After this one, we have two of these left. Are you as excited as myself? Personally, I’m amazed that I got to the end of this thing, but here we are in 2014 and the WWE is starting to rely on a bunch of part-timers to help boost business again. What part-timer would return this year to win the Royal Rumble? Only one way to find out…….
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 2014
Our first two entries are;
#1 – C.M. Punk
#2 – Seth Rollins
This was C.M. Punk’s last appearance in the WWE. After tonight, Punk said “fuck it” and just left and hasn’t been back since. He went and tried his hand in MMA, but he failed miserably at it. Personally, I think Punk will be back eventually and will hot-shot his return into a WrestleMania main event appearance. It will be extremely ironic to because one of the reasons that Punk left was because all these part-timers were coming in and taking his limelight. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when it happens. Anyway, Punk gets #1 for the second time ever. Punk comes down wearing a “Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Academy” hoodie for a little bit of foreshadowing. Rollins of “The Shield” is #2. He comes out of the crowd. Punk charges Rollins and takes him into the corner. They are brawling in the corner now. Rollins picks up Punk and tries getting him out. Punk counters with some elbows though. Now Punk is hitting Rollins with some kicks. Rollins gets the advantage though and runs at Punk, but Punk kicks him in the stomach. Rollins is up and throws Punk into the corner. He charges Punk and hits him with a splash. He goes for another one, but Punk runs over and hits him with a knee. A clothesline sends Rollins down. Punk says he’s going to throw him over. Rollins hits Punk, but Punk counters with a kick to the head and they both go down. Just in time for #3……
#3 – Damien Sandow
Sandow goes right after Punk and tries throwing him out. Punk kicks him. Rollins comes over and starts pounding on Punk as well. They are now double-teaming Punk. They go to toss him out, but he’s holding on. Punk starts fighting them both off. The crowd breaks out in a “CM Punk” chant. Punk does a cool move where he grabs both guys and gives one of them a neckbreaker and the other one a DDT at the same time. Punk gets up and tries throwing Rollins out. Rollins holds on though. Sandow comes over to give Rollins a hand. Here comes #4…….
#4 – Cody Rhodes
Cody gets in and goes right after Sandow. They are trading punches. Neckbreaker to Sandow and he goes down. Rollins comes up from behind Rhodes and knocks him down. Rhodes is now pounding away on Rollins in the corner. Sandow charges at Punk and Punk manages to toss him out of the ring (elimination #1). Rollins is on the verge of elimination thanks to Rhodes. Rollins gets back in though. Punk and Rhodes are now double-teaming Rollins. Rhodes wants to throw him out. They’d better hurry because here comes #5…….
#5 – Kane
“Corporate Kane” is here and this is probably Kane at his all-time worst. Rhodes starts hammering on him, but that’s a mistake. Kane just knocks him down. He walks over and hits Punk with a hard shot as well. Kane picks up Punk and keeps kicking him in the corner. Headbutt to Punk now. Kane whips Punk into the corner and hits him with a big clothesline. Side suplex to Punk. Kane is now calling for the choke slam. Punk hits him with a big kick though! Kane is wobbly and Punk throws him over the top rope (elimination #2)! And here comes #6……
#6 – Rusev
Rusev is making his Royal Rumble debut. This is actually before he was even in the WWE technically as he was still in NXT at the time. He gets in the ring and nails Rollins with a side kick. He picks up Rollins and goes to throw him out, but Rollins hangs on. He pushes Punk down and hits Rhodes with a big kick to the face. Rusev picks Rhodes up and throws him out, but Rhodes hangs on. Rusev grabs Punk and starts hammering on him. Samoan Drop to Punk. Rusev points at Rhodes and starts beating on him again. He’s trying to eliminate Rhodes, but Rollins comes over and jumps on his shoulders. Here comes #7……
#7 – Jack Swagger
Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter are here. Zeb is holding a sign that say’s “Every 90 seconds another illegal crosses the border” so I’m guessing he’s happy that Donald Trump is in office now. Swagger runs down with that facial expression that just cracks me up. Close your mouth dude. He goes for a big splash on Rollins. Big splash to Rhodes now. Swagger and Rusev have a stare down now. IT’S WORLD WAR 3! They start squaring off. The crowd breaks out in a “USA” chant. Swagger goes off the ropes, but Rusev hits him from behind. Rusev charges Swagger in the corner now. He goes to eliminate Swagger and Rollins comes up from behind and hits Rusev. Now everyone in the ring, minus Punk, is ganging up on Rusev. Swagger grabs Rhodes and tries throwing him out. And here comes another entrant…..
