The Time Machine: WWE RAW Episode #1

I just got done reviewing all the WWE Royal Rumbles for THE Ultimate Sports Blog and I enjoyed that enough that I thought I would keep doing some other shows. So I sat down and started to think about which wrestling shows should get my attention and it was pretty fairly obvious….

It has to be WWE Monday Night RAW.

Perhaps no other show in wrestling history helped shape the wrestling business and made it what it is today. It’s one of the longest running shows on television and it’s place in history is undeniable.

Join me as I hop into the time machine and take you all the way back to 1993….

 

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The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 1

 

We are joined by Sean Mooney who is outside the Manhattan Center…..

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Mooney says it was a mob scene just a little bit ago as everyone was braving the elements, but everyone is inside now….so it’s all good. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan comes walking by. He’s trying to get into the building and Mooney & Heenan have an exchange:

Sean Mooney: Hey, what are you doing?

Bobby Heenan: I’m trying to get in there, that’s what I’m doing.

Mooney: Oh, no you’re not.

Heenan: Oh, yes, I’am.

Mooney: You were replaced.

Heenan: I was replaced? By who? Who would replace me?

Mooney: Well, Rob Bartlett. You’re not supposed to be in there.

Heenan: I don’t care about Rob Bartlett. This is Monday Night RAW live from New York City. And I’ve got to be in there to host it.

Mooney: No, no, you can’t get in.

Heenan: What do you mean, no, no?

Mooney: I’m sorry, you can’t……

Heenan: What do you mean I can’t get in? I can get in. I can buy a ticket. They don’t want me, I can buy…..

Mooney: No. There are no tickets left. It’s sold out in there. They’re jammed to the rafters.

Heenan: Well then, show me the [indistinct] so I can get through here.

Mooney: I didn’t make up the rules here. I didn’t know anything about…..

Heenan: What do you mean you didn’t make up the rules…….

We are lucky enough to be joined by Vince McMahon, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, and a guy who has no business doing this job, a comedian by the name of Rob Bartlett who was highly forgettable during this run. Why not just use Bobby “The Brain” Heenan in Bartlett’s place and have both a better announcer doing the work and save yourself some money by not bringing in a guy who absolutely sucks? I’ll just never know. Bartlett shows his stupidity right off the bat by saying he can’t wait for the match between “Koko B. Ware and YokoZUMA”.

For one, he got Yokozuna’s name wrong and two….no one should ever look forward to a match pitting Koko B. Ware vs. Yokozuna. Get Bartlett out of here. He’s drunk already. The good news for him is, that match-up is first…….

Match #1:

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Koko B. Ware

vs.

Yokozuna

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This should be nice and ugly. At this point, Koko B. Ware has been in the WWE for almost a decade and hasn’t done jack shit. He’s the pure definition of a mid-carder. He usually gets a nice pop though, so that’s why Vince keeps him around. WWE fans are easy to please. Get a bird and start dancing and they’ll cheer you. It’s a simple formula. Yokozuna comes down with Mr. Fuji. Rob Bartlett says that Yokozuna has an “ass like an amphitheater” and Vince and Savage treat that line like Bartlett just said every swear word in the book. Yokozuna does his traditional Sumo stuff while Ware pumps up the crowd. Bartlett asks Vince if WWE regulations call for “YOKOZUMA” to wear a bra. That’s ironic considering Bartlett himself is not exactly an adonis. The two lock up and Yoko just throws Koko. Fuji likes that. Some more stalling already. They lock up again and Yoko throws Koko once more. You need a new gameplan buddy. Koko goes off the ropes and hits Yoko with a shoulderblock and that gets nothing. Another try gets the same result. Koko is trying his best, but Yoko isn’t budging. A dropkick sends Yoko reeling. And another one. Koko goes to leap at Yoko and Yoko just throws him into the ropes. Koko is down. Big legdrop from Yokozuna. Bartlett asks if that move is called a “butt drop”. Holy hell this guy is awful. Yoko picks up Koko and grabs him by the throat. He slams him into the turnbuckle. Yoko runs across the ring and nails Koko with a big butt splash. Koko goes down. Yoko goes to the top rope. BANZAI DROP ON KOKO! 1….2….3….and that’s all she wrote.

Winner: Yokozuna via Banzai Drop

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

We are back and we have a ring girl walking around the ring holding a Monday Night RAW sign in case anyone forgot where they were at. Check out the hairstyle on this one……

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Welcome to 1993 everyone.

