’t it? Sharpe gets a headlock on Owen. Owen whips him into the ropes and Sharpe hits him with a shoulderblock. Sharpe goes off the ropes, but Owen gets up and hits him with a big dropkick. Drop toe-hold to Sharpe into an armbar. Owen picks Sharpe up and goes for the tag. Koko comes in and they double-team Sharpe now. Headsnap takedown to Sharpe and he tags in Von Krus. Koko takes Krus over to the corner and tags in Owen. They whip him into the ropes and give him a double back bodydrop. Koko dropkicks Sharpe off the ring apron now. Owen whips Krus into the ropes and picks him up while Koko goes to the top rope. Dropkick off the top and Owen rolls him up for the pin. 1……2……3! That’s all she wrote folks.

Winners: High Energy via top rope dropkick

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

We are back with Vince McMahon, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, and Rob Bartlett at ringside. We get a replay of Doink attacking Crush a few weeks ago on WWE Superstars. Crush is still out of action due to that attack. Don’t mess with Doink man. You’ll regret it.

Match #3:

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Doink The Clown

vs.

Typhoon

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This one should be a classic. Typhoon is capable of surprising you and “Evil” Doink The Clown is the GOAT! Doink gets in the ring and starts waving and laughing at everyone. Doink immediately grabs Typhoon’s leg and takes him down. Typhoon gets up and uses his brute strength to throw Doink off. Doink goes for the leg again and takes him down. An elbow drop to Typhoon and Doink gets him in a headlock. Typhoon gets up  and throws Doink off again. They lock up and Doink goes underneath Typhoon’s legs and takes him down again. He rakes Typhoon in the eye and gets him in an arm lock submission. Doink drops an elbow on Typhoon and grabs him in a chin lock now. Typhoon gets up and Doink jumps on his back. Typhoon smashes Doink into the corner. He whips Doink into the other corner and grabs him in a bear hug. Doink rakes him in the eyes again and gets released. Doink punches Typhoon now, but it’s not having any effect. Doink runs into the ropes and Typhoon grabs him and bodyslams him. He gets up and smashes Doink’s head into the turnbuckle. He whips Doink into the other corner and goes for a splash, but Doink moves. Doink goes to the middle rope and hits him with a shoulderblock. Doink sits on Typhoon’s face and grabs his tights. 1……2……3! Well, that was anti-climatic.

Winner: Doink The Clown via illegal pin

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

We’re back and Vince is ringside with Todd Pettengill now and they are hyping WWE Mania. Boy, that show was awesome back in the day.

Howard Finkel is in the ring and he informs everyone of the unfortunate passing of WWE legend Andre The Giant. We get a nice tribute video of the big man as well as a ten-bell salute.

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(COMMERCIAL TIME)

Match #4:

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Yokozuna

vs.

Some Jobber (Bobby DeVito)

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The smart money is on Bobby DeVito here. In a moment of hilarity, Vince McMahon informs us that “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan is on the phone and goes “Hello Jim?” and without even waiting goes “Well, I guess not.” Why you gotta lie to us Vince? Yoko starts things off by intimidating DeVito with some sumo moves. DeVito charges Yoko and Yoko kicks him square in the mouth. Vince once again says that “Hacksaw” is on the phone, and once again we hear nothing. Meanwhile, Yoko slams DeVito down. Finally, “Hacksaw” is on the phone now. That guy is apparently too stupid to even work a phone correctly. Color me shocked. Yoko goes off the ropes and hits DeVito with a legdrop. Meanwhile, Duggan keeps mis-pronouncing Yokozuna’s name and when Vince corrects him, Duggan goes “Well, whatever you call him. It’s some Japanese name.” HAHAHAHA. Yoko slams DeVito into the corner and starts punching him. He throws him into the other corner and hits him with a butt splash. DeVito goes down. Yoko goes to the top rope and BANZAI DROP on DeVito! 1……2…….3! See ya later!

Winner: Yokozuna via Banzai Drop

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

We are back and it’s time for an interview with WWE tag team champions Money Incorporated…..

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Vince McMahon: Joining us right now ladies and gentlemen. The Tag Team Champions of the World Wrestling Federation. Irwin R. Schyster, Ted DiBiase. Here they are, Money Incorporated! All right Ted Dibiase. Irwin R. Schyster. That has to bother you. You come out here to a capacity crowd and what do you hear?

(The crowd boos)

Ted DiBiase: The only thing that bothers me McMcMahon, is an empty bank account and I’ll never have that.

Vince McMahon: Alright gentlemen. You asked for this time. What do you have to say?

TD: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But all the King’s men and all the King’s horses couldn’t put Humpty back together again. (evil laugh)

VM: Okay. And what’s that supposed to mean?

