2002. WCW is officially dead. WWE now pretty much owns a monopoly on the wrestling world. With no big competitors, the WWE has signed all the big names out there. Ric Flair has returned to the WWE, only this time he’s part owner. The Rock is on the brink of becoming a massive movie star, while Steve Austin’s career is quickly fading fast. What does the WWE have up their sleeves this year?
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 2002
Our first two entries are;
#1 – Rikishi
#2 – Goldust
After a few years away, Goldust is making his return to the Royal Rumble. Rikishi as we all know by now is a beast in these things. Winner meets the UNDISPUTED CHAMPION at WrestleMania. Doesn’t that sound special? This is apparently Goldust’s return to the WWE after a few years of being away. Jim Ross calls Goldust the most bizarre character he’s ever been around in wrestling. That’s quite the statement. Goldust taunts Rikishi. Rikishi isn’t impressed. He picks up Goldust, but Goldust gets out. Goldust hits him with a punch. Goldust goes off the ropes and Rikishi almost throws him out! Goldust survives though. He hits Rikishi in the mid-section now. Goldust is squaring off on Rikishi’s face and goes for a big knee but misses and almost gets eliminated. He’s now on the ring apron as Rikishi beats on him. He gets back in the ring though and goes back to punching Rikishi. Here comes #3…….
#3 – Big Boss Man
Boss Man comes down here and it’s no surprise that he’s in a bad mood. He goes right after Rikishi, but Rikishi ain’t playing. Rikishi whips him into Goldust who is still in the corner. Rikishi follows that up with a big splash to the both of them. Boss Man hits Rikishi with a clothesline. Boss Man is now beating on Rikishi. Goldust is back up and he starts beating on Rikishi as well. They team up to try to eliminate the big man, but he’s holding on for dear life. Goldust gets tired of this and just punches the Boss Man. And here comes #4………
#4 – Bradshaw
Bradshaw immediately goes after Boss Man. He whips Boss Man into the ropes and hits him with an elbow. Now Bradshaw is chopping Goldust in the corner. Rikishi gets Boss Man down in the corner. Uh oh. STINK FACE TO BOSS MAN! That’s just not cool man. Bradshaw has Goldust on the verge of elimination, but he’s holding on. Boss Man gets back up and Rikishi throws him out ending his night (elimination #1). Rikishi turns around and Bradshaw starts chopping him. Rikishi whips Bradshaw into the ropes and hits him with a Samoan drop. Goldust picks up Bradshaw and throws him into the turnbuckle. Bradshaw counters with a power bomb. Here comes #5…….
#5 – Lance Storm
Storm goes right after Goldust, but doesn’t have the advantage for very long. Rikishi currently has Bradshaw almost out. Storm picks up Goldust and throws him into the turnbuckle. Storm is now trying to eliminate Goldust. Goldust starts to elbow Storm in the face though and Storm eventually drops him. Goldust is now trying to eliminate Storm. Rikishi comes over and is now trying to help Storm eliminate Goldust, but that doesn’t happen. Bradshaw and Storm are now exchanging blows. And here comes another entrant…..
#6 – Al Snow
Snow runs down and hits anyone in sight. Snow has Rikishi reeling on the ropes. CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL TO LANCE STORM FROM BRADSHAW! Rikishi hits Goldust with a big knee. Snow starts trying to eliminate Rikishi while the crowd chants “We Want Head”. Snow and Rikishi are still trading blows, but Goldust comes over and tries to eliminate Snow. Snow hangs on though. He clotheslines Goldust upon re-entering the ring. Lance Storm and Rikishi are trying to throw each other out. And here comes the next guy……
#7 – Billy Gunn
Billy Gunn of “Billy & Chuck” takes his head band off and rushes down to the ring. Bradshaw welcomes him with a big boot. Bradshaw continues to beat on Gunn. Snow almost eliminates Storm, but Storm hangs on. Storm pulls Snow out of the ring and the two battle on the ring apron. Snow kicks Storm in the face and that knocks him off and he’s out (elimination #2). Snow gets back in the ring and Rikishi already has him on the verge of elimination now. Bradshaw tries throwing Goldust out, but he holds on. And Billy Gunn runs right over and dumps Bradshaw (elimination #3). See, now that’s how you capitalize on a good situation. Here comes #8…….