We now go to a pre-recorded video of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan discussing “The Narcissist” Lex Luger:

“Hey, Mr. Perfect. I heard you’re asking questions of the other wrestlers. Hey, who is this guy Narcissist? What do you know about him? Is he truly beyond Perfect? Is it possible for anyone to have those qualities superior to mine? Well, let me answer your questions, Mr. Perfect. Comparing you to Narcissist, would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. Now, I know horse manure has his place in this world, even perfect horse manure. But Perfect, there is only room in this world, for one human being that is truly anatomically perfect. That is physically and mentally superior beyond imagination. Why Ric Flair and I both agreed that Michelangelo could not capture on canvas the stupendous qualities of Narcissist. He could not sculpt from marble the metamorphic qualities of Narcissist. Why Narcissist is so beyond perfect, it’s like he’s from another galaxy. So Mr. Perfect when you see me unveil Narcissist at the Royal Rumble. you are going to think if you can, that Narcissist is from another World. “

If you ask me, Bobby Heenan should probably be dating this “Narcissist” guy he’s talking about.

It’s time for our second match!

Match #2:

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The Steiner Brothers

vs.

Some Jobbers (The Executioners)

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The Steiners Brothers are kind of a rare case. They are one of the few people who came over from WCW and the WWE didn’t touch a thing about them. Not a thing. Scott gets us started off. Elbow to Executioner #1 sends him down. He whips him into the ropes and gives him a tilt-a-whirl-suplex. We see Doink the Clown in the background interacting with the fans. Evil Doink was so bad ass. Easily a top 10 WWE character of all-time and I’ll fight you if you disagree with that claim. Elbow to Executioner #1. Scott picks him up and goes for the tag. Rick comes in now. We see Doink again and he blows one of those party blowers at the camera. Rick hits Executioner #1 with a big punch. He picks him up and throws him into the corner. Don’t look now but Executioner #1 turns Rick around and starts hitting him. He whips Rick into the ropes but Rick counters and just throws him into the ropes. The guy doesn’t hit the ropes either, he kind of just flops on them. Alrighty then. Rick throws him into the rope and hits him with a big clothesline. He picks him up and slams him into the corner. Executioner #1 rolls out of the ring. Executioner #2 comes over and gives him a hug and Scott just slams their heads together. He throws one of them back into the ring. Rick picks him up and bodyslams him. Vince says “LOOK AT THIS MANEVEUR” because apparently a bodyslam is too hard to remember. Rick tags Scott back in. Scott whips the Executioner into the ropes and nails him with a big belly to belly suplex. He throws him into the corner and the Executioner tags the other one in. He instantly starts getting whipped by Scott. Double underhook suplex from Scott. Scott picks up the Executioner and puts him on his shoulders. Rick is up on the top rope. Bulldog from Rick and Scott goes for the cover. 1….2…..3…..pack it up and go home. It’s over.

Winner: Steiner Brothers via bulldog off the top rope.

Vince lets us know that we have some more commotion outside and we are going back to Sean Mooney. Mooney is letting us know that a security guard has detained a woman who is trying to get inside. Mooney goes to interview the woman who is pretty upset that they aren’t letting her in the building. See for yourself….

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Personally I think they should just let her in, but what do I know? Mooney rudely grabs the woman’s hair and pulls it off and OH MY GOD IT’S BOBBY “THE BRAIN” HEENAN!!!! WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN HAD MOONEY NOT PULLED HER HAIR OFF? Anyway, Heenan needs to get inside the building for some reason. He still doesn’t get in though.

And now it’s time for an interview with none other than RAZOR RAMON……

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Vince McMahon: Razor Ramon, if we can have a word with you, we’d greatly appreciate it. You’re headed to the Royal Rumble. This is the golden opportunity you’ve been waiting for. Meeting “The Hitman” Bret Hart for the WWE Championship. Are you ready? You’re less than two weeks away.

Razor Ramon: Look at me, man. I was born ready, chico. And when you say “golden opportunity”, that’s got Razor Ramon written all over it.

VM: I see, but nonetheless, you certainly would recall that it took “The Hitman” Bret Hart eight and a half long years, climbing the ladder of success to gain the momentum he has and you’re sort of a “Johnny Come Lately”, if you’d pardon the expression.

RR: Hey, look “Hitman”. Eight and a half years, chico. You climb to the very very top. You’re the main man in the WWE. Now, say hello to Razor Ramon. Eight and a half months and I caught you. I am numero uno.

VM: All right. You’re the…..

RR: The number one contender.