#8 – Kofi Kingston
What does Kofi have up his sleeve this year? He enters and nails Punk with a big clothesline. He tries throwing Punk out. Rusev is nailing Rollins with some big shots in the corner. Punk gets back in the ring. Kofi goes over and starts hitting Rusev. Rollins comes off the top rope and hits Kofi. Punk is once again on the verge of elimination thanks to Rhodes this time. Swagger has Rollins up in the air, and he barely hangs on. He turns things around and has Swagger barely hanging on now. And here comes #9…….
#9 – Jimmy Uso
Uso gets in and hits Rollins with a sitdown buttbreaker. Now he’s teeing off on Kofi. Punk runs over and trades headbutts with Uso. Rhodes hits Uso with a dropick that puts him down. Rusev and Swagger are battling again in the corner. Uso has Rhodes up in the air and almost gets him out, but Rhodes land on the apron. And here comes #10…….
#10 – Goldust
This is Goldust’s ninth Royal Rumble. He starts hitting everyone. Bodyslam to Rollins. Rusev says “fuck you” to Goldust and hits him. Rhodes and Punk comes over and start hitting Rusev. Rollins comes over to give them a hand. Now there are four guys trying to eliminate Rusev. They get the job done and he’s going back to NXT (elimination #3). Kofi is paying attention to Rusev and Punk comes up from behind him and throws him out. Kofi lands on the ring apron though. Punk hits him again and Kofi falls right into the arms of Rusev. Rusev sets him on the barricade and starts hitting him. The refs get Rusev to back off, but Kofi is still on the barricade. He’s still alive people! Now he’s balancing on the barricade. He does an amazing jump and gets himself back into the ring! And now here comes another entrant……
#11 – Dean Ambrose
Another member of “The Shield”. Ambrose runs down and goes right after Punk. Rhodes and Goldust have Swagger up and almost over. Rollins runs over and grabs Rhodes though. Swagger sneaks back in the ring. Ambrose and Rollins are double-teaming Uso. He’s fighting for his life to stay in the ring. Ambrose goes over and starts hitting Punk now. Goldust is on the ring apron, but he gets back in the ring. Rollins is on the verge of elimination thanks to Uso and Rhodes. And here comes #12……
#12 – Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler goes right to the top rope. Dropkick to Ambrose! Now he splashes Ambrose in the corner and starts hitting him with some turnbuckle punches. Rollins comes over and pulls Ziggler off. The crowd breaks out an a “LET’S GO ZIGGLER” chant. Ambrose goes to suplex Ziggler out, but he lands on the ring apron. Goldust comes over and gives Ziggler a hand. Swagger is on the brink of elimination once again, but he pulls himself back up. Ziggler has Rollins almost out. And here comes lucky #13…….
