The Royal Rumble Review rolls along and things are about to pick up because the ATTITUDE ERA HAS OFFICIALLY ARRIVED! The WWE is about to experience its biggest swing of popularity ever. Bret Hart has left the WWE in controversial fashion and taken some of his friends with him. The WWE is left scrambling to put the pieces together, but something tells me they will be just fine…….
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 1998
Our first two entries are;
#1 – Cactus Jack
#2 – Chainsaw Charlie
Much like Demolition did almost ten years ago, tag team partners Chainsaw Charlie and Cactus Jack draw #1 and #2. These guys will probably have no problem beating on each other either. Cactus brought a garbage can, so he means business. Charlie brought a chainsaw, so he’s winning this thing in my book. He goes after Cactus with the chainsaw because murder is apparently legal in the Royal Rumble. It says something about your friendship if you’re willing to cut your best friend in half to earn a shot at the WWE title. Cactus throws a chair into the ring now. And a couple of more chairs for good measure. It’s CHAIR vs. CHAINSAW now! Charlie drops the chainsaw and gets a chair shot for good measure. Now both guys have chairs and are beating on each other. Charlie is now begging for mercy. Wait. Now he wants Cactus to hit him in the head with a chair. Cactus does so. Charlie is wobbled now. He wants another head shot though. Cactus gives him the chair though. Cactus wants a chair shot. Charlie gives him one. That almost puts Cactus out of the ring. Charlie gives him another one and goes to throw him out. Here comes #3 to stop this madness……
#3 – Tom Brandi
The former Salvatore Sincere gets in the ring and gets beaten on by Cactus and Charlie. This is going to be ugly. They just toss him over (elimination #1). Cactus and Charlie square off again. Some punches knock Cactus down. Cactus reverses a piledriver attempt and starts setting up chairs. Cactus then suplexes Charlie onto the chairs. Charlie is in pain now. Cactus goes to throw him out, but Charlie is hanging on for dear life. Here comes #4……..
#4 – The Rock
THE ROCK! The Rock jumps in the ring and takes advantage of a beaten down Charlie and Cactus. The Rock is going back-and-forth on them. Cactus is up though and he has a garbage can and hits Rock in the head with it. Cactus puts the can over Rock’s head and him and Charlie take turns punching it! Cactus grabs a chair now and hits the garbage can. The Rock goes out of the ring, but he goes through the middle rope, so he’s still in. Cactus is celebrating and Charlie comes over and hits him with a nut shot. #5 is on his way down to the ring……
#5 – Headbanger Mosh
Mosh hits the ring and goes right after Charlie. Rock is back in the ring now and is trading blows with Cactus. Rock has Cactus on the verge of elimination now, but Cactus escapes. Cactus is now beating on Rock in the corner. He goes over to help his partner Charlie who is getting beaten on by Mosh. Charlie goes up to the top rope and hits a moonsault on Mosh and misses him! HAHAHAHA! It’s time for another entry……
#6 – Phineas I. Godwin
It’s PIG and now he’s a nasty hillbilly heel. I love it. He goes right after Mosh and they start punching each other. Rock comes over and it’s now two-on-one on Mosh. Cactus and PIG decide they don’t like each other and start punching one another. Charlie is headbutting Rock, but PIG comes out of nowhere and hits a big splash. Rock comes over and goes over PIG now. It’s time for #7 to come on down…..
#7 – 8-Ball
8-Ball of the Disciples of Apocalypse starts punching everyone as soon as he enters the ring. Cactus goes to eliminate his good friend Charlie, but Charlie moves AND CACTUS GOES OUT INSTEAD (elimination #2)! 8-ball and PIG are brawling in the corner now. Jerry Lawler informs us that someone in the back has attacked Steve Austin and he may not even be able to compete in the Royal Rumble tonight. The Rock goes to throw Charlie out, but his legs get stuck in the rope and he survives. It’s time for #8…..
#8 – Blackjack Bradshaw
Holy crap this gimmick sucked. Blackjack starts attacking Mosh right away. Outside of The Rock, there’s a whole lot of trash in the ring right now. 8-ball is beating on Bradshaw, but Bradshaw flips the script and starts beating on him. 8-ball is almost out courtesy of Mosh and Bradshaw. He manages to get back in though. Here comes #9…..