VM: Yes indeed. The number one contender. And if you’re the number one contender and such a great competitor, why did you do to Owen Hart what you did? Why jump him? Why? Come on.

RR: Hey, silencio. Because he was the best wrestler around and I surely want to get in there with him. I just want to have fun like everybody else. Obviously your father was a big influence on you and on Bret. Yo, “Hitman”. Squashing your little brother like a cockroach. That was fun man. And you know what else? There’s nothing you can do about it. Not, not, chico. That you don’t wanna do nothing about it. Because you can’t do nothing about it.

VM: Thank you very much for joining us.

RR: Wait, wait, wait. And “Hitman”. you know what else you can’t do nothing about chico? You can’t do nothing about Razor Ramon taking your precious gold at the Royal Rumble.

Razor flips his toothpick at Vince McMahon and the interview is over.

Just in time for a backstage interview with Tatanka…..

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Tatanka: This is Tatanka and my people speak to the great spirit for blessings. We, at the World Wrestling Federation appreciate help for people that are less fortunate than us. Let’s get a hold on Headlock for Hunger. YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI!!!!!

Alrighty then. That was a waste of time. You know what’s not a waste of time? OUR VERY FIRST TITLE DEFENSE EVER ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!!!!!

Match #3:

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Max Moon

vs.

Shawn Michaels

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This match is for Shawn Michaels’ WWF Intercontinental title. Max Moon was an interesting character back in the day. He might’ve been a success in the WWE, had he been introduced in the late 80’s. I think at this point though….he just looked like a goof in a stupid looking space suit. I just noticed that the WWE’s biggest fan Vladimir is sitting at ringside for this show. HOW THE HELL DID THAT GUY GET THE SWEETEST SEATS TO ALL THE WRESTLING SHOWS? Lucky bastard. Michaels starts things off with an arm drag to Moon. Michaels tries to kick Moon, but he grabs his leg. He flips Michaels over his back, but Michaels lands on his feet. The two start running off the ropes, but they keep missing each other. Moon flips Michaels over now. Body slam by Moon to HBK and Michaels retreats to the corner. They lock up again and Michaels knees Moon in the stomach. Some more rope running now and Moon hits HBK with a weird-looking move that someone screwed up on. He grabs Michaels’ arm now and has him in a submission hold. He turns it into a pin, but that gets nothing.

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

We are back. Michaels grabs Moon and puts him into the corner. He whips him to the other side of the ring. Goes for a splash and Moon moves. Michaels tries it again and Moon moves again, only this time Michaels catches him and gives him a snake eyes across the top rope. Shawn starts choking Moon with his boot now while he grabs the ropes. Big dropkick puts Moon down. We go back to the audience and see Doink The Clown again. He’s still clowning around on the outside. Michaels is now checking his hair in the camera and blows a kiss to the people at home. HBK whips Moon into the ropes, but Moon counters and rolls Michaels up for a pin. That gets a two count. Michaels picks Moon up and starts punching him in the face now. He slams his head into the turnbuckle. While this is happening, Bartlett is cracking jokes on commentary that only Vince McMahon is laughing at. Michaels starts gloating into the camera again. Now he goes back over and starts slugging Moon. Michaels goes for a bodyslam, but Moon counters it into a roll-up pin which gets a two count. Michaels whips Moon into the corner and hits him with an elbow. He goes for a pin that also gets a two count. Headlock to Moon now and it’s stalling time. Moon finally gets out and starts elbowing Michaels in the mid-section. He goes off the ropes and Michaels goes for a dropkick. Moon grabs his legs though and slingshots Michaels out of the ring. Moon jumps over the top rope and acts like he’s going to land on Michaels, but Michaels moves. It was a trick because once Michaels recovers, Moon hits him with a big butt splash to the chest on the outside of the ring. He throws Michaels back into the ring. Michaels is begging for mercy. Moon kicks him and starts hammering on him. He whips Michaels into the corner and hits him with a spinning kick. A rolling sunset flip straight into a pin gets a two count. The fans are disappointed. They really want to see MAX MOON: WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! Moon slams Michaels again. He tries to flip on Michaels, but HBK moves. SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO MAX MOON! HBK picks him up, but Moon escapes. He goes for a clothesline, but HBK ducks. Shawn picks him up and gives him a suplex. 1, 2, 3……and that’s all she wrote. That was kind of a weird ending. How many matches end on a freaking regular ol’ back supl;ex? Not a lot I’m guessing…..

