2001 was a trying year for the wrestling business. After years of some hardcore competition between WCW and the WWE, this was the year the WWE would finally stick the knife in WCW’s throat and put them out of their misery for good. The WWE no longer had competition in the wrestling business and could pretty much do whatever they wished (the upcoming “invasion” showed us that) and the fans would continue to tune in. This is also about the time where the WWE stopped putting out a consistently good product and started to drag a little creative-wise. All good things eventually come to an end, but FIRST…..the ROYAL RUMBLE!
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 2001
Our first two entries are;
#1 – Jeff Hardy
#2 – Bull Buchanan
Jeff Hardy stinks. I’ve never liked him. As a matter of fact, if you watch WrestleMania 19 and see a guy holding a sign that says “DIE JEFF HARDY DIE”….that’s me. Yes, the sign may have been a little cruel, but I didn’t care back in the day. I just wanted people to know that I was not a fan of Jeff Hardy at all apparently. Hardy gets #1 and starts dancing as he comes down. Just one of the many reasons I disliked him. Bull Buchanan of the Rights to Censor runs down and the fight is on. Bull is beating on Hardy. Hardy hits the top rope and jumps over Bull. A headscisscor takedown to Buchanan now. Bull gets the advantage though. He goes to throw Hardy out, but Hardy eye rakes him. Bull starts beating on Hardy again though. Hardy counters him and starts punching Bull now. Hardy is now going for the elimination, but Bull survives. Bull turns the tables and is now trying to throw Hardy out. That doesn’t happen though. Here comes #3…….
#3 – Matt Hardy
Matt Hardy runs down and while I was not a fan of his at this point, he would eventually turn into a much better character than Jeff ever was. Matt goes right after Bull, and it’s now two-on-one as the Hardy’s take out Bull. They throw him over (elimination #1) and now it’s MATT vs. JEFF! The Hardy’s don’t waste any time and start battling. Matt has Jeff teetering on elimination, but Jeff escapes. A suplex from Matt to Jeff. Jeff counters Matt and goes to toss him out now. STOP IT! YOU GUYS ARE BROTHERS! Matt survives, but #4 is coming down now……
#4 – Faarooq
Faarooq of the APA runs down and ends up getting the early advantage on both Hardy Boyz. Faarooq goes to pick Matt up to eliminate him, but the Hardy’s get the tables turned. That doesn’t last long though. TWIST OF FATE TO FAAROOQ FOLLOWED BY A SWANTON SPLASH! The Hardy’s now pick Faarooq up and end his night early (elimination #2). Right after that, Matt tries to throw Jeff out of the ring, but Jeff holds on. He rolls back in the ring and takes his shirt off much to Jeremy Lambert’s delight. Both Hardy’s have their shirts off now and Jeremy’s head is officially exploding. They start swinging at each other. And #5 is coming down…….
#5 – Drew Carey
Alrighty then. Drew Carey of “The Drew Carey Show” is in the Royal Rumble for some reason. Matt hits Jeff with a leg drop off the top rope while Carey watches from outside. Matt sends Jeff into the ropes, but Jeff jumps over him. Jeff goes to throw Matt out, but Matt hangs on. Both Hardy Boyz are on the ring apron now and are still fighting. They go up to the top rope and a slip-up ends with Matt Hardy getting eliminated (elimination #3) followed by Jeff going out right after him (elimination #4). That means DREW CAREY is now all alone in the ring! Could Drew Carey be heading to WrestleMania? Maybe if the price is right. Who’s coming out to face him? We are about to find out……
#6 – Kane
RUN DREW CAREY! RUN! Kane comes slowly walking down to the ring as Drew Carey is begging people at ring side for help. No one is coming to Drew’s aid though. Teddy Long comes over and says something to Drew. We couldn’t hear what he said but I’m sure it sounded like “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE”. Kane gets in the ring and makes the ring posts light up with fire. Drew Carey goes for the handshake. Kane’s not having that. Drew is now offering Kane some money. And here comes #7……..
