“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.
Arizona Cardinals: Slowly moving towards the ledge.
Atlanta Falcons: I feel like Julio *Kanye voice*
Baltimore Ravens: The clock finally struck midnight.
Buffalo Bills: Like Rex Ryan around feet.
Carolina Panthers: Slowly joining Cardinals fans toward the ledge.
Chicago Bears: Feeling bad for Jay Cutler. Just a little. Maybe.
Cincinnati Bengals: Very nervous that Dak Prescott is going to continue this magical start.
Cleveland Browns: You’re working really hard, you just
Dallas Cowboys: Very nervous that the Bengals are going to end Dak Prescott’s magical start.
Denver Broncos: Feeling bad for Carolina fans because you apparently broke their team in February.
Detroit Lions: Chilling with Chargers fans.
Green Bay Packers: Past the point of relaxed and all the way into lazy territory. You did nothing on your week off and you’re not stressing an overrated Giants team.
Houston Texans: Mourning the loss of J.J. Watt before looking at the rest of the division and realizing that, holy shit, this division really sucks.
Indianapolis Colts: Just hoping that the entire team stays in London.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Secretly upset that they won and didn’t leave Gus Bradley in London.
Kansas City Chiefs: Wondering if there’s any chance you can just play Ryan Fitzpatrick every week.
Los Angeles Rams: Cautiously optimistic. 3-1 is a nice start, but remember, Jeff Fisher is your head coach.
Miami Dolphins: Talking yourself into.
Minnesota Vikings: Scouting the Seahawks for the potential NFL Title game and feeling good about your chances. As long as it doesn’t come down to Blair Walsh.
New England Patriots: Your boyfriend has been in the hospital for four weeks. You really enjoyed the first three weeks of freedom, but the fourth week sucked and now your boyfriend is getting out and you’re going to fuck him every night.
New Orleans Saints: Slowly talking yourself into believing that Drew Brees is magical and can carry this team into the playoffs despite the lack of defense.
New York Giants: Hating yourself for believing that this was a good team after two weeks.
New York Jets: You know that Street Fighter level where you just beat the shit out of the car? You’re the Street Fighter character. Ryan Fitzpatrick is still the car.
Oakland Raiders: Wondering when the Broncos are going to start sucking.
Philadelphia Eagles: STILL UNDEFEATED AND CARSON WENTZ IS NEVER LOSING!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Surrounding Le’Veon Bell to ensure that all he does is sleep and play football.
San Diego Chargers: No, really, why are you still watching?
San Francisco 49ers: Kneeling for Kaepernick.
Seattle Seahawks: Checking WebMD to see how severe a sprained MCL can get before it becomes torn.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Suddenly realizing that this week’s Monday Night game might not be as bad as you initially feared two weeks ago.
Tennessee Titans: Dustin James said it best.
Washington Redskins: Talking about the Panthers. For some reason.