#8 – The Undertaker
The Undertaker is here and he’s still using shitty Limp Bizkit music as his entrance music. BRING BACK THE DEADMAN! Undertaker gets in the ring and CHOKESLAM TO BILLY GUNN! Undertaker then tosses Al Snow into the turnbuckle. Big boot to Snow now. Undertaker grabs Goldust and CHOKESLAMS HIM RIGHT OUT OF THE RING (elimination #4)! Taker picks up Snow again and headbutts him. He picks up Snow again and tosses him like yesterday’s garbage (elimination #5). Rikishi tries to whip Undertaker into the ropes, but Taker counters and hits him with a big boot. He picks Rikishi up and clotheslines his ass right on out of the ring (elimination #6)! Oh, he also grabs Billy Gunn and throws him out to (elimination #7). Now he’s all alone in the ring. Booger Red is not fucking around tonight. Here comes his next victim……
#9 – Matt Hardy
Rest in Peace Matt Hardy. Hardy runs down to the ring. Hey, it’s your funeral buddy. Hardy punches Undertaker! Undertaker grabs Matt by the throat though! Lita is up on the top rope now! Lita tries to jump on the Undertaker BUT HE GRABS HER BY THE THROAT AS WELL! OH SHIT! He throws Hardy into the corner. He still has Lita by the throat though. Lita hits Undertaker in the balls and Matt gets the TWIST OF FATE!!! Lita and Matt are now beating on Undertaker! Matt is now trying to eliminate Taker. Taker eventually counters Matt though and throws him into the corner. Matt reverses things and hits Taker with an elbow. Matt is now punching Taker and tries going for the elimination. Undertaker gets out of that though. And here comes another entrant……
#10 – Jeff Hardy
Of course. Here comes Matt’s brother and now it’s a two-on-one situation. The Hardy’s are just stomping on Undertaker. Lita hops back in the ring and joins the party! The Hardy’s hug. BOOOOOO!!! They whip Undertaker into the ropes now and HE DOUBLE CLOTHESLINES THEM! Undertaker grabs Jeff and tries throwing him out, but he holds on. He lifts Matt Hardy up, but he also holds on. TWIST OF FATE!!! SWANTON BOMB TO UNDERTAKER NOW!!! The Hardy’s are now trying to eliminate Undertaker. They go for the “Poetry in Motion” but Undertaker just ends up throwing Jeff out of the ring (elimination #8). HAHAHAHA! He runs after Matt and hits him with a clothesline. LAST RIDE TO MATT HARDY! Undertaker picks up Hardy and throws him out (elimination #9). And here comes another victim……
#11 – Maven
Oh boy. The first winner of WWE’s failed “Tough Enough” experiment. Maven lived in my home state of Oregon and was actually a teacher in a town about 15 miles from where I grew up, so I always cheered for him. Anyway, he’s in a shit load of trouble here. Undertaker starts beating on Maven as soon as he gets in the ring. Lita is back on the ring apron though and she distracts Undertaker. Undertaker drops Maven to go after Lita and The Hardy Boyz are back in the ring! They start jumping Undertaker. Undertaker flips the script though and throws the Hardy’s out again for good measure. Undertaker starts to yell at the Hardy’s who are on the outside of the ring AND MAVEN DROPKICKS HIM FROM BEHIND AND ELIMINATES HIM (elimination #10)!!!!!!! THE CROWD ERUPTS!!!! Undertaker is in shock! Maven is celebrating while Undertaker is in disbelief. Run while you can Maven. RUN! Undertaker is going back in the ring. Uh oh. Maven is begging for mercy and Undertaker goes for the beating. And it’s on. Undertaker throws him through the middle ropes and starts beating him on the outside of the ring now. A chair shot puts Maven down for good. A couple more chair shots just for good measure. Yep. Maven is done. Undertaker continues beating on him anyway. Here comes #12…….
#12 – Scotty Too Hotty
Scotty comes down dancing, so he must not have been paying attention to what was happening. Nope. Undertaker sees him dancing and punches him in the face. He throws Maven back in the ring and just THROWS HIM OUT (elimination #11). Undertaker gives Maven some more chair shots and throws him out into the crowd. Undertaker is now beating a bloody Maven all throughout the audience. Maven is trying to fight back, but it’s just not happening. Undertaker throws Maven into the concession stand. Here comes lucky #13……
#13 – Christian
It’s Christian and at last he’s on his own. Undertaker throws Maven into the popcorn machine. The fans are going crazy while security struggles to hold them back. Undertaker is hungry and takes a bite of popcorn. Christian is now posing in the ring with his European Championship while Scotty Too Hotty is still out. Christian starts posing on the turnbuckle now. Why not? Kick back and relax buddy. Scotty finally gets in the ring and the two start squaring off. Scotty whips Christian into the ropes. Christian counters him though and hits him with an impaler. And now we are getting another entrant…..