#7 – Raven
Kane has Drew Carey in the chokeslam just as Raven comes running down with a kendo stick. Raven hits Kane with the stick, but Kane just no-sells it. Drew Carey takes this time to just eliminate himself (elimination #5). He’s not going back in there against Kane and I for one don’t blame him. Kane picks Raven up by the throat and slams him into the corner. Drew Carey is now clapping everyone’s hands like he did something. Kane continues to pound on Raven. A hip toss to Raven and Raven now rolls out of the ring. Raven goes to grab a fire extinguisher and sprays it in Kane’s face. Raven grabs some garbage cans now. However, here comes Al Snow and the FIGHT IS ON! Snow starts pounding away on Raven. Snow throws him into the barricade. Raven gets back in the ring and Snow tries to follow him, but the refs stop him. Raven starts hitting Kane with a garbage can. #8 is now heading down though……
#8 – Al Snow
Apparently Al Snow was #8, he just doesn’t care about rules and does what he pleases. He gets in the ring and starts hitting Raven with the garbage can lid. He starts hitting Kane with the lid as well. He’s now just going back-and-forth between the two. He jumps out of the ring and grabs another trash can and a bowling ball. He hits Kane with the bowling ball and takes it out of the bag. He ROLLS it right into Raven’s nuts! STRIKE!!!!!! Kane gets up and hits Snow now. Kane proceeds to beat on Snow in the corner. Raven comes over with the trash can, but Kane puts him on the ground. Snow picks up the trash and hits Kane with it. Raven comes over and now Snow and him are both hitting Kane with garbage cans! They whip Kane into the ropes and him with a double drop toehold onto another garbage can. And here comes another entrant…..
#9 – Perry Saturn
Saturn is here and this is his Royal Rumble debut. Saturn didn’t have a very successful WWE run, but I always enjoyed him on my television screen for some reason. Saturn goes right after Kane and pulls him out from under the ring. Or at least he tries to. Saturn gets in the ring and continues beating on Kane. Raven and Al Snow are both apparently taking a nap at the moment. Raven jumps up finally and tries to put a sleeper hold on Kane but that’s a no go. Kane hits Saturn with a leg drop and picks him up. He press slams him on the ground. Snow and Raven are both trying to jump on Kane’s back, but he’s just throwing them off. The three former ECW wrestlers are now beating on Kane. Here comes #10 though…..
#10 – Steve Blackman
WHY IS HE STILL AROUND? Blackman comes out and he’s got some kendo sticks. He goes to town on Raven with them. Blackman now proceeds to do some stick work on Snow and then Saturn. Kane has had enough and punches Blackman. The ring is currently filled with a bunch of litter. Raven goes to eliminate Snow, but he holds on. He’s now choking Raven in the corner. Blackman and Saturn are trying to double-team Kane, but that’s proven to be a difficult task. Kane smashes Blackman’s head against the turnbuckle. And here comes another entrant…..
#11 – Grandmaster Sexay
Sexay hits the ring and immediately grabs a garbage can lid. He starts bashing everyone over the head with it. Apparently this is the HARDCORE version of the Royal Rumble. Who needs wrestling moves when you have garbage can lids? Sexay picks up Snow and goes to throw him out, but he hangs on. Saturn kicks Sexay. Blackman is punching Kane, but he’s no-selling those. Raven has the garbage can lid now and he hits Saturn over the head. Sexay found some nunchucks somewhere and he’s putting a beating on Blackman. Kane has fucking had enough already and picks up a garbage can. He smashes it over the head of Sexay and sends him out of the ring (elimination #6). He starts smashing everyone else now. He grabs Blackman and tosses him. Blackman holds on though. Kane grabs a garbage can lid and smashes him in the face and he does end up going out (elimination #7). Al Snow and Raven are fighting until Kane walks over and throws Al Snow out (elimination #8). See, now we are getting somewhere! A big boot also ends Raven’s night as well (elimination #9)! Saturn goes to tackle Kane, but Kane hits him with the kendo sticks. Kane then just THROWS him out of the ring as well (elimination #10)! KANE HAS CLEARED THE RING! Here comes #12!…….
