WWE Royal Rumble Review – 2003

2003. The big “wrestling boom” is a thing of the past and the WWE is starting to experience a decline in popularity once again. However, at this point in the storylines….it’s Brock Lesnar’s world and we are all just living in it.

LET’S DO THIS!

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Royal Rumble 2003

Our first two entries are;

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#1 – Shawn Michaels

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#2 – Chris Jericho

Shawn Michaels is back after about a 7-year absence from the Royal Rumble! Jericho and HBK would face each other months later in a match at WrestleMania 19. That match might be the best match I’ve ever seen in person. This is coming from a guy who saw Booker T vs. Buff Bagwell in a main event on RAW in person, so that’s a huge compliment. Shawn Michaels comes down looking older than I’m used to seeing him because I’ve been watching all these old Rumbles. Jericho’s music hits, but Jericho doesn’t come down….it’s his tag team partner Christian instead. Michaels looks confused and Jericho sneaks up from behind him and hits him with a nut shot. Jericho is now working over HBK. Jericho has HBK on the ground and is pounding his face in. Jericho goes to the outside and he’s getting a chair. CHAIR SHOT TO MICHAELS! The ref comes in and tells Jericho to stop. Oh, quit ruining the fun. Michaels is now bloodied. And here comes #3……

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#3 – Chris Nowinski

Nowinski runs down, but he’s a genius so he’s not in a hurry to get in the ring. Jericho continues to beat on Michaels in the meantime. Michaels is selling like a champ. Jericho goes to throw Michaels out and he’s gone (elimination #1). Jericho just beat his ass. Jericho is now calling for Nowinski. And here comes #4……

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#4 – Rey Mysterio Jr.

WHO’S THAT JUMPING OUT THE SKY? Rey runs down and hits Jericho with a crazy dropkick immediately. A head scissor takedown from Mysterio. Face buster to Jericho now. Jericho finally counters Rey and hits Rey with a knee. Jericho picks him up and goes to throw him but Mysterio counters. Jericho gets the advantage again and tries throwing Rey out again. Rey almost goes out, but he hangs on. Rey then hits Jericho with a springboard dropkick. Nowinski finally gets in the ring and it’s a two-on-one on Rey now. Here comes #5 though……

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#5 – Edge

Edge runs down and the heels are waiting for him. Edge goes off the rope and SPEAR TO EDGE! SPEAR TO NOWINSKI! REY IS ON THE TOP ROPE! HURRACANRANA TO JERICHO! Rey and Edge throw Jericho into the corner post now. Edge and Rey have a stare down and start kicking each other. Edge goes for a spear but Rey moves!  Edge is on the ropes now and Rey goes for the 619 but Edge moves! Edge picks Rey up now and has him on the top rope. Rey does a hurrancanrana and throws Edge out, but Edge hangs on to Rey’s leg AND STAYS IN THE RING! WOW! Rey goes off the ropes, but Edge counters with a sit down power bomb and now they are both out. Just in time for #6…….

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#6 – Christian

Guess who Christian is going after? Yep. He goes right after Edge, but gives him a hug? He wants to team up and go after Rey. Christian goes after Rey, but Rey moves. EDGE SPEARS CHRISTIAN! Edge is now beating on Christian. Rey gets on Edge’s shoulders for a little double-team move but Nowinski runs back in the ring and THROWS THEM OUT! WAIT! NO! THEY STAY IN THE RING! Nowinski thinks that they’ve been eliminated though. Edge and Rey go to the top rope now. It’s a double dropkick that goes horribly wrong. Rey hits Nowinski way too early and puts him on the mat just in time for Edge to LAND on Nowinski’s head! OUCH! I’m pretty sure this is the move that gave Nowinski a major concussion and ended his wrestling career. Nowinski is in a lot of pain obviously. Rey continues beating on him. Nowinski goes into the corner and Rey hits him with the Bronco Buster! And here comes #7…….

