It’s 1999. The “Attitude Era” is at its peak and we are full-on with Vince McMahon vs. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. You know the drill because you already watched it. Everyone did….even my dad.
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 1999
Our first two entries are;
#1 – “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
#2 – Vince McMahon
Things haven’t started yet and we are off the rails already. Something tells me we are in for a long Rumble folks. “Stone Cold” is #1 and he gets a massive reaction of course. Vince McMahon and his friends have promised that there’s “no chance in hell” that Austin is winning his third straight Royal Rumble. Wellllllllll, we’ll see about that one. Vince McMahon is #2 and he still looks odd with his shirt off to me. Austin starts squaring off on McMahon right away and the crowd loves this. Austin is just STOMPING McMahon! A middle finger to McMahon followed by a bodyslam! Austin kicks McMahon in the nuts now. Austin is now signaling that he’s going to throw Vince out. He goes to throw Vince out, but he changes his mind. He punches him instead. Here comes #3…….
#3 – Golga
Golga of The Oddities is #3, but he’s just going to watch the action for now. Austin hits McMahon with a Thesz Press and NOW Golga decides to jump in. Golga goes right after Austin. Golga goes to throw Austin out, but Austin reverses it and throws him out instead (elimination #1). Meanwhile, McMahon has escaped the ring and is now in the crowd. Austin has given chase though and is beating on Vince while Vince tries to escape. Austin is now beating on McMahon in the crowd. #4 is on his way though……
#4 – Droz
Before we even see who #4 is, we go behind the scenes now where Austin is still beating on Vince. They end up in the bathroom now. That turned out to be a trap because The Corporation was hiding out in the bathroom and are now beating on Austin. Even the camera man gets knocked down. We go back to Droz now who is in the ring and is just kicking it. Droz looks confused. Chill dude. You have some rest time before #5 comes down, which is now…..
#5 – Edge
Edge runs down to the ring and the fight is on! Edge hits Droz with a big cross body. Edge whips Droz into the ropes, but Droz reverses it. Droz is now punching Edge. Droz picks him up and slams his head into the turnbuckle. Droz is going for the elimination now. Edge manages to survive and takes the advantage over Droz. Edge is now going for the elimination. Edge whips him into the ropes and hits a dropkick. Here comes #6……
#6 – Gillberg
Here’s your winner folks. We have a HUGE “Gillberg” chant, which may or may not be piped in. Edge is beating on Droz in the ring while Gillberg poses. Edge just throws Gillberg out (elimination #2). Damn it. We go back to the restroom where Steve Austin is now unconscious thanks to The Corporation. Meanwhile in the ring, Droz has Edge on the verge of elimination. Edge manages to survive though. Edge has the upper hand now, but misses a splash in the corner. Droz is now kicking Edge in the corner. Another entry is now headed down……
#7 – Steve Blackman
Blackman runs down and I’m bored already. He goes right after Droz and hits him with a chop. We get another shot of Austin in the restroom who is now getting put on a stretcher. Back in the ring, Edge is taking out his aggression on Blackman. Droz comes over to give him a hand. He tells Edge to “get over here” and help him eliminate Blackman. We could only be so lucky. Blackman survives though, but #8 is coming down…..
#8 – Dan Severn
Dan Severn is on his way because it’s not boring enough already. He goes right after Blackman and that’s a fight I would love to see, not in a WWE ring. Those two are exchanging blows, but Severn goes for an arm bar. Blackman is now chopping him in the corner. We get another shot of Austin who is now on a stretcher and is getting led to an ambulance. There are a lot of fans outside by the ambulance. What the hell are they doing there? WHY AREN’T THEY WATCHING THE RUMBLE? Back in the ring, Blackman has Severn on the edge of elimination while Droz has Edge in the same predicament. We are getting another entry though……
#9 – Tiger Ali Singh
Oh boy. This guy should really up the charisma factor in the ring right now. We get to see Austin getting put in an ambulance now, because that’s apparently important. The ambulance is out here and I’m not sure….but I think Austin has officially been eliminated? The fans are cheering because they are sick bastards. Back in the ring, there’s a whole lot of nothing going on. Edge is punching Tiger, but he gets the reversal and picks Edge up. Edge escapes and goes to throw Tiger out now. DO IT EDGE! THIS GUY SUCKS! Droz comes over to try to eliminate Edge. Here comes #10……
#10 – Blue Meanie
Blue Meanie runs down to the ring and that looks like the most exercise he’s gotten in a long time. He’ll probably need a breather when he gets in the ring. Tiger immediately welcomes him with some blows. He misses a clothesline and Meanie hits him with one of his own. We get some dancing from Meanie now. Edge hates fat guy dancing and starts chopping Meanie. Droz comes over and does the same now. Droz goes for the elimination, but he’s having a hard time lifting Meanie’s legs. Meanie and Edge are now trading blows. Severn is still beating on Blackman and I can count on zero fingers how many people care about that. And here comes #11……
#11 – ???