#12 – Honky Tonk Man
Honky Tonk Man is once again a surprise entrant in the Royal Rumble and if he was smart, he would go back to the locker room. Honky takes his sweet ass time getting in the ring. He actually grabs the mic and wants to bless us with a song. YAAAAY! Honky tells Kane to back off while he talks to the crowd. Honky is going to sing us his theme song baby! Honky starts cutting a rug and starts singing his theme song. Kane has had it. GUITAR SHOT TO THE HEAD OF THE HONKY TONK MAN! HONKY IS OUT! Kane grabs him and it’s BYE HONKY TONK MAN (elimination #11). Just in time for lucky #13…….
#13 – The Rock
OHHHHHHH SHITTTTTT!!!! THE ROCK AND KANE! ROCK GETS IN THE RING AND GOES RIGHT AFTER THE BIG RED MACHINE! Kane whips him into the ropes, but Rock hits a clothesline! Rock goes to throw Kane out, but Kane counters and knocks Rock down! Kane is now stomping on Rock in the corner while the fans chant Rock’s name. Kane whips Rock into the ropes and hits him with a clothesline. Kane picks Rock up and continues punching him. Kane now hits Rock with a big boot. And here comes another entrant……
#14 – The Goodfather
The Goodfather. Yikes. Even though I really liked the Right to Censor gimmick and I thought the WWE dropped the ball with them, The Goodfather was always one of the most ridiculous gimmicks. The Godfather was one of the most over guys in the WWE and the WWE getting rid of him and making him The Goodfather made absolutely no sense. Goodfather goes right after Rock. Rock starts punching him. He actually goes ahead and just PUNCHES him right out of the ring (elimination #12). See, I told you that was a shitty gimmick for him. Kane is now working on Rock again. Kane suplexes Rock. Kane starts choking Rock in the center of the ring. Kane whips Rock into the ropes, but Rock counters it. He hits Kane with some punches, but Kane counters it and picks Rock up for a big slam. Here comes #15……
#15 – Tazz
Tazz is making his debut in the Royal Rumble. He runs to the ring and immediately gets grabbed by Kane. Kane has him by the neck and just places him on the top rope. This doesn’t look good for Tazz. Nope. Kane just punches him out of the ring (elimination #13). It’s now Kane and Rock one-on-one again as Kane continues to work over Rock. Kane has him in the corner and is trying to eliminate him. Rock is fighting back now! Rock is going to eliminate Kane now! Kane is holding on and eventually manages to escape. Rock and Kane start trading blows again. Kane walks right into a Samoan Drop though! And another entrant is on their way……
#16 – Bradshaw
Bradshaw comes down and no one cares. He goes right after Kane. He has Kane on the ropes with some big shots. He now has him in the corner. Rock and Bradshaw double-team Kane. Bradshaw then hits Rock with a CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! Bradshaw is in control. Bradshaw has Kane in one corner and goes back to working on Rock. He whips Rock into the ropes but Rock hits him with a slam! Kane gets up and clothesline Rock now! Everyone is down now. Kane gets up and hits Bradshaw with a big boot. Kane turns his attention back to Rock. Here comes #17…….
#17 – Albert
Albert hauls ass down to the ring and goes right after Kane. Some people’s kids man. He then goes over and hits Rock with a boot to the face. Kane comes over and punches Albert now and him and Bradshaw start double-teaming him. Kane hits Bradshaw with a clothesline. Albert is now working on Bradshaw while Kane and the Rock square off. Albert has Bradshaw on the verge of elimination. Kane has Rock in the same predicament. Both guys manage to survive though. Albert goes to work on Rock, but Bradshaw comes over and hits Albert with a huge clothesline. It’s time for someone else to come down…..
#18 – Hardcore Holly
Holly immediately goes after Bradshaw. Kane comes over and punches Hardcore in the face. An ALBERT BOMB to Bradshaw and he’s now hurting. Albert has Kane on the verge of elimination while Hardcore and Bradshaw double-team Rock. Rock almost goes out, but he manages to sneak back in. Kane whips Albert into the ropes and hits him with a nice kick. Albert then goes to beat on Hardcore a little. Rock gets whipped into the ropes by Bradshaw, but he reverses it. ROCK ALMOST HAS KANE OUT! It’s time for #19 though……..