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#7 – Chavo Guerrero

Chavo goes right after Rey. Chavo ends up in the ropes already and Rey hits him with the 619! Edge sets Christian up in the ropes on the other side of the ring! 619 TO CHRISTIAN! Nowinski finally stands up but he’s obviously out of it. Rey goes to the top again and lands on Nowinski’s shoulders. Rey starts punching him and Nowinski goes to drop him but he ends up getting eliminated (elimination #2). Nowinski is still holding his head as he goes out. Thankfully he’s out of the ring now. Knowing what we know now, it was getting hard to watch. Rey goes to get back in the ring but Chris Jericho just goes ahead and ends his night (elimination #3)! Chavo is beating on Edge in the corner. Jericho comes over and starts beating on Chavo. Here comes another entrant…..

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#8 – Tajiri

Tajiri gets NO reaction from the crowd. He starts kicking everybody in the ring though. He whips Christian into the ropes and hits him with a spinning heel kick. Chavo goes over to get him some of Tajiri. Tajiri gets Chavo in a modified airplane spin though. Christian is now trying to get Tajiri out. Tajiri rewards him with a kick to the face. Jericho and Chavo are double-teaming Edge over in the corner. Here comes #9…….

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#9 – Bill DeMott

Bill DeMott is here and he’s angry of course. GET A SENSE OF HUMOR BUDDY! He starts hitting anyone within reach. He whips Chavo into the corner and hits him with a big splash. Tajiri has Edge on the brink of elimination. DeMott and Jericho start trading blows. Christian is now choking Chavo in the corner. DeMott starts working on Edge now and he’s choking him with the ropes. Jericho is chopping Tajiri while the crowd “wooooo”s. And #10 is now headed down…..

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#10 – Tommy Dreamer

Dreamer comes down and he has a garbage can full of weapons. He throws it in the ring. He has a kendo stick and nails DeMott with it. Then he hits Chavo. Then he hits Christian. Then he hits Jericho. Then he hits Tajiri. He hits DeMott again. Now Edge has a kendo stick and Dreamer and Edge just go back-and-forth on DeMott with the sticks. That sends him flying over (elimination #4). Dreamer celebrates, but Jericho and Christian both have garbage can lids and smack Dreamer with them at the same time. Christian continues to beat on Dreamer. They finally pick Dreamer up and just throw him out (elimination #5). Chavo and Christian start working on Tajiri and throw him into the ropes, but he counters with a springboard elbow. Jericho makes him pay for that. Jericho whips Tajiri into the ropes, but Tajiri moves when Jericho comes running in. Tajiri is going for the Tarantula, but Jericho isn’t having it and just pushes him out (elimination #6). And here comes another entrant…..

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#11 – B-Squared

This is when Bull Buchanan was homies with John Cena and went by “B-Squared”. He comes in and starts hitting everyone. Not usually the best strategy if you’re looking to win. He’s signaling for Edge to get up and just charges him. Edge moves though and throws him out (elimination #7). What a waste of an entry. Chavo is up now and he’s beating on Edge. Edge goes to throw him out, but Chavo manages to hang on. SPEAR TO CHAVO KNOCKS GUERRERO OFF THE RING APRON THOUGH (elimination #8)!!! Jericho charges Edge now, but Edge moves again and throws Jericho out! Jericho hangs on though! Christian and Edge are now exchanging punches. They end up on the ropes together. Jericho finally pulls himself back into the ring and runs over and eliminates BOTH Edge & Christian (eliminations #9 & 10)!!! Jericho is now all by himself. He’s exhausted though and bleeding profusely. And here comes #12……