#13 – R-Truth
YAAAAAAAAWWNNNNN. The ring is getting pretty full, so hopefully someone eliminates R-Truth rather quickly. Just saying. Truth starts swinging away with Ambrose. JBL mentions that “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan entered the Royal Rumble at #13 in 1988 and won it. There were also only 20 people in the Rumble that year you idiot. The Shield grab R-Truth and try throwing him over. He lands on the apron though. Rollins charges him, but he gets punched. Ambrose charges him and kicks Truth off the apron though (elimination #4). WAY TO GO AMBROSE! Uso is on the ring apron now and he starts headbutting The Shield. Uso goes to the top rope, but Rollins kicks him. Ambrose runs over and shoves him out (elimination #5). And now The Shield are taking over. Kofi is pounding away on Swagger and Rhodes comes over to give him a hand. Kofi almost goes out courtesy of a boot from Swagger, but he catches it. Kofi is barely hanging on once again. Kofi’s feet are hanging on to the bottom rope and they are the only thing keeping him from falling out. He takes off Swagger’s boot. Swagger runs over and Kofi hits him with the boot in the head and Kofi pulls himself back up. Here comes another entrant……
#14 – Kevin Nash
KEVIN NASH IS HERE! HE’S NOT DIESEL ANYMORE, BUT HE’S STILL KEVIN NASH!!! He actually looks younger than he did as Diesel a few years ago. Those doctors work wonders sometimes. He goes right after Swagger and clotheslines him out of the ring (elimination #6)! The Shield are up and they are now confronting Nash. Nash fights them both off. Big boot to Rhodes from Nash. Nash goes back to fighting The Shield. Punk almost gets Ziggler out, but Ziggler hangs on. Nash picks up Ambrose and has him on the verge of elimination. Here comes the halfway point……
#15 – Roman Reigns
And now we have three members of The Shield in this thing. Reigns runs down and hits Ziggler with an awesome looking dropkick to the head. Clothesline to Rhodes. Clothesline to Goldust. SPEAR TO RHODES! Reigns is HYPED! Nash grabs Reigns, but Reigns throws him off. Kofi jumps into the arms of Reigns and he gets thrown out like a bag of garbage (elimination #7). Ziggler runs over and hits Reigns with a DDT. Reigns gets up and shoves Ziggler off. SPEAR TO ZIGGLER! Reigns picks up Dolph and throws him out (elimination #8). The crowd didn’t like that one bit. Nash charges Reigns now and Reigns ducks and he’s goes flying over (elimination #9). Rhodes sneaks up behind Reigns and tries throwing him out along with the help of his brother Goldust. Rollins comes over to help Reigns though. And here comes another entrant…..
#16 – The Great Khali
Yep. This guy is still here. The Shield notice The Great Khali and they team up to go after him. Chop to Rollins. Chop to Reigns. Ambrose gets thrown into the corner and chopped. Reigns nails Khali with the SUPERMAN PUNCH and he goes into the ropes. The Shield all run over and eliminate Khali (elimination #10). Well, at least he wasn’t in it for too long this year. Rhodes and Goldust run up and start attacking The Shield. Rhodes charges Ambrose and Ambrose ducks and Rhodes goes flying out. He manages to land on the ring apron though. Goldust comes running at Ambrose, but Ambrose moves and Goldust runs into Cody knocking him off (elimination #11). Reigns meanwhile grabs Goldust and tosses him over (elimination #12). It’s now The Shield vs. C.M. Punk. Things are about to get hairy. They go after Punk and the beatdown is on. Here comes some potential help for Punk…..
#17 – Sheamus
Sheamus is here and he means business. He runs down and The Shield attack him. Sheamus manages to fight them off. He throws Reigns into the corner. Ambrose gets speared into the corner. Headbutt to Rollins. Now he grabs Ambrose and starts giving him his patented chest chops. Rollins runs at him and gets an Irish Curse Backbreaker. BROGUE KICK TO REIGNS! SHEAMUS IS JACKED UP!!! He goes to pick up Reigns, but the other two Shield members jump on him. And here comes #18…….
#18 – The Miz
Miz sprints down. He goes right after Rollins. He grabs Ambrose and throws him out, but Ambrose lands on the ring apron. Sheamus grabs Rollins and throws him out, but he lands on the ring apron as well. Reigns comes up behind Miz and attacks him. Ambrose is up and working on Miz now. He goes over to give Rollins a hand with Sheamus now. Reigns is up and on the verge of elimination thanks to Miz. Sheamus is up and trading blows with both Ambrose and Rollins. C.M. Punk has been curled up in the corner for god knows how long now. I’m almost forgot he was even in the match to be honest with you. Ambrose and Rollins have Sheamus on the top rope. Here comes #19…….