#14 – Diamond Dallas Page
Former WCW Champion Diamond Dallas Page is making his Royal Rumble debut. He goes right after Christian. A big clothesline puts Christian down. He picks Christian up and goes to eliminate him, but Christian counters it. Christian starts beating on DDP now. Christian goes to throw DDP out, but that’s not happening. DIAMOND CUTTER TO CHRISTIAN! Scotty whips DDP into the ropes and hits him with a kick to the mid-section that sends him through the middle ropes. Scotty now sees Christian and BULLDOG! AND IT’S WORM TIME! W-O-R-M!!! All of that work for a chop. And all of that work for nothing as DDP comes from behind Scotty and throws him out (elimination #12). DDP starts stomping on Christian but #15 is on his way down…..
#15 – Chuck
Chuck of “Billy and Chuck”. Chuck goes right after DDP. DDP hits Chuck with a neckbreaker. Chuck is now stomping on DDP. Chuck starts posing and DDP throws him into the turnbuckle and starts beating on him. Christian comes over and helps Chuck though. It’s a two-on-one on DDP now. DDP is in big time trouble. Maybe #16 can offer a hand?……..
#16 – The Godfather
The Godfather is BACK! We don’t have that awful Goodfather anymore, thank god. Godfather ends up bringing out 12 ladies now and dances with them on the stage. This guy is never in a hurry to get to the ring. He’s all about partying and that’s why we love them. While all of this was happening, DDP was the victim of the phantom elimination (elimination #13). Godfather won’t stop dancing with his ladies. They try going back, but he runs back and dances some more. Come on man. Finally he starts walking down to the ring. And just in time for someone else to join the fray…..
#17 – Albert
Albert comes out to Scotty Too Hotty’s theme music which kind of confuses me at first. He immediately starts trading blows with Christian. He hits Christian with a big splash in the corner. Now he hits Chuck with a big shot to the face. A big splash to Chuck from Albert now. Godfather wants some of Albert now. Albert makes him pay with a big scissor kick. Albert tries throwing him out. Christian and Chuck come up from behind them and just dump Albert’s useless ass (elimination #14). They try dumping Godfather, but that’s a no-go. He pays them back with a double clothesline. He picks Chuck up and whips Christian into him. TIME TO TAKE A RIDE ON THE HO TRAIN!!!!! Nope. Chuck pushes Christian out-of-the-way and they double clothesline Godfather out (elimination #15). Chuck and Christian start swinging on each other. Here comes #18……
#18 – Perry Saturn
Saturn goes right after Chuck. A suplex to Chuck. Christian comes over and they are now double-teaming Saturn. Saturn gets the advantage back though. Christian comes over and eye rakes Saturn. Spear by Saturn now and Christian and Saturn are trading blows. Chuck comes over and starts kicking Saturn. He’s now choking Saturn in the corner with his boot. Christian hates Chuck now for some reason and tries eliminating him. That doesn’t go anywhere. Suplex to Chuck from Saturn now. Saturn goes to throw Christian out and that ALMOST happens, but he survives. And here comes #19……
#19 – “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
“STONE COLD” IS HERE AND THE CROWD GOES NUTS!!!! Saturn is waiting patiently for Austin and Austin just starts beating on everyone. The crowd is chanting “WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?”. Austin grabs Christian and chucks him out of the ring (elimination #16)! He whips Saturn into the ropes. STONE COLD STUNNER TO SATURN! He picks up Chuck and tosses Chuck out of the ring (elimination #17)! He picks up Saturn and does the same thing to him (elimination #18)! He’s bored so he goes back out and grabs Christian and throws him back into the ring. He beats on Christian a little and throws him back out. He goes back outside and grabs Chuck now. He throws Chuck back into the ring and gives him a STONE COLD STUNNER! He checks his “watch” and throws Chuck out. Now he goes to sit on the turnbuckle and proceeds to check his “watch” again. Who’s next?……..