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#12 – Rob Van Dam

RVD runs down and Jericho had better be ready. RVD starts squaring off on Jericho. Savate kick to Jericho! RVD now has him in the corner! He whips Jericho to the other corner, but Jericho counters. Jericho runs in, but RVD hits him with an elbow. Springboard dropkick by RVD. ROLLING THUNDER FROM RVD NOW! RVD kicks Jericho in the face. Eye rake from Jericho though. Jericho starts chopping RVD now. Jericho whips RVD into the ropes, but RVD ends up catching him. RVD catapults him into the ropes and JERICHO GOES OUT! NEVERMIND! ONCE AGAIN HE’S HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE! Jericho sneaks back in just in time for lucky #13……

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#13 – Matt Hardy V1

Matt Hardy V1 is here and this is PEAK Matt Hardy folks. Good lord this was a fun gimmick. Hardy goes right after RVD and gets advantage over him right away. Hardy is now holding RVD while Jericho dropkicks him. RVD goes down as Hardy continues to beat on him. Jericho comes over and it’s a two-on-one situation. Hardy whips Jericho into RVD, but RVD moves! RVD knocks Hardy down! Roundhouse kick to Jericho! Kick to Hardy! Bull dog to RVD from Jericho though! Jericho goes for a Lion Sault, but RVD moves. RVD is now on the top rope! FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH TO JERICHO! Hardy comes over and tries throwing RVD out though. RVD stays in. And here comes another entrant…..

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#14 – Eddie Guerrero

YESSSSSS!!!!! I LOVE EDDIE GUERRERO!!! “Latino Heat” comes out and right after Matt Hardy. Then he starts beating on RVD. Hardy and Guerrero start exchanging blows again. RVD whips Guerrero into the corner. He throws Eddie Guerrero halfway across the ring. He has Eddie in the corner now. He goes for the elimination, but Hardy comes over for the save. Hardy picks RVD up as Eddie goes to the top. FROG SPLASH TO RVD! A taste of his own medicine if you will. Eddie gets up just in time to catch a TWIST OF FATE from Hardy! Hardy is now posing for the crowd. And here comes #15……

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#15 – Jeff Hardy

Matt is still posing in the ring and now we get his half-painted brother to “bless” us with his appearance. Jeff runs down and the fight between the Hardy Boyz is ON! Nevermind. Matt tries talking to Jeff now. Matt’s telling him he loves Jeff and that they’re brothers and they shouldn’t be fighting. Matt goes to shake his hand, but Jeff starts kicking him in the gut. Clothesline to Matt Hardy! Now a jawbreaker to Matt! Jeff picks Matt up and goes to toss him out! Matt barely hangs on though and his little buddy Shannon Moore is on the outside of the ring making sure he stays in by using his feet to prop Matt up. Jeff is still kicking Matt though. Matt gets back in and Jeff hits Matt with the TWIST OF FATE! Jeff goes to the top rope now! Shannon Moore hops in the ring though and begs Jeff not to do it. He goes ahead and just lays down over Matt. SWANTON BOMB TO MOORE AND HARDY! Jeff gets up and gets a dropkick from Eddie. Here comes #16……

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#16 – Rosie

Rosie from Three Minute Warning comes out and I can count on zero fingers how many people cared at this point. Eddie has Jericho on the verge of elimination. Rosie gets in and goes right after RVD. Jeff has Matt on the verge of elimination as well. Rosie throws RVD into the corner, but he eats a boot. RVD does some cool flipping and then catches a boot from Rosie. Jeff almost suplexes Matt out of the ring, but Matt manages to stay in. Jericho and Rosie and now trading blows in the corner. Eddie goes over and starts working on Matt. And here comes another entrant…..

