It’s 1994. The WWE is hitting rock-bottom due to a lack of star power and are still trying to find a suitable replacement for Hulk Hogan as far as a #1 guy is concerned. Business was awful around this time and there were genuine concerns that the WWE would never be able to rebound. But none of that really matters because we all know what ended up happening when it was all said and done. So anyway, let’s get to the 1994 Royal Rumble which has arguably the worst ending of all the Royal Rumbles…….
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 1994
Our first two entries are;
#1 – Scott Steiner
#2 – Samu
I still find it extremely odd that this version of Scott Steiner ends up turning into “Big Poppa Pump” in like five years. No one saw that one coming. Anyway, Samu enters the ring and they start brawling right away. Samu gets the advantage and has Steiner beat down in the corner now. Irish whip into the corner, but Steiner reverses it and hits Samu with a clothesline. Steiner goes to throw Samu out, but it’s a no go. Here comes the third entry…..
#3 – Rick Steiner
Ruh roh Raggy. I think Samu is in big big trouble. It’s perfect timing to because Scott Steiner is on the verge of elimination. Rick helps his brother obviously and the Steiner Brothers are beating on Samu in the corner now. Snap suplex to Samu from Scott while Rick just watches. They are just playing with Samu now. Here comes #4……
#4 – Kwang
Kwang comes down and in the meantime the Steiners go to throw Samu out, but his head gets wrapped up in the ropes. Ouch. He gets loose buts ends up getting eliminated (elimination #1). That’s OK though because Kwang is here to kick some ass. The Steiners don’t fight and wait for Kwang to hit the ring. Kwang spits mist into Rick’s eyes and Scott is pissed. Scott puts a beating on Kwang, but he’s still extremely concerned about his brother. Kwang takes advantage of this, but the advantage doesn’t last long. Rick Steiner could be blinded. We need to stop this match. Nevermind. Here comes another entry…..
#5 – Owen Hart
Owen Hart is coming down and he’s angry. This is right in the middle of one of the BEST storylines ever. Bret vs. Owen. “Brother vs. Brother”. Man, that was awesome. Anyway, Owen hits the ring and goes right after Rick of course. Kwang throws Scott into the corner and starts hitting him with chops. Owen now has Rick up in the air and is trying to throw him out. Rick is in big trouble and now he’s gone (elimination #2). Owen turns his attention to Scott now. A two-on-one beat down commences. And here comes another entry…..
#6 – Bart Gunn
Bart Gunn hits the ring and he’s on fire! He starts punching Owen right away and throws him into the corner. That doesn’t last long though as Owen eventually turns things around on him. Scott Steiner has Kwang on the brink of elimination. But now Vince is alerting us that they have to bring the cameras back to the locker room due to something going down. We DON’T go back to the locker room though for some reason. Scott Steiner has Owen Hart almost eliminated and the crowd goes crazy. Here comes #7 though…….
#7 – Diesel
This is before Diesel was worth a damn. He enters the ring and goes right after Kwang. I’m still wondering what the hell was going on back in the locker room that we never got to see? Owen punches Kwang, but Diesel attacks Owen from behind. Diesel is now abusing Bart Gunn and throws him out (elimination #3). Diesel just doesn’t give a shit right now and throws Scott Steiner out as well (elimination #4). He goes to throw Owen Hart out as well and its GOOD NIGHT OWEN (elimination #5)! The crowd LOVED that one! Kwang isn’t going to put up with this though. He whips Diesel into the ropes, but Diesel holds the rope and Kwang gets nothing but air. A clothesline sends Kwang right the hell out of the ring (elimination #6) AND DIESEL IS ON FIRE AND HAS CLEARED THE RING! I don’t know who #8 is, but I feel sorry for them……
#8 – Bob Backlund
Oh boy. Backlund was impressive in last year’s Royal Rumble, but he doesn’t have the best of luck against Diesel. However, he gets the upper hand against the big man and goes to eliminate him and almost does it! Diesel turns the tables on him though and it’s a short night for Backlund (elimination #7). These two would meet again in about 10 months when Diesel defeats Backlund to win the WWE title (SPOILER ALERT!!!!). Diesel is now asking for the next participant to come out. Who will it be???…….
#9 – Billy Gunn
Ya, good luck buddy. Billy Gunn runs down with his handlebar mustache and gets tossed immediately (elimination #8). That wouldn’t have happened had Gunn proclaimed his love for asses already, but unfortunately he was still playing cowboy with his brother. We finally get to see the footage that Vince was talking about earlier. Apparently Tenryu and Kabuki attacked Lex Luger backstage and Luger may not be able to compete in the Royal Rumble. Bummer deal. Meanwhile, Diesel is still waiting for someone to come out. He gets his wish as #10 is heading down…..