#9 – Owen Hart
Owen Hart comes out and Jeff Jarrett attacks Owen from behind! Apparently this is the time when Jeff Jarrett was doing his NWA gimmick, which was WWE’s lame attempt at a small-nWo invasion like storyline that never took off. Jarrett is beating on Owen in the aisle! There’s no way Owen can compete after this. The officials come out and get Jarrett off of Owen finally. Back in the ring, nothing is going on because everyone sucks….except The Rock. Bradshaw and Charlie go to throw Mosh out, but he survives. Here comes another entry…..
#10 – Steve Blackman
I wanted to like Steve Blackman. I really did. However, the guy was just soooooo damn boring. Blackman goes right after Charlie and hits him with some martial arts. Charlie almost goes out, but he survives because he has nine lives. 8-ball starts hitting him as soon as he rolls back in the ring and gives him a piledriver. The Rock and PIG are now choking Blackman with the ropes. Blackman turns the tables though and starts chopping PIG. Lawler informs us that it was Ken Shamrock who attacked Steve Austin backstage. Blackman is now on the verge of elimination but stays in. Here comes #11……
#11 – D-Lo Brown
D-Lo! This is D-Lo before his head really got shaking crazy unfortunately. D-Lo starts going after 8-ball immediately. Charlie is once again on the brink of elimination. Blackman and The Rock are pounding on each other in one corner. D-Lo hits the ropes and gets clotheslined by 8-ball. Charlie goes to throw 8-ball out but that’s a no go. D-Lo and Bradshaw are punching each other now. Now The Rock and D-Lo ARE HITTING EACH OTHER! Here comes another entry……
#12 – Kurrgan
Kurrgan is on his way and he looks pissed. At least I think he does. He only has one facial expression which is pissed, so I assume he’s angry. Mosh tries punching Kurrgan, but that don’t work. Kurrgan starts choking Bradshaw. Mosh starts punching Kurrgan in the corner and Kurrgan just lifts him out of the ring (elimination #3). Blackman tries to hit Kurrgan with a kick to the face, but he misses. Kurrgan makes him pay for that. 8-ball meanwhile nails PIG with a nut shot. Bradshaw tries suplexing Rock out of the ring but that’s a no go. Here comes lucky #13……
#13 – “Marvelous” Marc Mero
Marc Mero is here and he’s no longer a “Wildman”, but he’s “Marvelous”. Either way, he still sucks in my eyes. Mero goes right after Blackman and then Kurrgan comes over to intervene. Mero then talks Kurrgan into throwing Blackman over the ropes and he obliges (elimination #4). Kurrgan focuses his attention on Bradshaw now. Mero starts hitting Charlie with some punches and I’m shocked Chainsaw is still in this thing. The Rock is beating on his Nation of Domination partner D-Lo. And here comes another entry…..
#14 – Ken Shamrock
Shamrock comes out to a huge reaction. I was always a fan of Ken Shamrock’s WWE run. Shamrock goes one-on-one with Kurrgan and KNOCKS HIM DOWN! He grabs Kurrgan and EVERYONE IN THE RING COMES OVER TO HELP HIM ELIMINATE KURRGAN (elimination #5)!!! Kurrgan is pissed, but better luck next year buddy. Charlie is beating on Rock in the corner now. Bradshaw goes to whip D-Lo into the ropes, but there’s too many people in the ring right now. Let’s add another guy to the mix though……
#15 – Thrasher
More garbage. Great. Thrasher goes right after PIG. D-Lo is now choking The Rock and those two may have to go to counseling after this if they want to remain friends. Thrasher and Mero square off in the middle of the ring while the crowd chants “SABLE”. Mero is now dancing around showing off his impressive foot work. 8-ball rewards him by trying to eliminate him. It’s time for #16 to come down now…..