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#17 – Test

Test is here with Stacy Keibler who remains one of the most underrated WWE divas of all-time. Test enters the ring and clotheslines Jericho. He hip drops Eddie. He gives Matt a pump-handle slam. He throws Jericho into the corner and Jericho lands on the top rope. Test goes to knock him out, but Jericho hangs on. Test decides to go over and start choking on Matt now. Here comes #18……

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#18 – John Cena

OHHHH YESSSSS!!!! We get the “rapping” John Cena who has a special Royal Rumble rap for us all. Cena spends almost his entire time rapping before he even gets in the ring. He hits us with a “word life” and RVD has had enough. He grabs Cena and throws him into the ring. Jericho welcomes Cena with some vicious punches. And here comes #19……

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#19 – Charlie Haas

Charlie Haas of Team Angle comes sprinting down. He goes right after Matt Hardy. Cena and Eddie are now trading blows. RVD and Jeff are working on Jericho in the corner. Rosie and Haas are punching each other’s faces. Haas is now going for the elimination on Rosie. Some people need to start going out as the ring is getting too congested. And just like that, Jeff Hardy gets cocky and goes up to the top rope. His prize? RVD comes over and shoves him off and he’s eliminated (elimination #11). Jericho and Eddie start putting on a wrestling clinic for everyone. Just in time for #20…..

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#20 – Rikishi

Jim Ross mentions that Rikishi has been in more Royal Rumbles than any other athlete in WWE history. Between his time as Rikishi, Sultan, & Fatu….I’m actually going to say that’s probably a true stat. Rikishi goes right after Cena and takes him down. He’s now kicking anyone who gets near him. Now he’s going face-to-face with Rosie who he’s apparently related to somehow. Shannon Moore is back in the ring now and he’s once again acting like a bodyguard for Matt. Matt’s in the corner while Rosie and Rikishi are getting ready to splash him, but Moore hops in Matt’s way and helps take some of the bullet. They both end up on the ground now. Rosie ends up hitting Rikishi and knocking him down. Cena is now pounding on Rikishi . Here comes #21……

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#21 – Jamal

Jamal from Three Minute Warning comes out and I gotta say, he’s way cooler years later as Umaga. Jamal gets in the ring and kicks his relative Rikishi right in the kisser. He’s begging Rikishi to get up and Rikishi just kicks him in the face. Now he splashes him. Jamal hits the ground and STINK FACE TO JAMAL!!!! Jamal eventually gets the advantage though and starts kicking Rikishi. Now he’s choking him. Rosie comes over to give his tag team partner a hand. Jericho almost manages to get RVD out, but he stays in. And here comes #22……

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#22 – Kane

Jim Ross says BUSINESS HAS PICKED UP, so that means BUSINESS HAS PICKED UP! I bet some bitches are getting tossed now. Cena welcomes Kane and gets punched. Kane is now punching anyone within reach. Big boot to Test! Hip drop to Jericho! He grabs Rico by the throat and Rico isn’t even in this match. CHOKESLAM TO RICO! Rosie comes up from behind Kane and hits him with a clothesline. Kane no-sells that though. Backdrop to Rosie and he’s going back to the showers (elimination #12). Kane grabs Matt by the throat now. Shannon Moore jumps back in the ring and Kane grabs him by the throat as well! DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! Kane throws Jericho into the corner and he almost goes out….but he BARELY STAYS IN! Someone else is on their way down now……

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#23 – Shelton Benjamin

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could tell you how I feel about Shelton Benjamin. but it would take me forever. Let’s just say I have a little bit of a man crush on this guy. Benjamin gets in the ring and automatically hits a double-team move onto John Cena. Benajmin continues working on Cena. Benjamin starts punching Matt now. Eddie is currently riding the back of Rikishi trying to put him to sleep. Matt Hardy almost goes out courtesy of Shelton, but he stays in. Kane starts beating on Shelton now. Haas has Cena on the verge of elimination. Jericho and Hardy are trading punches. Here comes #24…….