#10 – Virgil
Oh boy. I know how this is going to go. Diesel throws Virgil into the corner by the throat. Vince lets us know that Virgil is a substitute for Kamala, which is a shame because Kamala is so much better. Virgil finally gets the upper hand against Diesel, but that doesn’t last long of course. Diesel just scoops him up and throws him out (elimination #9). Can anyone stop this guy? It doesn’t look that way. Diesel is getting a lot of rest in between guys. And here comes another poor sucker…..
#11 – “Macho Man” Randy Savage
Oh, OK. Now IT’S ON! Savage gets to the ring and the crowd is lit for his arrival. Six minutes of watching Kevin Nash pick on mid-carders will do that to you. Savage starts hitting Diesel with some punches. Now he’s elbowing him in the corner. Some more punches and now Diesel is finally reeling! Savage goes for the corner elimination, but it doesn’t work out. He switches course and now tries throwing him out using the ropes, but that doesn’t work. It’s time for another entry…..
#12 – Jeff Jarrett
That’s J-E-Double F J-A-Double R-E-Double T in case you didn’t know. This may not be a popular opinion, but I was always a fan of Jeff Jarrett’s up until about 1999 or so. Jarrett enters the ring and starts bashing on Savage right away. He scoops him and slams him down on the mat. Jarrett hits the top rope and hits Savage with a knee now. Now he decides to strut because why the hell not? Jarrett goes to the ropes again and hits Savage with a punch. Diesel is resting in the corner meanwhile. Jarrett goes to throw Savage out and Savage ALMOST goes out. Jarrett starts strutting again but Savage pulls himself up and knees Jarrett from behind. He then grabs “Double J” and throws him out (elimination #10). Alrighty then. It’s time for lucky #13…..
#13 – Crush
Crush comes down and the crowd is JACKED! This is right after Crush turned heel and did so by beating up one of his “best friends” Randy Savage on RAW, even though I have no recollection of them ever being associated with each other before that storyline began. Crush hits the ring and Savage is waiting. The fight is ON! Savage starts punching Crush and hits him with a clothesline. Savage goes to the top rope now and hits him with a double axe handle. Diesel is STILL in the corner resting and let’s not forget that he didn’t do much besides throw some garbage out of the ring. Savage meanwhile picks up Crush and slams him. Savage goes to the top rope again and hits Crush with an axe handle again. Savage turns his attention to Diesel finally, but Crush makes sure that doesn’t last long. Crush picks up Savage and hits him with a backbreaker. And here comes #14……
#14 – Doink The Clown
OH GOD. In case you didn’t know (and you shouldn’t), I was a HUGE fan of Doink the Clown when he first entered the WWE. Heel Doink was one of the best gimmicks ever and Matt Borne played it perfectly. However, when the WWE made the character a face, it completely ruined everything about it. When they introduced “Dink The Clown” it only made it worse and unfortunately Dink is here with Doink. UGH. While Doink is making his entrance, Crush picks up Savage and throws him out (elimination #11). Diesel goes from behind Crush and tries throwing him out, but Crush is holding on. Doink is just laughing in the corner while Crush and Diesel fight on the other side of the ring. Crush and Diesel finally pay attention to Doink and Doink makes them pay for it. This won’t last long. Doink punches Crush and tries to pick up Diesel, but nope. It’s now two-on-one and things aren’t looking good for Doink. Here comes #15 though…..
#15 – Bam Bam Bigelow
Bam Bam Bigelow is making his Royal Rumble debut and shit has officially hit the fan. Bam Bam starts beating on Doink and did I mention that things aren’t looking good for Doink? Bam Bam lifts him over his head and throws him out of the ring (elimination #12). Oh well. That version of Doink sucks anyway. Crush and Diesel go up behind Bam Bam and try eliminating him. That doesn’t last long as Crush punches Diesel. Diesel and Crush are now hammering on Bam Bam. It’s time for another entry though…….
#16 – Mabel
Good luck getting this guy out! Mabel heads down to the ring and Diesel is waiting for him. Holy crap that was a shitty SummerSlam main event. Diesel and Mabel square off in the middle of the ring. Mabel hits Diesel with the big splash in the corner. Mabel turns his attention to Bam Bam now. Big splash in the corner to Crush now. Mabel just gives no shits and is in complete control. Just in time for another entry……
#17 – Thurman “Sparky” Plugg
And no one cares about Thurman “Sparky” Plugg until he becomes Hardcore Holly. Sorry, but it’s true. Plugg hits the ring and goes right after Crush. Crush makes him pay for it though. Bam Bam is now trading blows with Mabel. Crush and Bam Bam start double-teaming Mabel until Bam Bam betrays Crush. Crush almost gets eliminated, but sneaks back in. And here comes another WWE superstar…..
