Happy Holidays To The NFL

Holiday time is here. It’s one of the best times of the the year every year. You get to see your wonderful family members. There’s something in the air that tends to make SOME people nicer in general. And of course….you get stuff that you usually need in the form of presents.

It’s a great tradition regardless of what you celebrate. Why? BECAUSE PRESENTS ARE AWESOME!!!!!

Presents are so awesome that I have completely gone out of my way and blown off all of my friends and relatives and instead went ahead and picked out 32 gifts for every single NFL team.

Yes, my wife might be divorcing me because I ignored her this Christmas, but WHO CARES AS LONG NFL TEAMS ARE GETTING WHAT THEY NEED!

Am I right?

So here we are. 32 NFL teams. 32 gifts. It’s what these teams are dying for this holiday season…..

 

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Arizona Cardinals

Merry Christmas Arizona, you get a…….BRAND NEW QB!

The Cardinals were supposed to be one of the best teams in the league this year, but they were a big disappointment. A big reason why was the mediocre play of Carson Palmer this season. Palmer’s numbers were down all across the board which should be an alarming cause for concern going forward for this franchise. It’s time to move on from the 36-year old who should either contemplate retirement or be one of the best back-up QB’s in the league. His time as a reliable starter is over.

Atlanta Falcons

Merry Christmas Atlanta, you get a……..AN IMPROVED DEFENSE!

The Falcons are one of the surprise teams of the NFL this season. At 10-5, they currently are in first place in the NFC South and a return to the playoffs looks inevitable. However, just because Atlanta makes the playoffs, doesn’t make them a legit Super Bowl contender. The reason they may not be a legit Super Bowl contender is that they still have an average defense statistically. Sure, the Falcons have looked better on defense at times this season, but they are essentially on pace to finish the same statistically as they did last season. That’s not a good sign, especially for a team with potential Super Bowl hopes. Don’t be surprised if the defense is the reason these guys get bounced from the playoffs early.

Baltimore Ravens

Merry Christmas Baltimore, you get a………NEW PERSONALITY!

The Ravens are a boring team. Look at them. Outside of Steve Smith and Terrell Suggs, this team is filled with a bunch of guys with bland personalities that no one knows. Let’s inject some new life into Baltimore by giving every single player an outspoken personality. If that were to happen, Baltimore would probably be getting a little more hype than they have been getting because the mainstream press wouldn’t stop talking about them. Instead the Ravens are likely the most boring team in the NFL. Good? Sure. But fucking REALLLLLLLLY boring.

Buffalo Bills

Merry Christmas Buffalo, you get a………NEW HEAD COACH!

Rex Ryan is an awful NFL head coach. Everyone seems to know that, except the people who own the Buffalo Bills. It’s high time for Rex Ryan to get fired and never be a head coach anywhere again. The guy is a great defensive coordinator, but an awful guy to have in charge. Get with the times Buffalo.

Carolina Panthers

Merry Christmas Carolina, you get a……..TIME MACHINE!

Remember last season? That was pretty sweet, wasn’t it? Starting out the season 14-0 before losing your first game of the season to the Falcons in week 16. That was pretty damn impressive and it all culminated in the franchise’s second Super Bowl appearance. Unfortunately that’s where everything fell apart. Denver brought an ass whooping to the Panthers front door and they weren’t prepared. That game has seemingly ruined Cam Newton as he has regressed at an alarming rate this season and now there are rumors that Ron Rivera might bolt town and go to the Los Angeles Rams. This thing got ugly quick. Let’s go back in time and hit the reset button.

Chicago Bears

Merry Christmas Chicago, you get a………NEW FRANCHISE QB!

You know how long Jay Cutler has been with the Chicago Bears? EIGHT GRUELING SEASONS! Bears fans have had to put up with Cutler’s stupid facial expressions and his horrible on-the-field play for almost a decade now and the franchise can finally move on after this season. That’s great news for everyone involved. Unfortunately for Chicago, they don’t really have anyone in place to take over for Cutler. Matt Barkley has played good in spurts this season, but history suggests that won’t last. The Bears need a young guy who could potentially lead this franchise for the next decade. Merry Christmas Chicago. I’m giving you one.

Cincinnati Bengals

Merry Christmas Cincinnati, you get a…….NEW HEAD COACH! 