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#24 – Booker T

Maybe Booker will last longer than last year? We’ll see. Kane tries to chokeslam Booker once he enters the ring, but Booker counters. He hits Kane with a scissor kick! Booker looked like he was going for the SPINAROONI, but Matt Hardy comes over to end it. Booker now drops Hardy on his face. SPINAROONI TIME!!!!!! You know who doesn’t like SPINAROONI’S? Eddie Guerrero apparently because he runs over to get him some of Booker, but Booker just flips him out of the ring (elimination #13). Booker starts squaring off with Rikishi now. Matt Hardy goes to dump RVD, but he’s holding on. Booker is now choking Rikishi in the corner. Kane is holding Shelton while Jericho hits him. And now #25 is headed down……

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#25 – A-Train

It seems like every time we see A-Train he’s got a new gimmick. You can put lipstick on a pig all you want Vince, but it’s still a pig. A-Train goes right after Cena and hits him with the A-Train bomb. Backbreaker to Shelton now. A-Train picks up RVD and chokeslams him. Rikishi finally ends it by kicking A-Train. Rikishi picks Jericho up and tries throwing him out. Jericho holds on though of course. The ring is REALLY full right now! SHAWN MICHAELS IS BACK THOUGH! SHAWN STARTS PUNCHING JERICHO! SHAWN IS HITTING HARDY NOW! NOW HE KNOCKS DOWN CENA! Jericho comes over and knocks HBK down. TEST GRABS JERICHO AND THROWS HIM OUT (elimination #14)! Shawn leaps over the top rope and starts beating on Jericho! The refs eventually break it up. Just in time for #26……

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#26 – Maven

Maven is here and he gets no reaction. He goes right after Cena. Now he’s trading blows with Kane. Stupid move young man. Kane throws him into the corner. Now Kane is mauling him. THAT’S FOR HIS BROTHER! Kane picks Maven up and tries throwing him out. There’s just entirely too many people in the ring right now to focus on anything in particular. Let’s add another one to this mix……

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#27 – Goldust

Well, Goldust isn’t going to clear the ring, that’s for sure. He goes right after Shelton. Now he’s going after Haas. What the hell did Team Angle do to you? A slam to Shelton now. Goldust goes over and sets Maven up for the Shattered Dreams. Yep. Goodbye Maven’s balls. Goldust whips Haas into the ropes, but Haas reverses it. Goldust hits the ropes where Shelton is waiting on the ring apron. Goldust and Shelton start squaring off. Haas comes up from behind Goldust and eliminates him (elimination #15). DON’T MESS WITH TEAM ANGLE! Team Angle should honestly just team up and eliminate all these guys. They start going to work on Booker T now and THEY ELIMINATE HIM (elimination #16)!!! YES!!! DO IT GUYS!!!! Here comes #28…….

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#28 – Batista

Ruh roh Raggy. Batista is making his Royal Rumble debut and this match was built for a guy like him. He’s jacked up and immediately clotheslines Cena. He actually clotheslines anyone who comes near him. Batista and Test start throwing punches. Test takes Batista down. He goes to throw the big man out, but Batista hangs on. Test rushes over to finish the job, but Batista pulls the rope down and Test is out (elimination #17). Rikishi comes over and gets a spinebuster from Batista. Shoulder tackle to Shelton from Batista now. Batista gets up and just throws Rikishi out now (elimination #18). Now Batista starts choking Shelton with his boot. And here comes another entrant…..

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#29 – Brock Lesnar

SORRY JIM ROSS! BUT NOW BUSINESS HAS OFFICIALLY PICKED UP! Brock hits the ring and starts beating on everyone. Clothesline to Shelton! Clothesline to Matt! Now he starts beating on Charlie Haas in the corner. Clothesline to Maven! Lesnar starts beating on Cena, but Team Angle come over to try to eliminate Lesnar. Lesnar grabs both members of Team Angle AND THROWS THEM OUT (eliminations #19 & 20). OH COME ON GUYS! YOU HAD THIS SUCKER IN THE BAG! Hardy comes up from behind Brock now. Brock picks him up AND F-5’S HIM OUTSIDE OF THE RING (elimination #21). Where was Shannon Moore that time?!?!?! A-Train and Batista start working on Brock now. A-Train turns around and scissor kicks Batista in the face. Here comes #30 and of course it’s……