#18 – Shawn Michaels
Business has picked up! Shawn Michaels comes in and right away has a face off with his bodyguard Diesel. Michaels goes up on the top rope to escape from Diesel, but the two shake hands. Diesel then gets attacked by EVERYONE in the ring. Diesel is now on the brink of elimination and GOES OUT WITH THE HELP OF HIS BUDDY HBK (elimination #13)! Diesel had such a good run to. It’s too bad that’s likely the last we’ll ever see of him. Michaels starts throwing punches with Plugg. Diesel gets a huge reaction from the crowd as he goes back to the locker room and the fans start chanting his name. It’s time for #19 to hit the ring…..
#19 – Mo
Mabel’s partner “Mo”. Mo comes in and starts beating on Crush and Bam Bam right away. He now has Michaels on the verge of elimination. Men on a Mission team up and destroy Bam Bam Bigelow in the corner. It’s time for another entry though…..
#20 – Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
After a multi-year absence, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine returns to the Royal Rumble and he looks as old as ever. He gets into the ring and goes right after Mabel. Not exactly the best strategy. He’s now trying to eliminate Bam Bam Bigelow in the corner. Mabel now has Plugg on the verge of elimination, but that doesn’t happen. Holy crap there is a ton of trash in the ring right now. Mabel and Plugg are double-teaming Valentine and the crowd is popping for it. It’s time for yet another entry…..
#21 – Tatanka
Tatanka and HBK start trading blows right away. Mabel is now holding Tatanka while HBK punches. Tatanka moves though and Michaels hits Mabel. Valentine comes over and starts chopping HBK now. Valentine has Michaels on the verge of elimination, but Shawn is a sneaky bastard and manages to stay in. Crush is still in the ring and comes over to choke Valentine. #22 is now headed down and it’s……
#22 – Great Kabuki
OK. Whatever. Kabuki enters the ring just in time for everyone to try throwing Mabel out. Meanwhile, Mabel’s tag team partner is hurting over in the corner. They finally succeeded and it’s GOODBYE MABEL (elimination #14)! That was the only way that guy was going out. Michaels is once again on the brink of elimination. However, we are getting another entry…..
#23 – Lex Luger
Luger comes out and the crowd pops huge! Luger starts beating on Kabuki right away and he doesn’t give a shit because he starts punching everyone around him. He then grabs Kabuki and throws his worthless ass out (elimination #15). Luger delivers a huge clothesline to Michaels now. He then goes and starts beating on Crush. Mo comes from behind hits Luger and that was a dumb move. Luger makes him pay for it. Luger now turns his attention to Bam Bam and hits him with a big clothesline. Crush finally turns the tables on Luger. Here comes #24 though….
#24 – Tenryu
For the second year in a row, Tenyru is in the Royal Rumble. And for the second year in a row, I don’t give a shit. Tenryu goes right after Luger and Luger isn’t having it. Valentine and Michaels are now trying to eliminate Tatanka. Tenryu gets the upper hand against Luger and maybe the guy isn’t as bad as I thought he was? Michaels is almost out again and the crowd loves that. It’s time for #25 and it’s……
#25 – ????
No one comes out. Yep. Apparently Bastion Booger was supposed to be #25, but he didn’t compete because he didn’t feel good. That pretty much sums up this Royal Rumble. The one guy I really wanted to see and he’s not competing because he’s sick. That’s bullshit. Anyway, back to our regular scheduled programming. Michaels has Luger almost out, but Luger manages to survive. There is a whole lot of action going on right now and the only thing we’re missing is Bastion Booger. It’s time for #26 to hit the ring and it’s….
#26 – Rick “The Model” Martel
One of the best at the Royal Rumble, Rick “The Model” Martel! Martel goes right after Mo who has no business still being in the ring. Is someone big coming out soon because there is A LOT of trash in the ring at the moment? Tatanka and Luger are throwing hard punches and the crowd eats that one up. All in due time folks. It’s time for another entry though because that’s what we need……
#27 – Bret “The Hitman” Hart
IT’S “THE HITMAN”! Bret Hart limps down to the ring after the beating he suffered from his brother Owen earlier in the night. He gets in the ring and immediately gets beaten on by Crush. Crush is now going after Bret’s bad knee in the corner. He decides to headbutt Thurman Plugg just for good reason. Why is HE still in the ring for god’s sake? Here comes yet ANOTHER entry……
#28 – Fatu
Jesus. The crap just keeps coming. No offense to Fatu. Can Diesel come out again and clear this ring? Fatu comes in and starts beating on Luger right away. He then decides to go after Mo. Luger has Crush on the verge of elimination and for christ’s sake, just do it already. Bam Bam Bigelow decides to give Luger the assist as does Bret Hart. It works because CRUSH IS GONE BABY (elimination #16)! Just in time for another entry to hit the ring though…..