Marvin Lewis sucks. That’s been pretty much established by now. If you’ve been coaching in the NFL for a decade and you have ZERO playoff wins, you are an awful head coach. It’s time for Lewis to hit the road in Cincinnati and it’s time for a young guy to come in and rejuvenate this talented roster. Sometimes a little change is good. It’s time for some change in Cincinnati.

Cleveland Browns

Merry Christmas Cleveland, you get……..NOTHING!

Browns fans don’t need anything. Why? Because they just got their first win of the season on Christmas Eve and everything is sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows in Cleveland now. These guys are no longer going 0-16 and will no longer go down in NFL infamy as one of the worst teams ever. That’s a Christmas present in itself.

Dallas Cowboys

Merry Christmas Dallas, you get a………SUPER BOWL TITLE!

Out of all the teams in the NFL this season (minus the New England Patriots at times), the Dallas Cowboys have arguably looked like the best overall team from head-to-toe. The problem with these guys is no one can really trust them come playoff time (Dallas is 2-7 in the playoffs since 1996). We’ve seen this script from the Cowboys before and we are all expecting the same ending. However, what if the Cowboys are able to get the playoff monkey off their back and run the table and win the whole thing? Wouldn’t that be an amazing Christmas present for the bandwagon Cowboys fans? Kill us now.

Denver Broncos

Merry Christmas Denver, you get a………BRAND NEW QB!

Denver is a pretty good NFL team. They are extremely talented on defense, but the offense has taken a big time step back this season. A big reason for that is Denver’s QB Trevor Siemian is the pure definition of average. Yes, he looked decent at the beginning of the season but we all know how that goes. NFL defensive coordinators get their hands on some actual game tape and they figure the guy out. It happens all the time. Siemian is not a good NFL starting QB and you’re kidding yourself if you think otherwise. Denver needs a gunslinger and they are getting one on Christmas.

Detroit Lions

Merry Christmas Detroit, you get a……….DIVISION TITLE!

The Lions are right there! For the first time since the early 1990’s, the Detroit Lions are in position to win the NFC North division title. It could happen people. Unfortunately for the Lions, the Packers are right on their heels and we all know how that’s going to end. Not on this Christmas though! Oh no! It’s a Christmas miracle people! The Lions are getting their first division title since TGIF was popular. Suck it Packers!

Green Bay Packers

Merry Christmas Green Bay, you get a………CORNERBACK!

Green Bay’s secondary is absolute garbage and that may be putting it nicely. If you cruise on over to ProFootballFocus.com, you get a really good idea of just how bad Green Bay’s corners are. Here are the Packers corners grades right now at this very moment:

Ladarius Gunter (75.9 grade, ranked 54th among NFL corners)

Quinten Rollins (70.0 grade, ranked 80th among NFL corners)

Micah Hyde (69.2 grade, ranked 83rd among NFL corners)

Damarious Randall (38.3 grade, ranked 115th among NFL corners)

There ya go. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see that Green Bay’s secondary is filled with garbage.

Houston Texans

Merry Christmas Houston, you get a………TIME MACHINE!

Something tells me if the Houston Texans could, they would build a time machine, go back in time to last off-season and NEVER EVER EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT SIGNING BROCK OSWEILER! Holy crap was that a stupid move or what? The Texans should have had a red flag when Denver didn’t even bother to try and keep Osweiler, but they ignored it. It’s pretty aparent that Osweiler can’t play in the NFL and unfortunately for the Texans….he’s going to be on the roster for the next few seasons eating up cap space. Yuck.

Indianapolis Colts

Merry Christmas Indianapolis, you get an……..OFFENSIVE LINE!

To me, it’s amazing that the Colts were even in the playoff mix this year. That team is so devoid of talent, it’s ridiculous. The only reason they were even in the playoff hunt at all this season was because of Andrew Luck. Now, imagine what Luck could do if he had an offensive line like the one they have in Dallas. There were PLENTY of times this season where Luck would dropback to throw a pass and the defender would already be down his throat. If Andrew Luck actually had time to make plays and better decisions with the ball, the Colts would be one of the best teams in the NFL and would be extremely difficult to beat. That would be a scary thought.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Merry Christmas Jacksonville, you get a……..WINNING SEASON!