And no one comes out. My favorite kind of participant. We get a backstage shot of one of the Headbangers getting smashed into the wall. Apparently Mabel is BACK and he wants in the Rumble! He’s just as big and scary as ever and just took one of the Headbangers’ spots. Mabel goes right after Severn and Blackman. He does EVERYONE a favor and tosses them both (elimination #3 & 4)!!! MABEL RULES! Mabel goes after Tiger Ali Singh now and CLOTHESLINES HIM OUT OF THE RING (elimination #5)! MABEL IS THE SHIT! Meanie goes after Mabel now and that’s stupid. Mabel proceeds to beat on him. Here comes another entrant…..
#12 – “Road Dogg” Jesse James
“Road Dogg” runs to the ring, but in the meantime Mabel just throws Droz and Meanie out of the ring (eliminations #6 & #7)! Mabel is NOT fucking around tonight! Road Dogg goes right after Edge. Edge gets the advantage though and also hits Mabel in the nuts. Road Dogg goes to throw Edge out, but Edge HOLDS ON! Road Dogg finishes the job though by running into Edge who is barely hanging on to the apron (elimination #8). Road Dogg’s reward? A one-on-one match-up with Mabel. THE LIGHTS GO OUT! THE UNDERTAKER’S MUSIC HITS! Faaroqq, Bradshaw, and Mideon are in the ring and they have thrown Mabel out (elimination #9)! They are now leading Mabel over to a hooded Undertaker. Undertaker appears to be “brain-washing” Mabel and then the Acolytes and Mideon start beating on
Mabel Viscera again. Road Dogg is now in the ring all alone. Not for long though, here comes lucky #13……
#13 – Gangrel
YES! GANGREL WAS AWESOME! Road Dogg welcomes Gangrel with some solid punches. Gangrel flips the script though and starts beating on Road Dogg now. That doesn’t last long though because Gangrel slips up and Road Dogg ends up tossing him out (elimination #10)! OH, COME ON GANGREL! No wonder you didn’t last that long. Anyway, here comes #14……
#14 – Kurrgan
Kurrgan runs down and unfortunately he’s not a scary dude anymore. He’s a fun-loving member of The Oddities now. Kurrgan immediately starts beating on Road Dogg. A sidewalk slam has Road Dogg reeling now. A head butt from Kurrgan puts Road Dogg on the mat. Kurrgan is now choking Road Dogg in the corner. And here comes another entry…..
#15 – Al Snow
Al Snow is here and apparently everyone wants some “head”. Snow goes right after Kurrgan and Road Dogg comes over to lend a hand. They are beating on Kurrgan while we spot a “members.tripod.com/foley” sign. That’s a hell of a URL. Anyway, Snow has Kurrgan on the brink of elimination while Road Dogg just watches. Road Dogg gets tired of watching them and just pushes Snow out of the ring (elimination #11). Road Dogg starts punching Kurrgan, but Kurrgan isn’t having that. Kurrgan hits a knee drop on Road Dogg. Kurrgan whips Road Dogg into the corner and hits him with a knee. #16 is on his way though…..
