“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.
Arizona Cardinals: We get to play San Francisco every week, right?
Atlanta Falcons: Beat the NFC Champs. Beat the Super Bowl Champs. Where is our ring?
Baltimore Ravens: What happened to that third place schedule?
Buffalo Bills: Feeling ashamed that you ever doubted Rex Ryan for firing the offensive coordinator.
Carolina Panthers: This.
Chicago Bears: Dear Kristin Cavalleri, we’re really sorry about the way we’ve treated your husband over the years. He wasn’t that bad. P.S. We love Laguna Beach.
Cincinnati Bengals: Fire Marvin Lewis. And I’m not sure these feelings will change until he’s actually fired.
Cleveland Browns: *takes another shot*
Dallas Cowboys: You find it funny that the Cowboys have always been about having stars, and now you’re winning with a no-name defense, a rookie quarterback and running back, an offensive line, and no receivers.
Denver Broncos: I guess that’s why Trevor Siemian won the starting job.
Detroit Lions: You’ve been diagnosed with split personality disorder.
Green Bay Packers: Preparing a cold reception for Dak Prescott.
Houston Texans: Maybe we should have known this Brock guy wasn’t any good when he was replaced by Peyton Manning.
Indianapolis Colts: If we all donate just $1, we can field a defense that’s as good as our offense.
Jacksonville Jaguars: A week off and now a vacation? That’s the life.
Kansas City Chiefs: Scared. Scared of the Raiders.
Los Angeles Rams: Looking ahead at the schedule and trying to figure out if there’s any way in hell that you don’t go 8-8.
Miami Dolphins: You know what blows harder than a hurricane? Ryan Tannehill.
Minnesota Vikings: So we gave up the 32nd pick in the draft for Sam Bradford. We can easily get a top 20 pick for Teddy Bridgewater. WE WON THE TRADE!
New England Patriots: Please don’t let Tom get hurt. Please don’t let Tom get hurt. Please don’t let Tom get hurt.
New Orleans Saints: Tabulating how many passing yards Drew Brees should have against the Panthers this weekend. Over/Under 550?
New York Giants: What good is a Bugatti with no steering wheel?
New York Jets: Maybe if we get Alshon Jeffrey, that’ll put us over the top.
Oakland Raiders: Training to beat up Chiefs fans.
Philadelphia Eagles: UNDEFEATED! CARSON WENTZ IS NEVER LOSING A GAME!
Pittsburgh Steelers: When you’re already rich and married to a supermodel and then you wake up and found out you won the lottery.
San Diego Chargers: WHY ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!?!?
San Francisco 49ers: Basketball season starts in like two weeks and your love for the Warriors definitely runs deeper than your love for the 49ers. You’ve totally loved the Warriors long before you knew who Jerry Rice, Steve Young, and Joe Montana where. You didn’t just buy a Warriors jersey two years ago. Nope. WARRIORS! BASKETBALL!
Seattle Seahawks: Preparing to sip your coffee after you knock off the Falcons from their perch.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The only undefeated team in the division.
Tennessee Titans: We just have to keep firing coaches. It’s worked for the Bills.
Washington Redskins: Keep giving us AFC North teams. But not the good AFC North teams. The two that suck.