The Legend of Dontari Poe

Dontari Poe is the talk of the football world these days, but not much is known about the past of the 6’3 346 pound wrecking machine that’s leading the Kansas City Chiefs towards the top of the National Football League. I’ve been following Dontari’s career since Day One, so allow me to fill you in on the life & times of the largest man to ever score an NFL offensive touchdown.

Here are some of the stories I’ve gathered over the years…some may or may not be true, but everything is plausible when it comes to Dontari Poe.

August 14, 1990:  Dontari is born in Memphis, Tennessee. The doctor that performed the labor procedure tries to cut the umbilical cord. Dontari gives him a glare, takes the scissors & cuts it himself. He then slaps the doctor for good measure.

December 6, 1991: Dontari says his first words: “Google me.” His family doesn’t understand this until years later.

August 14, 1993: The Poe family rejoices as Dontari’s “terrible twos” are over. Most kids are complete brats when they’re two, but not all of them can wreck stuff to the degree little Dontari can. The Poes went through five cars, three dishwashers & two television sets during Dontari’s destructive phase.

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June 4, 1994: Dontari’s mother takes her sons to the Mid-South Coliseum for a night of  USWA action, featuring “Hot Stuff” Eddie Gilbert in the main event against Jerry “The King” Lawler. Front row seats, since her sons have been so good this year. Gilbert, the classic Southern heel that he is, rides the ringside fans pretty hard that evening and starts talking smack to Mama Poe. Dontari, just shy of four years old at this point, gets up in Gilbert’s face and tells him in no uncertain terms not to mess with his mother, or he would suffer the consequences.

Eddie Gilbert leaves the USWA after this night and never sets foot in Memphis again.

December 25, 1995: Angered that he didn’t get a Sony Playstation for Christmas, Dontari picks up the Christmas tree & chases his family down the street.

September 7, 1996: It’s recess time at Whitehaven Elementary and kids are picking teams for a football game. Dontari is obviously the first picked due to his size, and he proves himself rather quickly. After dragging half the first grade into the end zone with him on the very first play, teachers ban him from future football games for the safety of the other children.

Discouraged from playing football or other sports, Dontari turns to music. He masters the guitar, drums, xylophone, glockenspiel & trombone, becoming the heart of his elementary & middle school bands & gaining the admiration of all around him with his big heart & jolly nature.

July 5, 2004:  Dontari practices with the Wooddale High School band across the field from football practice. Football coach Cedric Miller notices Dontari, because it’s tough not to, and tells him to report to football practice instead the next day. Because he was bigger than his entire offensive line.

July 6, 2004: Dontari picks up right where he left off eight years later, immediately becoming the best player on the field. He also gets noticed by the track coach after chucking the quarterback into the bleachers. He gets introduced to the shot put and immediately breaks the school record. Over the next four years Dontari dominates the gridiron & the track, taking countless awards & making countless kids reconsider the whole sports thing.

April 17, 2007: Dontari attends his junior prom. In related news, the entire female half of the junior class loses their virginity.

February 6, 2008: Dontari commits to the University of Memphis, becoming the biggest star to commit to Memphis since Jerry Lawler.

December 23, 2011: Poe declares for the NFL Draft. The Tigers were dismal during his time there, only managing a 5-31 record during Poe’s three seasons. The constant losing got under Dontari’s skin, motivating him to get into the weight room every morning & every night, working out constantly so he could leave Memphis & make that NFL money for his family.

As a University of Louisville fan, it makes sense to me that the crappiness of the Memphis Tigers would motivate a great man like Dontari Poe to better himself.

February 22, 2012: The NFL Combine begins, and by its end date Dontari Poe would be on every NFL team’s radar. He completes the 40-yard dash in 4.98 seconds. Leigh Mayock’s father Mike moves Dontari to the #1 slot among defensive tackles. U.S. President Barack Obama comments on Dontari’s performance in a podcast. Warren Sapp says he sees a little bit of himself in Poe. Eventually the “experts” watch some Memphis tape and downgrade Poe’s draft stock, but those of us that know Memphis isn’t very good and sucks the life out of people just figure that Poe will do better in the pros.

April 24, 2012: I do an NFL Draft Preview podcast with Jeremy Lambert. Neither of us remembers anything about this except at some point Dontari Poe’s name came up and I dubbed him “The Shitclogger” because he would clog shit up on the line and make it impossible for teams to run the ball against him. I’m told that small sections of fans at Arrowhead Stadium chant “Shitclogger” to this day.

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April 26, 2012: Dontari is drafted 11th by Dustin James’s Kansas City Chiefs. I tell Dustin that his team just won the draft. He’s skeptical because the Chiefs never win anything, and he didn’t know Memphis had a college football team. Commissioner Roger Goodell knows the league is in trouble when Dontari gives him the kiss of death.

September 9, 2012: Dontari makes his first start at nose tackle for the Chiefs. He will start every game in a 2-14 season for Kansas City and be named Chiefs’ Rookie of the Year.

January 26, 2014: Dontari makes his first Pro Bowl appearance. He will return to the Pro Bowl in 2015 as well.

November 22, 2015: Dontari becomes the heaviest man to ever score a touchdown in the NFL, on a 1-yard run against the San Diego Chargers.

October 16, 2016: Dontari returns to the end zone, this time on a passing play against the Oakland Raiders.

The legend of Dontari “The Shitclogger” Poe grows with every passing week. My prediction is it’ll end in Canton, Ohio some twenty years or so down the road & I’ll be telling Dustin & Jeremy during our live HOF coverage for Fox Sports 9 about how I knew he’d be a Hall of Famer all along.

 

One thought on “The Legend of Dontari Poe

  1. Pingback: NFL Week Six: Let Me Tell You How You’re Feeling – The Ultimate Sports Blog

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