#19 – Fandango
Perhaps the worst character in WWE history. This guy is atrocious. Hopefully he doesn’t last long. He nails Miz in the mid-section. He tries to throw him out, but Miz holds on. Miz sneaks back in and almost throws Fandango out, but he sneaks back in. Sheamus comes over and tries getting Miz out now. Ambrose comes up behind Sheamus and tries getting him out. It’s a train of sorts. Reigns is now pounding away on Miz in the corner. He walks over to give Ambrose a hand with Sheamus. Fandango once again has the Miz on the verge of elimination. And here comes another entrant……
#20 – El Torito
Alrighty then. Apparently El Torito is in the Royal Rumble and he’s a dwarf in a bull costume. He goes off the top rope and hits Rollins with a flying headscissors. Springboard shoulder to Miz now. Punk is finally up and he’s having a stare down with El Torito. He’s not amused. Torito is preparing to charge Punk. He runs at Punk, but Punk grabs him. Punk picks him up by the mask, but El Torito hits him with a flying headscissors. Fandango finally ends Torito’s run and hits nails him. He picks Torito up and presses him over his head, but Torito counters it into a hurracanrana that sends Fandago flying out of the ring. He lands on the ring apron. Torito goes to the top rope and dropkicks Fandago out for good (elimination #13). Torito jumps into the arms of Reigns who picks him up over his head and throws him out (elimination #14). That was fun while it lasted. Here comes #21……
#21 – Antonio Cesaro
Cesaro comes out with Zeb Colter who now has an even more racist sign that says “You could time it yourself, but they stole your watch!”. Who the fuck wears a watch these days anyway? Everyone has a clock on their cell phone. They aren’t needed anymore. Anyway, Cesaro runs down and tackles the Miz. It’s time for a CESARO SWING! The crowd is digging it, but Punk ends it. Now Punk is going for s ride in the CESARO SWING! Ambrose and Rollins end that one though. Cesaro slams the two Shield members into each other. He picks up Rollins. CESARO SWING TO ROLLINS! Rollins goes around over thirty times, no joke. I don’t know how they aren’t throwing up. Here comes #22 and I’m dizzy as shit just watching that…….
#22 – Luke Harper
Harper of the “Wyatt Family” heads down. SPEAR TO CESARO FROM REIGNS! Harper goes right after Reigns. Punk and Harper start trading blows. Sheamus goes to lift Ambrose over and Ambrose almost pulls Sheamus over as well. Cesaro lifts Miz over, but he’s hanging on for the moment. Cesaro hits Ambrose with a European Uppercut. Right hand from Reigns knocks Punk down. And here comes #23…….
#23 – Jey Uso
The second Uso brother is here. He goes right after Cesaro. He gets Cesaro up on the corner and almost gets him out. Roman Reigns is on the verge of elimination thanks to Sheamus but the other two Shield members run over for the assist. Harper is choking Punk with his boot. He goes over and nails Cesaro with an uppercut. Cesaro gives him one back but Harper comes back at him with a big boot. Harper goes to throw Cesaro out by his neck. And here comes #24…..
#24 – JBL
JBL is doing commentary at ringside and he’s in the Rumble. He’s going in full suit. He doesn’t care. Michael Cole says it’s JBL’s debut in the Royal Rumble match, which is true if you don’t count his other characters. JBL takes off his coat at least and tells Michael Cole to come get it. He turns around to hand the coat to Cole and Roman Reigns comes over and dumps him (elimination #15). Solid Royal Rumble “debut” for JBL. The fans give JBL a “You Still Got It” chant even though he didn’t do a single move on offense. HAHAHA. And here comes #25…….