#29 – Marty Jannetty
Marty Jannetty comes out to a huge reaction which I just never understood. Him and Michaels start trading blows right away and the CROWD GOES NUTS! The only thing better than “The Rockers” was “The Rockers break-up and feud”! Michaels and Jannetty are just going at it right now. Michaels goes for some “Sweet Chin Music” but Jannetty moves and hits Michaels with some instead! Michaels gets up though and hits Jannetty with a suplex. It’s time for #30 and of course it’s…….
#30 – Adam Bomb
Vince says Adam Bomb is going to win the Royal Rumble, but I beg to differ. The ring is filled with crap right now and Adam Bomb is the freshest turd to hit the pile. He goes right after Thurman Plugg. Martel and Valentine are going at it and I’m not sure why they are still in it. Michaels FINALLY does everyone a favor and tosses Plugg (elimination #17)! Bomb and Tatanka are squaring off in the middle of the ring. Michaels has Bret Hart on the brink of elimination. Don’t screw him over HBK. You’ll regret it. Adam Bomb goes to throw Martel out, but Martel survives. Him and Valentine then team up to take out Bomb. Bomb and Hart are now trading punches in the corner. There’s just too many guys still in the ring to concentrate on anything. Tatanka and Hart once again have Michaels almost out of the ring, but he’s clinging on for dear life. Yep, he manages to survive. Fatu hits Jannetty with a savate kick while Martel and Valentine hug each other. This is fucking boring as shit. Martel and Valentine eventually end up in a corner and Valentine is eliminated in one of the stupidest eliminations I’ve ever seen (elimination #18). Martel then turns his attention to Tatanka, but he’s quickly tossed out of the ring for his trouble as well (elimination #19) and FINALLY people are flying out! Adam Bomb goes to hit Luger, but Luger moves and Bomb goes right out of the ring (elimination #20). Good showing buddy. Fatu does the world a favor and kicks Mo out of the ring as well (elimination #21) AND WE ARE FINALLY GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS! Jannetty and Michaels start squaring off again. Bam Bam hates everyone and throws Tatanka into the audience (elimination #22). Not really, but it was close. Jannetty hits Michaels with a clothesline while Fatu beats on Bret in the corner. Bam Bam goes for a big splash on Luger in the corner, but Luger moves and it’s GOODNIGHT BAM BAM (elimination #23)!!! Meanwhile, Michaels finally gets Jannetty out (elimination #24) and we are getting down to the nitty gritty here. Hart is beating on Tenryu until Fatu comes over to help him. Fatu and Michaels then whip Tenryu into the corner, but he reverses it and sends them flying. Tenryu then goes for the sneak attack on Luger and has him reeling until Hart comes over to help him. They both team up and throw Tenryu out finally (elimination #25) AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!!
The Final Four:
Who wants it??????
WHY THE HELL IS FATU IN THE FINAL FOUR? Seriously Vince. Tenryu tries to get back in the ring, but let’s get him the fuck out of here. Michaels goes to throw Hart out, but that doesnt’ work out. Hart reverses it and Michaels is once again almost out. Meanwhile, Fatu hits Luger with a kick to the face. Fatu is now in control as everyone is laid out. Fatu hits the top rope and nails Luger. Michaels comes over and the two try to suplex Luger out of the ring. Lex survives though and kills the both of them. Luger hits Fatu with the ILLEGAL FOREARM and he’s hurting. Fatu is now going after Bret while Michaels goes after Luger. AND AT THE SAME TIME, LUGER AND HART SEND FATU AND MICHAELS RIGHT THE HELL OUT OF THE RING! (eliminations 26 & 27)!!! OK!!! THAT WAS KIND OF COOL! It’s Luger vs. Bret now! Bret is still limping because he’s the king of selling. Luger and Bret throw punches in the middle of the ring. Luger picks up Bret to throw him out AND THEY BOTH GO OUT! Everyone is confused as to who won the match. Even Vince McMahon himself has no idea what’s going on. The referees are talking and if this goes anything like the NFL does, this is going to be a mess. Yes it is. One ref is saying that Lex Luger won while the other ref is saying Bret Hart won. The smart thing to do would be to have them just go back in the ring and do it again, but when has anyone accused the WWE of being smart? The refs are now in the ring arguing while Luger and Bret both celebrate their victory. WWF President Jack Tunney comes down to the ring and announces that both men win the Royal Rumble. Well, that’s fucking stupid.
This whole thing sucks, except for the part where Diesel finally becomes a household name. Skip it otherwise.
Royal Rumble Review Grade: *