Winner: Shawn Michaels via back suplex

(COMMERCIAL TIME)

“Mean” Gene Okerlund is here now with the ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT brought to you by IcoPro. Okerlund has some huge news for us. Apparently Shawn Michaels will be defending his WWE Intercontinental Title against Marty Jannetty and we don’t know which corner Sensational Sherri will be in. SMELL DA RATINGS! We also get a run down of which superstars will be in the Rumble this year.

We go back out to Sean Mooney is still on the outside of the building. He’s with a bunch of fans who are still trying to get in. The show is over in ten minutes you jackasses. GO HOME! Oh, actually I guess they are trying to buy tickets for next week’s show instead. My bad. All of a sudden a guy with a huge beard comes on-screen and Mooney wants to ask him some questions. Apparently the guy’s nephew is inside and has his ticket and he needs to get in there and get it. Mooney pulls the guys beard off and it’s BOBBY “THE BRAIN” HEENAN! WHAT A CLEVER DISGUISE! Heenan insists that he needs to get inside the building to watch the show. Give it up dude.

We now go back to a clip from WWF Superstars this past weekend featuring Kamala. Kamala just beat a jobber and Kimchee and Harvey Whippleman are yelling at him. Kimchee keeps pushing Kamala and they continuously scold him. Here comes the Reverend Slick now and he gets them to back off. Kimchee punches Slick and knocks him down. Kamala goes to check on Slick. Kamala starts slapping his belly and punches Kimchee out of the ring. He goes after Whippleman, but Harvey runs his little ass off.

And now it’s MAIN EVENT TIME…..

Main Event:

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Damien Demento

vs.

The Undertaker

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Demento runs over and eye rakes The Undertaker right away. He picks him up and hits him with the DEMENTED DRIVER! 1,2,3…..IT’S ALL OVER!!!!!

Ya, right. You really think that would happen? I don’t even have any idea what Damien Demento’s finisher is. Anyway, Demento is in the ring and he’s a schizophrenic and talks to himself. He’s not even worthy of an entrance. The Undertaker is though. He gets in the ring and stares down Demento. Demento is talking to himself and Undertaker walks over and stares him down. Demento hits Undertaker with a right hook. Another right hook. Another one. And another one. Demento grabs Taker and throws him into the ropes, and Taker just slams his face into the mat. Paul Bearer is shown having an orgasm on the urn. That’s gross. Undertaker grabs Demento’s arm and heads to the top rope. OLD SCHOOL TO DEMENTO! It’s not quite old enough at this point in time to be called “OLD SCHOOL” so I guess it’s just “ARM WHACK”? Undertaker starts choking Demento in the corner. He whips Demento into the other corner and charges at him, but Demento kicks him in the face. Demento hits Taker with a shoulder block that puts him down. Undertaker no-sells it though and stands up. Demento throws him into the ropes and Undertaker ducks and hits him with a clothesline that didn’t work out as well as expected. He picks up Demento. TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! 1….2……3…..and that’s a wrap on Damien Demento’s WWE career.

Winner: The Undertaker via Tombstone Piledriver

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

We come back and Vince is now interviewing Doink The Clown:

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Vince McMahon: We’re back with Doink ladies and gentlemen. Here on Monday Night Raw and Doink likes to make children cry and not laugh and Crush has warned you about that.

Doink: He warned me about what?

VM: Making children cry.

Doink: Hey, if they don’t have a sense of humor, that’s their problem. If I laugh, that’s all that matters.

VM: So you’re not going to heed the warning of Crush then?

(Crush is now heading down to the ringside area)

Doink: Let me tell you. If he came out here right now, he would be crying to and I would be laughing.

VM: Excuse me Mr. Doink. I’d like for you to meet Crush. Pardon me Crush. Who’s laughing now?

Crush: Hey brah. Before you put your size 40 shoes in your size 20 mouth, you better look over both shoulders brah, you got that? This was just a warning brah. If I catch you touching anyone else, playing your stupid jokes that only you are laughing at, on anyone else brah, you just might be wearing a cast on both arms and both legs next time. You got that brother?

(Doink pulls out a squirt gun and squirts Crush in the face. Crush starts running after him. Crush eventually gets in the ring and wants a piece of Doink. Doink just falls down laughing though.)

We go back to the outside now where Sean Mooney is with Bobby Heenan who is still trying to get inside even though the show is over. Mooney informs Heenan that he has some great news for him. They are going to go ahead and let him in. Heenan runs in the building and that’s a wrap for the first ever MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!!

Time to return back to 2017…….

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