#25 – Erick Rowan
Rowan of the “Wyatt Family” comes down now. He goes right after Miz who is attacking Harper. Rowan gets Miz on the ring apron, but Miz sneaks back in under Rowan’s legs. Rowan grabs Miz by the throat. Rowan lifts Miz over the top rope, but Miz lands on the ring apron. Harper comes from out of nowhere and finally knocks Miz off with a clothesline (elimination #16). The Wyatt Family now turn their attention to Uso. Rowan is pounding away on Uso in the corner. Rollins and Ambrose are pounding away on Sheamus. Harper and Rowan aren’t playing around tonight and they toss Uso now (elimination #17). Just in time for #26……
#26 – Ryback
The Wyatt Family and The Shield have a stare down in the middle of the ring. The fight is on! Ryback enters the ring and just picks up Cesaro and starts slamming shoulders into his mid-section. Cesaro almost goes out, but gets back in. Sheamus is trying to eliminate Rollins and Ryback comes over and tries tossing the both of them. Cesaro hits Sheamus with a kick to the mid-section and they start exchanging blows in the middle of the ring. Punk has Rollins up on the top turnbuckle and he’s hanging on for dear life. And here comes #27……
#27 – Alberto Del Rio
ADR enters the ring and kicks Ryback in the head. He grabs Ambrose and starts punching him in the face. Rollins has Punk on the verge of elimination now. Cesaro slingshots Reigns into the ropes and he almost goes out. Rowan starts beating on Reigns now. Cesaro slams Rollins. Here comes #28…….
#28 – Batista
BATISTA IS BACK! He won the 2005 Royal Rumble and he’s making his long-awaited return to the WWE! Clothesline to Ambrose! Clothesline to Punk! Clothesline to Cesaro! Clothesline to Ambrose again! Batista is looking around for people to hit. He grabs Rowan and starts hitting him with some knees. A clothesline sends Rowan out for good (elimination #18)! Ryback now wants him a piece of Batista. Ryback is talking a lot and Batista starts punching him in the face. Ryback grabs him and throws him into the corner. Ryback charges Batista and Batista backdrops him out of the ring (elimination #19)! ADR makes himself useful and kicks Batista in the knee. A kick to the face puts Batista down. ADR is pumped! He picks up Batista and goes for an armbar, but Batista just lifts him up with one arm and throws him out of the ring (elimination #20). #29 is headed to the ring now…..
#29 – Big E. Langston
Langston goes right after Batista and hits him with a belly to belly suplex. Sheamus starts punching Big E. now. Langston picks up Sheamus and goes to throw him over, but Sheamus is holding on. Langston starts punching Sheamus now. Punk and Rollins are working together and trying to eliminate Batista. The fans break out an a “YES” chant because they are expecting Daniel Bryan to be #30. I bet they’re going to be highly disappointed. We are about to find out…….
#30 – Rey Mysterio Jr.
Mysterio comes out and the crowd couldn’t care less. They are actually booing him. He hits Rollins with a flying headscissors, but that gets no positive reaction. Rollins picks him up and goes to throw him out, but Mysterio manages to pull Rollins out as well. Rollins pulls himself up and escapes elimination. Mysterio goes up to the top rope and lands on Punk with a sit down splash. He goes off the ropes now and Punk kicks him in the balls. Now the fans are chanting for “Daniel Bryan”. Punk lifts Mysterio up and Mysterio goes to hurracanrana him out of the ring, but they both manage to get back in. The fans are STILL booing. Sheamus and Big E. are squaring off in the middle of the ring. Langston picks up Sheamus, but Sheamus counters and throws him into the ropes. Big E. goes out, but lands on the apron. A clothesline from Sheamus ends his night (elimination #21). Cesaro hits Harper with a big uppercut that sends him into the ropes. Harper pays him back. Now Cesaro is hitting everyone with some uppercuts. Big boot to the face of Harper. Rollins sends Rey into the ropes and Rey counters. The fans are still booing everything Rey does. 619 TO ROLLINS AND THE FANS BOO THE HELL OUT OF IT! Mysterio charges Rollins and Rollins backdrops him out. He lands on the apron but a kick to the head from Rollins sends him flying out (elimination #22). That’s the first cheers Mysterio has heard all night. The WWE set him up for failure tonight. The fans are once again chanting for “Daniel Bryan”. Reigns manages to eliminate Harper (elimination #23) and shoots him a smile. Ambrose walks up behind Reigns and tries throwing him out! Rollins runs over to confront Ambrose! Cesaro grabs both Rollins and Ambrose and tries throwing them out. They start beating on Cesaro. Reigns is back up now and he manages to throw Rollins, Ambrose, and Cesaro (eliminations #24, #25, & #26)! AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!!