TD: It’s very simple McMahon. My partner Irwin and I were sitting back in the back and we saw Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake come out and pour out that sweet sob story. And I’ll have to admit it’s a pretty sad story. The guy loses his mother. Then he loses his father. Then he loses his wife. And if that’s not bad enough he gets his face smashed. And that’s bad. But I’m here to say that when you got your face smashed Beefcake, you knocked a screw loose. Pardon the pun. (evil laugh). Because for you to come out here after three years of never being in the ring and offer an open challenge to any wrestler in the World Wrestling Federation, you got a lot of gall. That’s like a slap in the face. So let’s cut through all the small talk and cut to the chase. You want a match? We’ll give you a match. Why don’t you start out with a champion? And you got your choice of two right, the World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions. Both of us would like to have a shot at you. So you take your pick. No,  better yet Irwin, let’s do this the democratic way because I know you want this shot to. Let’s flip a coin. And you got a coin?

(Crowd boos)

Irwin R. Schyster: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let him flip the coin.

TD: Let’s see who gets him.

IRS: Heads I win.

(DiBiase flips the coin and looks at it, but doesn’t show anyone else)

TD: I win

(Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart starts making his way down to the ring)

TD: And what it looks like Beefcake, you wanna accept the challenge, the open contract? It’s gonna be the “Million Dollar Man”.

VM: Jimmy Hart, what do you, where have you been? Why did you put them up to this?

Jimmy Hart: What do you–what are you doing? Well, you know, this is ridiculous. This is a waste of time guys. Let me tell you something. We’re the World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions. Irwin if you get in the ring with Brutus and you get hurt, it’s over baby. DiBiase, if you get in the ring with Brutus and you get hurt, it’s over for us as a tag team man.

TD: Calm down Jimmy. Calm down. This is strictly recreational. But you’re our manager–it’s a workout exactly. You think that this man or myself is gonna climb in the ring with a guy who hasn’t been in the ring for three years and you’re worried about one of us getting hurt? If anybody gets hurt Jimmy. It’s gonna be Beefcake and we know where and how to hurt him.

JH: What do you mean by that? What do you mean? Let me tell you something…..

IRS: Let me talk here. Wait a minute. First of all Beefcake, you’re breaking our hearts with that sad, sad story. But let me point something out to you Beefcake. While you’re laying on your back, all those doctor bills collect and realize that you’re not paying any taxes so that makes you no better than anyone of these stinking tax cheats right here and all over the world. And Beefcake, that’s your biggest mistake. You’re not paying your fair share.

TD: That’s right Irwin and in addition to that, the way I see it. In addition to being a tax cheat Beefcake, you’ve only got one asset left, you are destitute. You are penniless. You’ve had it bad. But the only asset he’s got left is that million dollar face. And you know we wouldn’t do anything to that. (evil laugh)

JH: But it looks like both of you guys quit clowning around. We’ve got contracts to sign. We got matches to talk about, so let’s go.

Main Event:

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“The Narcissist” Lex Luger

vs.

Some Jobber (Jason Knight)

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Lex Luger is looking at himself in the mirror and one of the RAW girls comes walking in the ring, except this isn’t your typical RAW girl. She’s overweight and not very attractive and this sets Luger off. He’s actually yelling at the ref “What is that?” Classy move here by the WWE.

Now we get a video package of Mr. Perfect throwing “perfect” passes to some NFL tight end who I don’t remember. The passes are absolutely perfect though so I’m surprised that he wasn’t signed by someone. Perfect even manages to throw the ball in the air and CATCHES IT HIMSELF DOWNFIELD FOR A TOUCHDOWN! THIS GUY SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAKING MILLIONS IN THE NFL!!!!

And we’re back as Luger is beating on Knight, who is a jobber here but would later find a little bit of fame as “The sexiest man on Earth” in ECW. Luger takes Knight down with an arm lock and poses to the crowd. Savage informs us that Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake has accepted the challenge of Ted DiBiase, so that match is on. They lock up again and Luger grabs Knight’s arm and backs him up into the corner. He whips Knight into the corner, but Knight counters and throws him into the corner instead. Knight charges Luger and Luger hits him with a boot to the kisser. A big clothesline sends Knight down. Luger picks him up and drops him on the top rope now. Luger starts posing again. He whips him into the ropes again and hits him with a big bodyslam. Luger is signaling for the end. He throws him into the ropes and a BIG FOREARM puts Knight down! Luger picks him up and hits him with another forearm. Cocky pin and Luger gets the 1……2……3! Luger isn’t done yet. He picks Knight’s head up and continuously drops it. Now he grabs his legs and starts spinning him around and throws him.

Winner: Lex Luger via forearm

And that’s it for this week. RAW won’t be on next week because of the Westminster Dog Show or as I called it when I was a little kid…..the WORST WEEK OF THE YEAR! I need to hurry up and get back to 2017 before the ugliness of this RAW affects me in ways I never knew were possible.

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