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#30 – The Undertaker

My word. There is A LOT of big dudes in this thing right now. Undertaker is here at #30 and he might be the scariest of them all. Taker gets in the ring and goes right after Cena. What am I talking about? He’s punching everyone in this damn thing. A clothesline sends John Cena back to the locker room (elimination #22). Another clothesline ends Jamal’s night (elimination #23). MAVEN DROPKICKS UNDERTAKER FROM BEHIND THOUGH! Undertaker doesn’t go out! Maven thinks Undertaker is out and he’s celebrating while Undertaker is waiting behind him. In a funny moment, Kane is watching this whole thing unfold and he’s just shaking his head as Maven celebrates. HAHAHA! Maven turns around and CHOKESLAM TO MAVEN! Undertaker wastes no time and picks Maven up and throws him out (elimination #24). A-Train picks up a waiting Undertaker though and hits him with the A-Train Bomb. Lesnar is squaring off with Kane in the corner. Lesnar misses a clothesline. CHOKESLAM TO LESNAR FROM KANE! A-Train whips RVD into the corner, but RVD moves. Kick to A-Train knocks him down! A-Train is back up though and clotheslines Kane! Clothesline to RVD now! A-Train picks Kane up. RVD hits A-Train with a spinning heel kick that sends him reeling to the ropes! Kane and RVD hit A-Train with a double-clothesline that ends his night (elimination #25)! Kane and RVD now start working on Batista. Kane lifts RVD up for a tag team move. Kane changes his mind though and tosses his tag team partner out of the ring (elimination #26)! And we are down to the FINAL FOUR!!!!

The Final Four:

Kane

The Undertaker

Brock Lesnar

Batista

Who wants it?????

Is this the biggest FINAL FOUR in Royal Rumble history? I’m going to go with “yes”. Batista starts working on Kane. Batista throws Kane into the ropes and they hit each other with a clothesline and they both go down. Undertaker and Lesnar are now having a stare down. Taker wants to throw fists. That’s a wise move because we all know that’s Lesnar’s weakness. The fight doesn’t happen though as Batista hits Undertaker and Kane hits Lesnar. Batista whips Undertaker into the ropes but Taker counters with a clothesline! Taker is now pounding on Batista! Kane is pounding on Lesnar in the corner! Batista hits Undertaker with a spinebuster! Batista goes over to give Kane a hand against Lesnar now. Lesnar is fighting back! Clothesline to Kane! Belly to belly to Batista! Lesnar picks up Kane! F-5 TO KANE!!!! Undertaker is up now. Lesnar and Taker stare each other down again. THE FIGHT IS ON!!!! The two exchange punches. Undertaker hits Lesnar with a big boot. Taker goes to hit the ropes and misses Lesnar. Lesnar almost sends him out, but somehow he manages to survive. Brock picks up Undertaker for the F-5, but Taker escapes. Taker picks up Lesnar now! TOMBSTONE TO LESNAR!!!! Undertaker just walks on over and clotheslines Batista out of the ring (elimination #27)! It’s Taker and Kane vs. Lesnar! Undertaker picks up Kane. The two brothers walk over to get Lesnar, but Undertaker grabs Kane and throws him out (elimination #28)! Batista comes back in with a chair. Undertaker hits him with a big boot. Undertaker grabs the chair and chases Batista away. BROCK LESNAR IS BACK UP THOUGH! LESNAR GOES OVER AND DUMPS THE UNDERTAKER (elimination #29)! BROCK LESNAR WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!!!

The Verdict:

Meh. This wasn’t a very good Rumble in my opinion. The ring was congested for entirely too long and that usually results in a clusterfuck of a Rumble. The right guy won the thing so they get bonus points for that. You could honestly skip this Rumble and not miss much. I would watch it just to see Lesnar dominate, if that’s the kind of thing you are into.

Royal Rumble Review: **

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