#16 – Goldust
Goldust enters the ring and goes right after Road Dogg. A clothesline has Road Dogg hurt. Goldust goes for the elimination, but Kurrgan comes over and stops it. Goldust is now beating on Kurrgan and hits him with a DDT. Road Dogg starts slapping Goldust now. We get our first “SUCK IT” from Road Dogg. He’s now setting up Goldust for the “Shattered Dreams”. That backfires though because Kurrgan comes over and is now holding Road Dogg. Goldust hits him with a nut shot instead. And here comes #17……
#17 – The Godfather
GODFATHER IS HERE AND HE’S BROUGHT SOME HO’S! This is a gimmick that wouldn’t fly in today’s PC world we live in, but man….was it amusing back in the day. Kurrgan has Goldust almost eliminated, and Road Dogg comes over to try and eliminate them both to no avail. Godfather is taking his SWEET ASS time getting down to the ring. Once he finally enters he goes right after Goldust. He starts beating on Goldust in the corner while Kurrgan is working on Road Dogg. Goldust now has Godfather reeling with some punches. Godfather reverses things, just in time for another entry……
#18 – Kane
Oh shit. This is back when Kane was awesome. Not the Kane you’ve seen for the past ten years on WWE TV. Oh no. This Kane was different and this Kane was amazing. Kane gets in the ring and just THROWS Road Dogg out (elimination #12)! Kane then does the same to Kurrgan (elimination #13)! He walks on over and clotheslines Godfather out as well (elimination #14)! And just in case you were wondering, Kane chokeslams Goldust out of the ring to (elimination #15)! OK! THAT’S A WRAP LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! YOUR 1999 ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER…….KANE! A bunch of jobbers run out wearing white coats and apparently they are from the asylum. Kane beats them all up. As they are escaping though, Kane wants some more and eliminates himself running after them (elimination #16). WHAT THE HELL KANE? Ugh, and here comes #19……
#19 – Ken Shamrock
Ken Shamrock of The Corporation is #19 and Vince McMahon is also conveniently back as well. McMahon is wearing a sweater now though so someone must have told him he looked stupid without a shirt on. My guess is it wasn’t Pat Patterson. Vince hops out of the ring though and heads down to do some commentary. Shamrock is just kicking it in the ring though. I don’t know who #20 is, but I feel sorry for the poor sap……
#20 – “Mr. Ass” Billy Gunn
Gunn RUNS down to the ring and he’s PSYCHED. Gunn and Shamrock start punching each other’s faces immediately. Shamrock hits Gunn in the knee that takes him down. Shamrock is now focusing on Gunn’s ankle that was previously injured. Gunn finally gets the advantage though and press slams Shamrock. He doesn’t throw him out though, just in the corner. Now he goes to throw Shamrock out, but he holds on. Shamrock sneaks up on Gunn and goes for his ankle again. Here comes the next entry…..
#21 – Test
Vince McMahon is still sitting at the announce table while another member of his Corporation heads down to the ring. I always liked Test for some reason. We now go backstage to see The Acolytes and Mideon still beating on
Mabel Viscera and they are now throwing him in a hearse. That’s a little too creepy for my taste. An ambulance has just rolled up to the arena though and OH MY GOD! “STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN IS DRIVING THE AMBULANCE! HE’S BACK BABY! Vince looks extremely worried of course. Austin is now walking 100% fine and is back to kick some ass. Give me some of what that man’s taking. We now have another entry without once seeing what was going on in the ring since Test entered……
#22 – Big Boss Man
Steve Austin comes out from behind the curtain instead of #22 and he goes right after Vince. Vince starts running of course. Vince runs back into the ring where Shamrock starts beating on Austin. Big Boss Man finally comes into the ring and I’m not sure why he didn’t attack Austin from behind just seconds earlier. I guess he’s a big dumb idiot. AND JUST LIKE THAT AUSTIN TOSSES SHAMROCK OUT (elimination #17)! Austin goes after Test now, but Boss Man comes over and he has Austin reeling now. Gunn is squaring off with Test while Austin and Boss Man battle in the corner. Vince is back at the announcer’s table now. Austin hits Boss Man with a nut shot and is now choking him with a foreign object. And here comes #23……
#23 – Triple H
HHH comes out to a HUGE reaction and goes right after Test. HHH hits Test with a big knee and smashes his face against the turnbuckle. Gunn is now going after Austin until Boss Man comes over and starts beating on them both. Boss Man has Austin on the brink of elimination. HHH starts beating on Boss Man though and he tries eliminating Austin. There is a bounty on Austin’s head, in case you didn’t know. Austin has recovered and he’s now beating on everyone in the ring. And here comes another entry……
#24 – Val Venis
YESSS!!!!! HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOO LADIIIIEEEESSSS! Val Venis is here and someone’s world title hopes are about to be penetrated. Venis runs to the ring and HHH welcomes him with a clothesline. Venis gets the advantage though and starts delivering some kicks to HHH in the corner. Austin is smashing Test’s head into the turnbuckle now. Gunn comes over and does the same thing to Austin now. Austin doesn’t think much of Billy Gunn though and THROWS HIS ASS OUT (elimination #18)! That’s what happens when an “ass” meets a “rattlesnake”. Austin is now trying to eliminate HHH and Boss Man. Test meanwhile hits Venis with a clothesline. Test, Austin, and Boss Man are all trying to eliminate HHH. Here comes #25 though……
#25 – X-Pac
X-Pac is here and he sucks as much as ever. He goes right after Test and Boss Man tries to go after X-Pac, but HHH intervenes. Venis hits Austin with a double axe handle off the top rope. Venis is now hitting Austin with some big kicks. Test is still beating on X-Pac, but X-Pac reverses things and starts chopping him. Boss Man has HHH on the verge of elimination. HHH manages to survive though. And we are getting another entry…..