#16 – Mankind
Wait….what? Cactus Jack was already in this thing and now Mankind is in this thing? Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are just as confused as everyone. Mankind goes right after Chainsaw Charlie and eliminates him (elimination #6). Good run by Chainsaw Charlie tonight. Mankind turns his attention to The Rock now. Bradshaw is on the ring apron and is trying to suplex Thrasher out, but Thrasher reverses him. Shamrock and Rock are now trading punches in the corner! Shamrock goes to toss Rock out, but Rock is managing to hold on. Here comes #17…..
#17 – “The Artist Formerly Known As” Goldust
This was Goldust at his peak weirdness. It was still an underrated gimmick that Dustin played perfectly. Mankind immediately goes after Goldust and the two former friends are battling. Rock and Ken Shamrock are still exchanging punches. Mero starts dancing around in the middle of the ring again. The crowd boos him. Mero starts yelling at Sable for some reason. While all of that is happening, Goldust throws Mankind out of the ring (elimination #7) and something tells me we haven’t seen the last of him tonight. Goldust goes to throw Mero out of the ring, but Mero crawls back in. And another entry is headed on down now…..
#18 – Jeff Jarrett
Jeff Jarrett comes out and you might remember he attacked Owen Hart earlier tonight. We still haven’t seen Owen after that attack. Jarrett gets in the ring and goes right after Bradshaw. OWEN HART IS HERE!!!! HE GOES AFTER JARRETT!!!!! OWEN IS BEATING ON JARRETT NOW!!!!!! Owen hits Jarrett with a back heel kick. Owen goes off the ropes to hit Jarrett, but Jarrett moves and tries throwing Owen out. Owen saves himself though and flips back in the ring while Jarrett starts strutting. OWEN GRABS JARRETT AND THROWS HIM OUT AND THE CROWD GOES NUTS (elimination #8)!!!! HERE COMES ANOTHER ENTRY!!!!…….
#19 – Honky Tonk Man
Honky Tonk Man returns to the Royal Rumble after an almost 10-year absence! Meanwhile, HHH and Chyna are on their way down to the ring for some reason. Meanwhile, Rock grabs Ken Shamrock and throws him out (elimination #9)! Shamrock is obviously pissed about that one. HHH is apparently here to deal with Owen Hart. Chyna tries hitting Owen with one of HHH’s crutches, but Owen grabs it! Unfortunately HHH hits Owen with the other crutch and Owen goes flying out of the ring (elimination #10)! HHH continues beating on Owen with the crutch. HHH isn’t in the Royal Rumble, but he managed to make an impact. Here comes #20…..
#20 – Ahmed Johnson
Before Ahmed Johnson even hits the curtain, we see Owen Hart run back trying to chase HHH and he slips and falls behind the curtain. Ahmed takes his sweet ass time getting down to the ring. This guy was such a disappointment. PIG tries punching Ahmed, but he headbutts him. Ahmed now goes after D-Lo Brown. Goldust meanwhile tries eliminating the Honky Tonk Man while Jerry Lawler shouts “Ohhhh, my cousin! Errrrr, I mean….the Honky Tonk Man!” HAHAHA! And another entry is headed down…..
#21 – Mark Henry
This is Mark Henry when he was in the “Nation of Domination”, so right about when he started getting entertaining. Henry goes right after Ahmed because they hate him. We now have 3 members of the “NOD” in the ring with Rock, D-Lo, and Henry. Henry continues beating on Ahmed. Honky Tonk Man is once again on the brink of elimination thanks to PIG. He survives though. Ahmed is now wobbling around the ring. He’s probably tired already. Mark Henry throws powder in Ahmed’s eyes. Where the hell did that come from? Here comes #22…….
#22 – ???
No one comes out and Vince and Lawler are questioning whether or not this was actually “Stone Cold” Steve Austin’s spot and the rumors are true. Is Austin unable to compete tonight due to a sneak attack backstage? Henry and Ahmed are still going at it and D-Lo Brown comes over and they finally dump Ahmed (elimination #11). Team work pays off. PIG makes a huge mistake and grabs Henry. He tries hitting Henry with a big right, but Henry ducks and back drops him out of the ring (elimination #12). MARK HENRY OUT HERE KILLING PEOPLE! 8-ball is now going after Henry. Dumb move buddy. Ahmed and PIG are now brawling on the outside of the ring. Can’t wait to see that feud. D-Lo starts beating on Henry now. HEY MAN! YOU GUYS ARE FRIENDS! And it’s time for another entry…..