You know how long it’s been since the Jacksonville Jaguars have had a winning season? 2007! That’s almost a decade of suckiness in Jacksonville! It’s time for that streak to end. Let’s give the Jaguars a nice young hot shot head coach (not named Tom Coughlin!), a new franchise QB, and watch the team get it’s first winning season since The Sopranos was still on the air.

Kansas City Chiefs

Merry Christmas Kansas City, you get a……….BUNCH OF SUPER BOWL TITLES!

I’m a Chiefs fan. Screw you guys. This is what they deserve.

Los Angeles Rams

Merry Christmas Los Angeles, you get……..JIM HARBAUGH!

Look, it’s not going to happen anytime soon because Harbaugh is happy right now in Michigan. However, we all know Harbaugh is going to jump back to the NFL at some point. The allure of the big leagues is too hard to resist and some NFL team is going to come calling with a ridiculous offer and he’ll take it. He’s already been successful in the NFL and he could do it again. It’s my opinion that the Rams job would be perfect for him. It would bring Harbaugh back to California where he already has coaching ties. It would give him a young QB to help groom, a young stud running back, and a defense that has talent, but needs some guidance. This is a perfect fit in my eyes, so let’s make it happen.

Miami Dolphins

Merry Christmas Miami, you get a……….NICE PLAYOFF RUN!

The Miami Dolphins are probably going to make the playoffs this year for the first time in about eight years. They are also likely going to get bounced from either the first-round of the playoffs or the divisional round of the playoffs, because this team can’t get away from their own shadow. You know how long it’s been since the Dolphins have gotten past the divisional round in the playoffs? 1992! Yes, I said 1992!!! That’s insane! What if this year, the Dolphins somehow squeak into the conference championship and surprise the NFL? Merry Christmas Miami. Let’s make it happen.

Minnesota Vikings

Merry Christmas Minnesota, you get a…….HEALTHY TEDDY BRIDGEWATER!

Minnesota’s season was over before it even began this year. When franchise QB Teddy Bridgewater went out with an injury in the pre-season, Vikings fans started hitting the panic button. When Minnesota flipped a first-round pick for “floppy sleeves” Sam Bradford, Vikings fans started slamming down the panic button. Let’s go back in time and fix that. Instead of losing out on both a franchise QB and a first-round pick, let’s give Bridgewater some new legs. As of this moment, it looks like he might even miss next season if he even ever recovers. That’s a scary thought. Not anymore though. With his new bionic legs, Bridgewater will tear up the league.

New England Patriots

Merry Christmas New England, you get……….JACK SHIT!

You know how it’s impossible to buy Christmas gifts for rich people because they can literally buy the world if they want to? That’s how it is with New England. There’s no reason to give these guys anything. They already have everything that every other NFL team wants. And by that, I mean Bill Belichick and Tom Brady.

New Orleans Saints

Merry Christmas New Orleans, you get………A DEFENSE!

The New Orleans Saints are currently sitting at 7-8 on the season. That’s not bad. Now, just think of how good the Saints would be if they had ANY kind of a defense. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about. Let’s take a look at how the Saints defense has finished the last few seasons:

2016 (on pace to finish with the 25th ranked defense)

2015 (finished 31st in the league)

2014 (finished 31st in the league)

See what I mean? For the past 3 seasons, the Saints have had one of the worst defenses in the NFL. Buzz, your girlfriend? Woof.

New York Giants

Merry Christmas New York, you get………..A RAZOR!

The Giants are the only team that will receive an actual present that some people are getting this Christmas. You know what New York needs the most? A razor for head coach Ben McAdoo. McAdoo has done a fine job this season with the Giants, but we can’t take him serious when he looks like a guy who could potentially end up on a TV show where Chris Hansen is waiting for him in a sting house. Either get rid of the ‘stache or have the entire team grow one exactly like it. That’s the world I want to live in.

New York Jets

Merry Christmas New York, you get a………BRAND NEW QB!

The Jets are exceptionally awful this season. After a nice surprise run last year, the Jets have taken an alarming step back and a big reason why is because of the QB position. The Jets may have the worst QB situation in the NFL and that’s saying a lot. Ryan Fitzpatrick is smart garbage. Bryce Petty sucks. And Geno Smith is miserable. The Jets need a new signal-caller and a franchise QB who can get the job done. Enough with the silly antics. It’s time for a new era in New York.