#26 – Mark Henry
“Sexual Chocolate” runs down the ring to a nice reaction. This was peak Mark Henry. Henry starts beating on Austin right way. Now he turns his attention to X-Pac. Austin is now punching Henry, but Boss Man comes over and the double-team is on. Henry doesn’t like anyone though and starts hitting Boss Man. X-Pac has the advantage over Austin in the corner. #27 is on his way now……
#27 – Jeff Jarrett
Jeff Jarrett and Debra come down and I forgot how good-looking Debra was at this time. My word. Jarrett and Venis start beating on Austin in the corner. HHH and X-Pac start double-teaming Jarrett though. That doesn’t last long as X-Pac hits his own buddy HHH. X-Pac is now doing the “Bronco Buster” to Boss Man. That was always a really stupid move. “Hey, let’s stick my nuts in your face! That will hurt him!” Austin nails X-Pac with a double axe handle and #28 is coming down……
#28 – D-Lo Brown
D-Lo comes down with PMS (Pretty Mean Sisters) and I don’t remember why exactly. D-Lo starts squaring off with Test immediately. Test has had enough though and starts beating on Austin. Dumb move because Austin throws him out (elimination #19) and gives him the double middle finger as a dessert. Austin turns his attention to D-Lo now. Boss Man does everyone a favor and throws X-Pac out (elimination #20). Test starts kicking X-Pac outside of the ring. Vince is begging someone to eliminate Austin already. Vince doesn’t care who wins, he just wants Austin out! HHH whips Henry into the ropes, but Henry makes him pay with a clothesline. Boss Man and Jarrett have Austin on the brink of elimination, but he gets back in the ring. THESZ PRESS TO JARRETT NOW! Here comes #29 though……
#29 – Owen Hart
Before Owen even gets to the ring, HHH tosses Jeff Jarrett out (elimination #21)! This is Owen’s “enough is enough and it’s time for a change” phase and unfortunately the last time we would see him in a Rumble before….well, you know. Owen goes right after Austin because he wants that bounty money. Hart and D-Lo try eliminating Austin, but HHH comes over for the save. Austin rolls out of the ring and goes for some water at ringside. He takes a drink and then throws the thermos at Vince. HAHAHA! Vince is now pissed off and soaking wet. Austin goes back in the ring. Mark Henry hits HHH with a big splash in the middle of the ring. Here comes #30 and of course it’s…….