#19 – K-Kwik
This is “R-Truth” back when he was like 19. He looks really young here. He goes right after Albert, but Albert quickly switches it up. He’s now beating on K-Kwik. Hardcore Holly has Bradshaw on the brink of elimination. K-Kwik has flipped the script on Albert. Bradshaw almost goes out, but he sneaks back in. The Rock picks up K-Kwik and goes to throw him out, but Kwik is sneaky and manages to stay in. Bradshaw walks by Kane and hits him with a big boot. Here comes #20…….
#20 – Val Venis
Another member of the Rights to Censor, here comes former porn star Val Venis and this is right about when the guy lost EVERY OUNCE OF HEAT he ever had. Venis goes right after Hardcore. Now he turns his attention to Kane. Kane picks him up and just slams him though. Hardcore Holly has Rock almost eliminated. Rock gives him an eye rake and gets back in the ring. Kane is still pounding on Venis in the corner. Things don’t look good for him. Rock throws K-Kwik into the ropes and nails a big powerslam. And we are getting another entrant……
#21 – William Regal
I’m a huge fan of William Regal. Can’t explain it. Just love the guy. He goes right after K-Kwik with some European Uppercuts. Kane comes over to help Regal beat on Kwik. Regal turns his attention to Bradshaw though. Venis whips Rock into the ropes, but Rock counters and hits Venis with a slam. Kane is now pounding on Regal. Venis lifts Rock up and goes to throw him out, but Rock manages to hold on. Bradshaw comes over for the assistance. The ring is getting really full and we are going to go ahead and add to this mix……
#22 – Test
This is right about when Test started to suck. Test goes right after Regal and THROWS HIM OUT (elimination #14)! OH COME ON! Test starts beating on his former partner Albert. Apparently this is right after T & A broke up or something. Hardcore once again has Rock on the brink of elimination, but K-Kwik comes over and makes the save. Why did Regal only get like thirty seconds in the Rumble but Albert gets like 15 minutes? That’s bullshit. Here comes #23……..
#23 – The Big Show
WELP. Something tells me this ring is about to be cleared. Big Show goes right after Test. Hits him with a headbutt and a clotheslines ends his night for good (elimination #15)! Big Show picks up K-Kwik and THROWS HIM OUT (elimination #16)! Albert comes over and starts hitting Show. Show picks him up and chokeslams him! Bradshaw comes over and HE GETS A CHOKESLAM AS WELL! Venis wants some. He gets a chokeslam to! NOW HARDCORE HOLLY GETS A CHOKESLAM! IT’S A CHOKESLAM SALE!!!! BIG SHOW GRABS KANE AND CHOKESLAMS HIM NOW!!!!! All that’s left is The Rock! He grabs The Rock now, BUT ROCK HITS HIM IN THE NUTS! Rock starts punching Big Show! BIG SHOW IS REELING ON THE ROPES NOW! A CLOTHESLINE SENDS BIG SHOW FLYING OUT OF THE RING (elimination #17). His time was short, but very sweet. And now here comes another entrant…..
#24 – Crash Holly
Big Show is not happy about being eliminated. He starts tearing apart the announcer’s table. He grabs Rock who is still in the ring. Crash meanwhile goes right after Bradshaw. Big Show grabs Rock now and CHOKESLAMS HIM ONTO THE ANNOUNCER’S TABLE! ROCK IS DEAD! Big Show walks back to the locker room now and he looks angry. Rock meanwhile is OUT. In the ring, nothing is happening. Everyone is in one corner and they look like they are talking politics. Hopefully #25 can provide a spark…….