The Final Four:
Who wants it??????
Reigns is yelling at Ambrose for trying to eliminate him. I smell trouble on the horizon for The Shield. Batista is waiting for Reigns to turn around. SPINEBUSTER TO REIGNS FROM BATISTA! BROGUE KICK TO BATISTA! GTS TO SHEAMUS! Everyone is down but Punk! Reigns tries to spear Punk, but Punk kicks him in the face. Punk lifts him up! GTS TO REIGNS! Kane is back though! Kane grabs Punk and pulls him out of the ring (elimination #27) and that’s the last we’ll ever see of him in the WWE! No wonder he left. All that work and freaking CORPORATE KANE eliminates him. Kane continues to beat on Punk on the outside of the ring because Kane needs the push. Kane gives Punk a chokeslam through the announcer’s table and that’s a fitting way for Punk to leave the WWE. Go out in a blaze of glory. I can’t tell for sure, but it sounds like the fans are chanting “THAT’S RETARDED” now. If so, they would be right. Reigns has eliminated 11 people in this Rumble which ties a record with Kane. Can he eliminate anymore? Big clothesline to Reigns from Sheamus. Sheamus and Batista are trading blows now. Batista whips Sheamus into the corner and hits him with a clothesline. He picks up Reigns and slams him down. Sheamus boots Batista into the corner. Sheamus picks him up and hits him with a rolling samoan drop. The crowd is chanting “NO” now. They are relentless tonight. Sheamus stands up and he gets booed. He points at the WrestleMania sign and starts thumping his chest. Everytime he hits his chest the fans chant “NO”. HAHAHA. He goes for the Brogue Kick on Batista, but Batista moves. Sheamus goes for a clothesline, but Batista ducks. Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, but Sheamus throws him into the ropes. Sheamus charges Batista and Batista flips him out. He manages to land on the apron though. Reigns runs over though and knocks him off and Sheamus is gone (elimination #28). It’s now Reigns vs. Batista….the WWE Universe’s DREAM! Batista immediately tries to dump Reigns, but Reigns gets back in. Reigns goes to the corner. He’s just staring at Batista. Reigns is talking to him as the two go face-to-face. And it’s on. Batista gets the upper hand and whips him into the corner. Reigns comes running back and hits Batista though and knocks him down. Reigns is HYPED! He’s calling for the Superman Punch. The fans actually break out in a “Roman Reigns” chant! Is that the last time that’s ever happened? He goes for the Superman Punch. SPEAR TO REIGNS THOUGH! The fans are booing again! Batista is HYPED NOW! SPEAR TO BATISTA AND THE CROWD EXPLODES!!! Reigns is JACKED AGAIN! He picks up Batista and goes to throw him out, but Batista counters and tosses him out instead (elimination #29). BATISTA WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE AND THE FANS COULDN’T BE ANYMORE PISSED!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!
This was a pretty solid Royal Rumble overall. Regardless of the winner and the outcome, it was still a good entertaining hour of television. It could have went down as one of the best Royal Rumbles in history had the creative team actually had Daniel Bryan come out as #30 and win the damn thing instead of the predictable Batista, but it is what it is. I still recommend this one.
Royal Rumble Review Grade: ***