#20 – Val Venis
This is apparently Val Venis’ return to the WWE after a lengthy absence. Val is doing his usual schtick in the aisle. Austin is waiting in the ring. Venis runs into the ring and the beating is on. Austin is stomping a mud hole in Venis’ ass. Venis hits him an eye poke. He starts punching Austin now. He throws Austin into the corner and gives him a few more punches. An elbow drop to Austin now followed by a knee drop. Venis starts posing. He picks Austin up and starts chopping him. Austin counters with a THESZ PRESS THOUGH! Here comes #21……
#21 – Test
Test gets in the ring and clotheslines Austin right away. He throws Austin into the corner now. The beating is on. Test is now choking Austin with his boot in the corner. Venis comes over to help Test now. They are both choking Austin with their boots. They pick Austin up and hit him with a double elbow. They irish whip Austin into the ropes, but he counters with a kick. He starts trading punches on both of them! HE CLOTHESLINES VAL VENIS OUT OF THE RING (elimination #19)! STONE COLD STUNNER TO TEST!!!!! He picks Test up and hurls him out of the ring as well (elimination #20)! Austin starts checking his “watch” again. Just in time for #22……
#22 – Triple H
It’s time to play the game. Something tells me Austin isn’t going to be throwing HHH out as quickly as he’s been throwing everyone else out. HHH takes his sweet ass time getting to the ring as he stares down Austin. HHH FINALLY gets in the ring and the stare down continues. They go face-to-face now. AND IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! Punches are getting thrown back and forth. And here comes #23!……..
#23 – The Hurricane
STAND BACK! THERE’S A HURRICANE COMING THROUGH! Hurricane gets in the ring and HHH and Austin are both laying down on the mat. Hurricane stands over them. He grabs HHH by the throat. He grabs Austin by the throat as well! Austin and HHH look at each other in bewilderment. They just grab him and throw him out (elimination #21). Good showing Hurricane. Austin and HHH start brawling again. HHH is chopping Austin in the corner. Austin whips HHH into the ropes, but HHH counters with a knee. HHH is now punching Austin in the corner. #24 is on their way down……
#24 – Faarooq
Faarooq starts beating on both Austin and HHH. He whips Austin into the ropes and hits him with a spinebuster! He goes to eliminate Austin, but HHH comes over. STONE COLD STUNNER TO FAAROOQ! Faarooq is out of it and HHH just clotheslines him out (elimination #22)! Austin and HHH start battling again. HHH is punching Austin in the face in the corner. He smashes Austin’s head into the turnbuckle. Now he’s trying to eliminate Austin. Austin holds on though. He now has advantage over HHH. He goes for the elimination on HHH now. Here comes #25…….
#25 – Mr. Perfect
Wait….what? After almost a ten-year absence, MR. PERFECT IS BACK! He’s also just as perfect as ever. Perfect takes his time getting down to the ring. Once inside he goes right after Austin. HHH comes over and Perfect knocks him down. Perfect is now chopping Austin in the corner. Perfect goes for the elimination on Austin. HHH comes back over and Perfect makes him pay with some elbows. HHH and Austin are now teaming up to try to eliminate Perfect. They have him on the ropes, but we are getting another entrant…..
#26 – Kurt Angle
YESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE KURT ANGLE!!!!!!!! Angle goes right after HHH! THE BEATING IS ON!!!! Perfect is punching Austin! Angle is punching HHH! The crowd is chanting “YOU SUCK! WHAT?” which is kind of odd. Angle continues beating on HHH’s pretty face. Stephanie isn’t going to like that. HHH counters though and throws Angle in the corner and starts punching his face now. HHH goes for a suplex, but Angle counters with one of his own. Perfect is currently chopping Austin in the corner. Angle continues to beat on HHH. Angle goes for the elimination of HHH, but Austin comes over for the save. What the hell? Here comes #27…….
#27 – Big Show
Ohhhhh boooooyyyyyy. BUSINESS HAS PICKED UP! Big Show picks Angle up and headbutts him. CHOKE SLAM TO MR. PERFECT! DOUBLE CHOKE SLAM TO AUSTIN AND HHH! NO!!! THEY COUNTER IT!!!! They now have Big show reeling on the ropes. He gets a double clothesline though and puts them both down! He continues to headbutt Austin and Angle comes over and tries to suplex him. That doesn’t work. Big Show picks Angle up, but HHH hits Show in the knee. Big Show makes him pay with a big boot to the face though. A clothesline to Austin now from Big Show. A headbutt to Mr. Perfect now. A headbutt to Kurt Angle now. Big Show gives no fucks. And here comes #28…….