#30 – Chyna
Chyna makes history as the first female in the Royal Rumble. The crowd is PUMPED! Mark Henry is waiting for her. Chyna gets in the ring and starts punching Henry. She starts kicking Henry now. Henry goes on the ground but Chyna picks him up and ADIOS MARK HENRY (elimination #22)! BUT STEVE AUSTIN IS HIDING BEHIND CHYNA WAITING FOR HER TO TURN AROUND! A CLOTHESLINE SENDS CHYNA OUT OF THE RING (elimination #23). Ahhh man. I was really hoping she was going to catch a stunner there. Henry laughs at Chyna as she’s now eliminated. Vince is madder than ever. HHH is beating on Austin while Vince eggs him on. Austin is back up though and starts beating on HHH! HHH reverses things though and hits Austin with a knee. He tries eliminating Austin now, but Venis comes over and he wants the bounty money. HHH gets back up though and you don’t screw him over man. He just grabs Venis and finishes him off (elimination #24). HHH turns around AND IT’S STONE COLD STUNNER TIME!!!! AUSTIN HITS HHH WITH A CLOTHESLINE AND HE’S GONE NOW (elimination #25)!!! There are now four people left in the ring and Vince is still at the announcer’s table. D-Lo and Boss Man are beating on Owen but they now focus on Austin. D-Lo comes over and hits Austin with a leg drop. Owen has Boss Man on the ropes and almost out now. D-Lo picks Austin up and throws him into the ropes. He hits Austin with a spinning heel kick. Boss Man is now trying to eliminate Owen. Austin now has the advantage on D-Lo. He’s choking D-Lo in the middle of the ring. He smashes D-Lo’s head into the turnbuckle and goes to eliminate him. D-Lo reverses things though and he starts working on Austin. He’s trying to eliminate Austin now. Owen meanwhile has Boss Man reeling in the corner. Owen picks Boss Man up to throw him out, but D-Lo makes the save. Why? I don’t know. Owen starts beating on Austin now. Owen throws Austin into the corner and goes for a splash, but AUSTIN THROWS HIM OUT (elimination #26)! And we are down to the FINAL FOUR!!!!
The Final Four:
Big Boss Man
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin
Who wants it?????
Boss Man goes right after Austin. Austin and him start trading blows. Austin whips Boss Man into the ropes, but Boss Man flips the script. D-Lo is on the top rope though AND HITS AUSTIN WITH THE FROG SPLASH! D-Lo starts to celebrate and Boss Man comes from behind and dumps him (elimination #27). Probably should have waited to get Austin out before you did that. Boss Man turns around to a waiting Steve Austin. STONE COLD STUNNER TO BOSS MAN! AUSTIN NOW TOSSES BOSS MAN OUT (elimination #28)!!! IT’S AUSTIN VS. VINCE ONCE AGAIN! Austin starts to go right after Vince who is still at the announcer’s table. Vince is begging for mercy. Austin starts punching Vince and the two are now brawling at the announcers table. Austin slams Vince’s head against the television monitor! Austin throws Vince over the barricade and starts beating on him in the audience. Austin throws Vince back over the barricade now. He throws Vince against the ring and GRABS A CHAIR! CHAIR SHOT TO VINCE MCMAHON! AUSTIN CAN’T DO THAT! THAT’S HIS BOSS! STOP THE MATCH! Vince is out cold now. Austin picks Vince up and throws him in the ring. Austin doesn’t appear to be done though. Vince is on his knees and HITS AUSTIN WITH A NUT SHOT! AUSTIN IS DOWN! Not for long though. The two get up about the same time. Vince goes for a clothesline, but Austin ducks. STONE COLD STUNNER TO VINCE!!!!! Austin starts talking to the crowd. He heads up to the top rope now. Elbow drop to Vince! THE ROCK IS HERE THOUGH! Austin notices The Rock coming down. Austin and The Rock start having a face-off. Austin is begging Rock to get in the ring. Rock hops up on the ring apron and him and Austin start trading blows. VINCE IS UP THOUGH! VINCE GOES FROM BEHIND AUSTIN AND THROWS HIM OUT (elimination #29)!!!! VINCE MCMAHON WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE! Yep. Almost twenty years later and it’s STILL a stupid ending. Austin tries to get back in the ring, but Rock prevents that from happening. Rock and Austin are now brawling all the way back to the curtain while “NO CHANCE IN HELL” blares over the loud system.
Man, this Rumble really had a good chance to finish with a higher score than most of the other Rumbles. However, Vince McMahon winning the damn thing STILL sours on me almost twenty years later. It was just a stupid decision. Vince didn’t need the heat. His heat was already nuclear. There were plenty of better options as winners and the WWE owner winning the Royal Rumble is just stupid and I can’t say that enough. Other than that though, it was a really good Rumble that was pretty damn entertaining throughout.
Royal Rumble Review Grade: ***