#25 – The Undertaker
UNDERTAKER IS HERE! This is back when Undertaker had some shitty Limp Bizkit entrance music, but we can forgive him for that. Everyone in the ring has Kane on the verge of elimination, but Undertaker comes in and saves his brother. He starts pounding on EVERYONE. Kane starts to help him. Kane grabs Bradshaw and hurls him out of the ring (elimination #18). Undertaker meanwhile throws Crash out of the ring (elimination #19). Kane goes over and clotheslines Albert out as well (elimination #20) and Undertaker grabs Hardcore Holly and bids him adieu (elimination #21). The Brother’s of Destruction have cleared the ring and all that’s left is a defeated Rock and Val Venis. Undertaker grabs Val Venis by the throat and tosses him (elimination #22). IT’S NOW BROTHER VS. BROTHER! Undertaker and Kane have a stare down. Who’s going to make the first move? No one because here comes #26…….
#26 – Scotty Too Hotty
Well, this isn’t going to end well. Scotty is obviously reluctant to get in the ring. Kane and Undertaker are just waiting for him. Just go home man. He gets in the ring and the beatdown is on. A big boot from Undertaker to Scotty. Kane picks Scotty up and slams him. A DOUBLE CHOKESLAM TO SCOTTY NOW! And he’s dead. That’s OK though because the Brothers of Destruction pick him up and throw him out (elimination #23). Meanwhile, The Rock is finally showing signs of life. Just in time for #27 to hit the ring……
#27 – “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
OHHHHHHHHH SHITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!! BUSINESS HAS ONCE AGAIN PICKED UP! Austin is coming down and he’s not happy. HHH COMES FROM BEHIND AUSTIN THOUGH AND HITS HIM! AUSTIN AND HHH ARE NOW BRAWLING ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING! The Rock is back in the ring now and he’s getting double-teamed by the Undertaker and Kane! HHH is totally putting a beatdown on Austin outside of the ring. HHH has now opened up Austin and “Stone Cold” is bleeding all over. HHH isn’t done though and keeps beating the ever-loving hell out of Austin. Here comes #28…….
#28 – “The One” Billy Gunn
This gimmick was awful. Unless Billy Gunn was obsessed with asses, the man was just plain utterly boring. Gunn gets in the ring and starts unloading on Kane. Undertaker comes over and now Gunn starts beating on him. HHH meanwhile is STILL beating on Austin. Austin is defeated and he’s never even entered the ring. Undertaker and Kane are now beating on Gunn. Kane is focusing on Gunn now while Undertaker pounds away on Rock. Undertaker hits Rock with a DDT and The Rock is once again in a lot of pain. #29 is headed down now……
#29 – Haku
HAKU! Everyone seems confused, but HAKU HAS RETURNED TO THE WWE! Haku goes right after Undertaker and he starts pounding on the “Dead Man”. Haku turns his attention to Kane. Headbutts from Haku have Kane reeling. We get a shot of Austin who is bleeding and in a lot of pain. Undertaker and Kane are now double-teaming Haku. Haku is fighting back, but that only lasts so long. Undertaker starts choking Haku while Kane helps. Gunn finally comes over and gives Haku a hand. Haku slams Undertaker’s head against the turnbuckle. Gunn almost eliminates Kane, but Rock comes over and starts pounding on Gunn. Here comes #30 and of course it’s…….
#30 – Rikishi
This is “heel” Rikishi, which was another dumb move by the WWE. Rikishi was insanely over and the whole “Who hit Steve Austin?” storyline pretty much ruined his career. Rikishi and Austin start trading blows in entrance way! Austin gets the advantage and is just pounding on Rikishi now! Austin and Rikishi both get in the ring. AUSTIN IS POUNDING ON EVERYONE!!!! Austin gets Gunn into the corner and stomps a mud hole in his ass! Austin is now hitting Haku with some solid shots and he ends up eliminating Haku (elimination #24)! He now goes over and gives Rock a hand against Kane. Kane has been in the ring for over 50 minutes now. Undertaker picks up Rikishi and gives him a choke slam. Rock is now punching Undertaker. Undertaker goes to throw Rock out….BUT HE HOLDS ON!!!! Undertaker is headbutting Rikishi, but that’s not getting him anywhere. Rikishi goes ahead and hits Undertaker with a big kick AND THAT SENDS HIM FLYING OUT (elimination #25)!!! Rock starts pounding on Rikishi now! Rikishi whips Rock into the ropes and hits him with a splash! Rikishi now has Rock on the ground and drags him over to the corner. Rikishi goes to the top rope to hit Rock with a splash. ROCK GETS UP THOUGH! NUT SHOT TO RIKISHI! AND RIKISHI GOES FLYING OUT OF THE RING (elimination #26)!!!! AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!!