#28 – Kane
They just keep getting bigger folks. Kane is here and Big Show is ready and waiting for him. Everyone in the ring is down, except for Big Show. ONCE AGAIN, IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! Show and Kane are trying to knock each other down, but nothing is happening. They grab each other by the throat. Kane let’s go and hits Show in the nuts. And in an impressive feat of strength, Kane picks up Big Show and just lifts him out of the ring (elimination #23)! Austin is waiting for Kane to turn around. STONE COLD STUNNER TO KANE!!!! Angle goes ahead and lifts Kane up and out of the ring as well (elimination #24)! HHH hits Angle with a big clothesline. Austin is trading blows with Perfect in the corner. HHH is beating on Angle in the other corner. And here comes another entrant……
#29 – Rob Van Dam
Rob Van Dam is making his Royal Rumble debut. He goes RIGHT FOR THE TOP ROPE! FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH ON KURT ANGLE! RVD is now kicking everyone in the Rumble! He picks up Austin and slams him! ROLLING THUNDER TO AUSTIN! WAIT! PEDIGREE TO RVD FROM HHH!!!! RVD IS OUT NOW! As a matter of fact, EVERYONE IS OUT NOW! Austin gets up and goes after HHH. Angle and Perfect are now trading blows. Here comes #30 and we all know who it is……
#30 – Booker T
This is Booker T’s Royal Rumble debut and he got #30. Now that’s some damn luck. Booker doesn’t know who to go after. He decides to lift RVD up who is still unconscious. He throws RVD out for good (elimination 25). SPINAROONI FROM BOOKER T! Booker gets up though! STONE COLD STUNNER TO BOOKER! AND BOOKER T GOES FLYING OUT OF THE RING (elimination #26)!!!! AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!!
The Final Four:
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin
Who wants it?????
Angle immediately starts attacking Austin. Austin goes for the STUNNER but Angle counters and throws Austin into a waiting HHH. From there, HHH tries to get Austin in the pedigree, but Austin counters it! Austin slingshots HHH into the turnbuckle. ANGLE SLAM TO HHH! Perfect starts beating on Austin now. Angle comes from behind and hits Austin with a german suplex! ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND YES, ANOTHER O…..NOPE! Austin hits Angle with a nut shot. Austin then goes over to work on Perfect. He’s trying to eliminate the “Perfect One” now. Angle comes over and tries dumping Austin. Perfect gives him a hand but Austin manages to stay in. Angle and Austin exchange blows now. Perfect comes over to help Angle again. Austin goes to throw Perfect out now. ANGLE COMES OVER AND ELIMINATES AUSTIN THOUGH (elimination #27)!!!!! Perfect goes after Angle now. HHH is still out. Angle and Perfect exchange blows. Austin drags Perfect to the outside of the ring and starts beating on him. Angle goes outside to though and throws Austin into the ring steps. Perfect and Angle get back in the ring. HHH and Angle square off now. Angle has control. Perfect comes over to give Angle a hand. It’s a two-on-one on HHH now. AUSTIN IS BACK WITH A CHAIR NOW!!!! CHAIR SHOT TO ANGLE! CHAIR SHOT TO PERFECT! CHAIR SHOT TO HHH!!!! EVERYONE GETS A CHAIR SHOT!!!!!! Austin retreats back to the locker room now. Angle, HHH, and Perfect are all laid out in the ring now. Perfect is up first and starts hammering on HHH. He’s now holding HHH. Kurt Angle comes over for the clothesline but HHH moves and Angle almost eliminates Perfect. Perfect is pissed and goes to confront Angle. He punches Angle. PERFECT PLEX TO ANGLE!!!! HHH COMES OVER AND JUST THROWS PERFECT OUT THOUGH (elimination #28)!!!! IT’S ANGLE VS. HHH! They have a staredown. The fight is on! HHH gets him down and starts punching him. He throws Angle into the corner. Angle counters though. BELLY TO BELLY TO HHH! Angle goes for the elimination, but HHH is holding on. HHH almost goes out, but manages to survive somehow. HHH is now on the ring apron and is punching Angle. HHH gets back in the ring. HHH is choking Angle now! They both get up. Angle is against the ropes and HHH sees an opportunity! He runs over to hit Angle with a knee but ANGLE MOVES! HHH GOES OUT! NO HE DOESN’T!!! HE’S BARELY HANGING ON!!!! Angle thinks he’s won and starts celebrating. HHH survives though. FACEBUSTER TO ANGLE! Angle goes against the ropes AND HHH CLOTHESLINES HIM OUT!!!! HHH WINS HIS FIRST EVER ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!
This was another pretty good Royal Rumble. It’s almost amazing how entertaining Rumbles can be when the ring isn’t congested the entire time and the company picks the right winner. HHH was coming off a horrible ACL injury and this was his big return and he made a huge impact. Totally recommend watching this one.
Royal Rumble Review: ***