#23 – Kama
A fourth member of the “Nation of Domination”! Kama gives Ahmed Johnson a shove as Ahmed heads behind the curtain. Kama goes right after 8-ball. The Nation should just team up and throw everyone else out. Kama does the opposite and starts beating on D-Lo. D-Lo is now trying to eliminate Kama! C’MON MAN! Honky Tonk Man has Rock on the brink of elimination and the crowd enjoys that. Kama goes to throw Bradshaw out, but he survives. And here comes #24……
#24 – “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
STEVE AUSTIN! JERRY LAWLER’S SOURCES WERE WRONG!!! Everyone in the ring stops wrestling and just stares at the entrance ramp. AUSTIN COMES FROM BEHIND ALL OF THEM THOUGH! AUSTIN STARTS PUNCHING MERO AND HE GOES FLYING OUT (elimination #13)! EVERYONE STARTS GOING AFTER AUSTIN!!! AUSTIN THROWS 8-BALL OUT THOUGH (elimination #14)!!! Austin now grabs Thrasher and starts beating on him. D-Lo comes over and Austin gladly beats on him. Austin starts choking D-Lo with his vest now. Austin throws D-Lo into the corner using his vest. We get a camera shot of Mike Tyson getting hyped to see Steve Austin. It’s time for #25……
#25 – Henry O’Godwin
HOG is here and he’s no longer friendly. He’s a pissed off redneck. He goes right after Austin. HOG is just beating on Austin. Thrasher finally comes over and stops that beating. Austin and Thrasher are now beating on HOG. Henry throws Goldust into the corner. HOG is now on the ring apron and Austin has him on the verge of elimination. It’s time for #26 though…..
#26 – Savio Vega
Savio Vega runs down and he’s brought a bunch of his friends with him. The Los Boricuas aren’t actually in the Royal Rumble, but the four of them just start going to town on Austin. It doesn’t matter though because one-by-one, Austin tosses them out. It’s now Austin one-on-one with Savio and Austin almost gets a stunner but Savio dodges it. Henry grabs Austin now and starts choking him. Austin gives Goldust a nut shot now. Somehow Blackjack Bradshaw is still in this thing. Austin is choking Thrasher. And here comes another entry…..
#27 – Faarooq
We now have five members of the Nation of Domination in the ring with Faarooq, D-Lo, Rock, Henry, and Kama in the ring. Faarooq gives no fucks and starts HITTING EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF THE NATION OF DOMINATION! That’s one way to get your boys hyped up. He then goes after Austin and Austin and Rock end up on the outside of the ring where they start fighting. Rock throws Austin into the ringside steps. Faarooq is beating on D-Lo Brown in the corner. Jerry Lawler is insisting that Austin was eliminated, but Austin actually went through the middle rope. Rock is still attacking Austin on the outside. Rock finally gets back in the ring. Just as #28 is headed down……
#28 – Dude Love
And Mick Foley is back, but this time as Dude Love…..which is my personal favorite of all of his gimmicks. The Dudester goes right after Bradshaw and ends up throwing him out finally (elimination #15). Dude starts beating on HOG now. Goldust ends up on the outside somehow and now Austin is delivering a beating to him. Austin finally gets back in the ring. The Rock delivers a “PEOPLE’S ELBOW” to D-Lo Brown and Austin jumps on The Rock and starts punching his face! Austin is now choking Rock with the ropes. And here comes #29……
#29 – Chainz
Oh boy. This guy is forgettable. Faarooq just surprised everyone and dumped D-Lo Brown (elimination #16). So much for teaming up against everyone. Meanwhile Rock and Henry are exchanging blows in the corner. Chainz is hitting Goldust with some kicks in the corner. There is a shit ton of people in the ring right now. A lot of these guys have been in for way too long, and Chainz is one of them. Henry is beating on Austin. And it’s time for #30 to come out and of course it’s…….