Oakland Raiders

Merry Christmas Oakland, you get……..A HEALTHY DEREK CARR!

This was a dream season so far for the Raiders. After years of embarrassment in the NFL, the Raiders had finally turned a page and got this sucker fixed. Not only are the Raiders returning to the playoffs for the first time in almost 15 years, but they are in a fight with New England over the #1 seed in the AFC. Not anymore. The season is over. After franchise QB Derek Carr went out with a leg injury in a Christmas Eve game, we can go ahead and stick a fork in these guys. But hey, we can all fantasize about what could have been had Carr managed to stay healthy. They probably still couldn’t beat the Chiefs, but that’s a story for a different day.

Philadelphia Eagles

Merry Christmas Philadelphia, you get……..A WIDE RECEIVER!

One of the biggest surprises of the season was perhaps the play of Eagles QB Carson Wentz. Even though he wasn’t a world -beater this year, the guy looks like he’s capable of playing in the league for years to come. What the guy really needs though is an elite wide receiver. You know what I’m talking about. A guy who can actually get open, gain over 1,000 receiving yards a season, catch 10-15 touchdown passes a year, and make the QB’s life easier. The Eagles don’t currently have a guy like that on their roster. They need one bad.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Merry Christmas Pittsburgh, you get………..A BRAND NEW YOUNG QB!

This isn’t a knock on Ben Roethlisberger, who I’m still a big fan of. Unfortunately for Steelers fans, Roethlisberger is on the down side of his career, has missed a lot of games due to injuries and that’s only going to get worse as time progresses. It’s time for Pittsburgh to start thinking of the future. The Steelers need a young guy who they can groom to help replace Big Ben when he calls it a career. They don’t currently have that guy on the roster. Problem solved.

San Diego Chargers

Merry Christmas San Diego, you get a…………TIME MACHINE!

You all just lost to the 0-14 Cleveland Browns. Something tells me you would love to build a time machine and take that miserable pain away. If not, you should.

San Francisco 49ers

Merry Christmas San Francisco, you get a…………LOT OF DIFFERENT SHIT!

The 49ers are a wasteland of NFL talent right now. They are easily the least talented roster in the NFL and that says a lot when you have a team like the 1-14 Cleveland Browns around.

Seattle Seahawks

Merry Christmas Seattle, you get………AN OFFENSIVE LINE!

The Seahawks are a really good NFL team. With an elite offensive line like the Dallas Cowboys have though, the Seahawks would easily go 16-0 and win the Super Bowl. That’s a damn scary thought for the rest of the NFL. Let’s all thank god the Seahawks have one of the worst offensive lines in the league.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Merry Christmas Tampa Bay, you get………..AN IMPROVED DEFENSE!

The Buccaneers have been one of the most surprising teams of the NFL this season. What’s scary to me though is, what if the Buccaneers had a better defense? Can you imagine how scary this team would be? They are already loaded on offense, but unfortunately they still have the 26th ranked defense in the NFL at the moment. They’ve been playing better in recent weeks, but what if this team had an elite defense? That’s a sure fire Super Bowl contender right there.

Tennessee Titans

Merry Christmas Tennessee, you get………A HEALTHY MARCUS MARIOTA!

Speaking of surprise NFL teams this year. Look no further than the Tennessee Titans. The Titans were widely expected to be one of the worst teams in the league, but they shocked everyone so far. A big reason the Titans were still in the playoff hunt in week 16 of the NFL season was because of franchise QB Marcus Mariota. Unfortunately though, Mariota went out with a leg injury in yesterday’s game and that puts a bow on the magical season the team was having. Yes, it was extremely heart breaking for everyone, but we can fix this with a little Christmas magic!

Washington Redskins

Merry Christmas Washington, you get…….AN IMPROVED DEFENSE!

The Redskins are currently ranked 29th in the NFL in total defense this season. You don’t need to be a scholar to know that’s not very good at all. At 8-6-1 on the season, the Redskins will just miss the playoffs. With a better defense though, these guys would have made the playoffs. I know it’s true. You know it’s true. And girl you know it’s true.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAY!!!!!!!

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