The Final Four:
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin
Who wants it??????
Why is Billy Gunn in the Final Four? C’mon Vince. Kane goes right after Rock while Gunn goes after Austin. Gunn hits the ropes, but Austin counters and goes for a STONE COLD STUNNER! NO! GUNN REVERSES THAT! Gunn whips him into the ropes and goes for the FAMEASSER! HE HITS AUSTIN WITH THE FAMEASSER! Gunn picks Austin up to throw him out, BUT AUSTIN COUNTERS IT AND THROWS GUNN OUT (elimination #27)! Rock nails Kane with a DDT! Austin goes in the corner to get some rest where he’s still bleeding profusely. Rock is in one corner. Kane is in one corner. And Austin is in another corner. Austin and Rock are having a STARE DOWN NOW! IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!!! ROCK AND AUSTIN ARE SQUARING OFF! ROCK IS PUNCHING AUSTIN! AUSTIN GOES DOWN! Rock is now waiting for Austin to get up! ROCK BOTTOM! NO! AUSTIN COUNTERS! A STONE COLD STUNNER TO ROCK NOW!!!!!!!! Rock is out! Austin continues to stomp on Rock. Kane comes over now and he’s going after Austin. Austin is fighting back though! THESZ PRESS TO KANE!!!!!!! Austin hits Kane with some punches and then a nut shot! Rock comes over and starts punching Austin though! ROCK BOTTOM TO AUSTIN!!!!!! Now everyone is out!!!! Kane goes after Rock. Kane whips Rock into the ropes, but Rock reverses it. Rock throws Kane out of the ring, but he only goes through the middle rope! It’s Austin vs. Rock again. Austin punches Rock. Rock punches Austin. They are just trading blows now. Austin picks him up and goes to eliminate him. Rock survives though. Rock picks Austin up to eliminate him and HERE COMES KANE! KANE THROWS THE ROCK OVER (elimination #28)!!!! IT’S AUSTIN VS. KANE NOW! Kane thinks that Austin went out when The Rock did and he’s already celebrating his Royal Rumble victory. He finally realizes it and turns around and tries to clothesline Austin out. Austin moves though! He’s now punching Kane in the face! Austin goes to hit the rope BUT KANE GRABS HIM! CHOKESLAM TO AUSTIN!!!! Kane signals that the end is here. He’s going to throw Austin out and win the Rumble. He picks Austin up. NUT SHUT FROM AUSTIN! KANE GOES DOWN! Both participants are now down on the mat. Kane is now outside of the ring. He wants a chair. He gets back into the ring with a chair. He goes to hit Austin with a chair, but AUSTIN KICKS HIM! AUSTIN IS NOW PUNCHING KANE! AN IRISH WHIP INTO THE ROPES, BUT KANE PICKS AUSTIN UP!!! AUSTIN WIGGLES FREE!!!! STONE COLD STUNNER TO KANE!!!!!!! Austin crawls over to the chair. CHAIR SHOT TO KANE!!!!! ANOTHER ONE!!!!! AND ANOTHER ONE!!!!!! AUSTIN HITS THE ROPE AND A BIG CLOTHESLINE SENDS KANE OUT FOR GOOD (elimination #29)!!!! “STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN WINS HIS THIRD ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!!!!
This was really shaping up to be a less-than-memorable Royal Rumble. The first 45-50 minutes are extremely forgettable. However, the ending to this Rumble is perhaps one of the best ones out of all of them and that completely saves the score. The ending to this Rumble is absolutely spectacular, but unfortunately we all know what happens. Austin goes to face The Rock at WrestleMania 17 and turns heel in one of the dumbest moves in WWE history. Still, this is an OK Royal Rumble. If you can get through the beginning, the end is pretty sweet……
Royal Rumble Review Grade: **1/2