#30 – Vader
BUSINESS HAS PICKED UP! If Vader doesn’t start tossing some of this dead weight, then I just don’t know. Vader goes right after Goldust and hits him with a clothesline. He then grabs Honky Tonk Man and it’s BYE BYE HONKY (elimination #17)! Good showing by the Honky Tonk Man though. Round of applause for him. Chainz grabs Austin and slams his head against the turnbuckle. He starts choking Austin with his foot. Vader sends Rock into the ropes and flattens him. Austin grabs Thrasher and finally throws him out (elimination #18). Kama comes over and starts hitting Austin, but Austin back drops him out of the ring (elimination #19)! Austin turns his attention to HOG now and the BEATDOWN IS ON! Until Savio Vega comes over and ends that. Vega goes for a piledriver, but Austin reverses it into a back drop. Vega goes to throw Austin out but he ends up paying the ultimate price when Austin flips things around and tosses his ass out instead (elimination #20)! Meanwhile Goldust clotheslines Vader out of the ring (elimination #21) and just like that I’m reminded of how shitty Vader’s WWE run was. Goldust then “Flair Flops” in the middle of the ring. HOG gets eliminated by Dude Love (elimination #22) and things are finally starting to get serious. Chainz throws Goldust out (elimination #23) and let’s give him a round of applause as well. Goldust had an impressive night all things considered. Chainz charges Austin in the corner, but Austin hits him with a boot. Austin then tosses him (elimination #24)! It’s now 3 members of the “Nation of Domination” vs. Austin & Dude Love! Nevermind. Faarooq hates Mark Henry for some reason and tosses him (elimination #25) AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!!
The Final Four:
Who wants it??????
It’s The Rock & Faarooq vs. Dude Love & Steve Austin now! Austin & Love are on one side of the ring while Faarooq and Rock are on the other. THE FIGHT IS ON! Austin goes after Rock while Dude goes after Faarooq. They whip the two NOD members into each other! SWEET SHIN MUSIC TO FAAROOQ! Austin grabs Dude Love though and whips him into the ropes! REVERSAL! MANDIBLE CLAW TO AUSTIN! Austin kicks Dude Love though! Faarooq takes that opportunity to throw Dude Love out of the ring (elimination #26) and it’s now two-on-one! Faarooq starts beating on Austin. Faarooq goes to eliminate “Stone Cold” now. The Rock meanwhile is just kicking back and relaxing. Well, until he runs over and dumps Faarooq (elimination #27). Sorry, Faarooq….you forgot the first rule of the Royal Rumble. IT’S AUSTIN VS. ROCK NOW AND THEY ARE THROWING PUNCHES! ROCK WHIPS AUSTIN INTO THE ROPES!!!! REVERSAL! AUSTIN THROWS ROCK OUT OF THE RING!!! ROCK IS ELIMINATED!!!! NO HE’S NOT!!!! ROCK IS BACK IN THE RING, BUT AUSTIN THINKS IT’S OVER!!! AUSTIN TURNS AROUND JUST IN TIME THOUGH!!!! STONE COLD STUNNER!!!!!!!!!!!! AUSTIN GRABS ROCK AND TOSSES HIM OUT (elimination #28)!!!!! STEVE AUSTIN WINS HIS SECOND STRAIGHT ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!!! Mike Tyson is hyped about Austin winning the Rumble and so is the crowd. We also see a young Shane McMahon cheering on “Stone Cold”. Oh boy, if you only knew Shane…if you only knew. Austin walks around the ring and celebrates as he’s now going to WrestleMania and fighting for the WWE title.
This Rumble was alright. It felt like the ring was way too crowded the entire time and I usually don’t like those Rumbles very much. When the ring gets too congested it’s hard for the wrestlers to do anything and it often just turns into a bunch of kicking and punching. This was one of those Rumbles. Luckily, the ending was pretty freaking awesome so that saves it from being a total bust. It’s worth the watch alone just to see the emergence of Austin and The Rock.
But wait….who was #22 then? (SPOILER: It was Skull of the DOA).
Royal Rumble Review Grade: **1/2