“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.
Arizona Cardinals: Like every other kicker who lost the game for their team this week.
Atlanta Falcons: Like a kid on Christmas who is expecting a PS4 and gets a regular ass Playstation instead. The original Playstation is cool and playing classic games is fun, but, where the fuck is the PS4? The Bucs torched a defense that should be improved in Dan Quinn’s second season, there was no run game to speak of, and Julio Jones was about as invisible as Julio Jones can be. Now you have to travel to Oakland to face a Raiders team with a ton of confidence. But playing Crash Bandicoot on the plane will be fun.
Baltimore Ravens: Like you just delivered your report to the class having done no research, but you still got a C because you delivered it with such confidence and knew just enough about the topic.
Buffalo Bills: Miserable. The offense was straight trash, and the defense let Mike Wallace, who stopped being relevant a few years ago, have a big day. Now you have to play on Thursday, and everyone knows that Thursday fans are the absolute worst.
Carolina Panthers: Angry. Not because you team lost, but because the referees showed no intent to protect your franchise quarterback from multiple illegal shots to the head. If the NFL doesn’t hand out a bunch of fines, I’m not opposed to rioting.
Chicago Bears: Like Jay Cutler is your quarterback.
Cincinnati Bengals: Good, but not great. You squeaked by a team that has Ryan Fitzpatrick as their quarterback, and now you’re off the play the Steelers in Pittsburgh.
Cleveland Browns: Like CM Punk on Saturday night.
Dallas Cowboys: You remember that Fantasy Football commercial where that girl wearing a Romo jersey is crying in her car and her make-up is all over the place? It’s the featured image in this post. Yup. That’s you. And it’ll likely be you for the next few weeks.
Denver Broncos: Optimistic. Trevor Siemian did pretty well in his first game and the defense, dirty or not, is still a force. You guys got a ton of home cooking, which you shouldn’t count on in the future, but things still look good in Denver.
Detroit Lions: Like Big E, Kofi Kingston, and Xavier Woods, because it’s a new day, yes it is. Let the power of positivity take over your soul. You almost Lions’d it. You were right there, but after coming ahead to lose, you came from behind to win. And you get the Titans this week!
Green Bay Packers: Thanking the Lord every night that Aaron Rodgers is your quarterback and continuing to pray that nothing happens to him.
Houston Texans: Thankful that you opened the season against the Bears and get another home game this week against the Chiefs. You remember what happened in the playoffs, but continue to be thankful that Brian Hoyer is no longer you’re quarterback.
Indianapolis Colts: Question everything. Question why your general manager can’t build a defense. Question why Chuck Pagano is still the head coach. Question whether or not that last play was better or worse than last years fake punt thing. Feel free to question Andrew Luck as well. Just ask a bunch of questions.
Jacksonville Jaguars: You bought a pick five lottery ticket, but only had four numbers correct. You still win some money, but you were this close to hitting the jackpot.
Kansas City Chiefs: Elated. Sure, it’s not good to fall behind 27-3, but if you comeback and win, who cares about the early deficit and how bad your team looked. YOU JUST HAD THE BIGGEST COMEBACK IN FRANCHISE HISTORY!
Los Angeles Rams: You know when the cute girl breaks up with her boyfriend, and you think you have a shot with her, so you ask her out? That’s what happens here. But she says yes, and you’re really excited. But then she stands you up and leaves you at the restaurant all alone.
Miami Dolphins: Disappointed. You had a chance to steal one in Seattle, but you blew it. Now you face the Patriots, who may not have Tom Brady, but are still the Patriots.
Minnesota Vikings: You know when you constantly have to bail your friends out of bad situations? That’s how you feel right now. The offense is a mess, but the defense is so good that it didn’t matter against the Titans. Luckily, you were playing the Titans. You may let your friend rot this week against the Packers.
New England Patriots: You’re a Patriots fan, you don’t care about the regular season. You know that you’ll be in the AFC title game and are just waiting until January.
New Orleans Saints: You’re wondering if that money that went to Brees wouldn’t have been better used on a couple of defensive players. You’re also wondering why they fired Rob Ryan if the defense is going to continue to suck. At least he was fun to laugh at.
New York Giants: Pump the brakes. You’re way too excited about barely beating a mediocre Cowboys team.
New York Jets: You paid BMW price for a beat up Lincoln town car that you immediately wrecked after pulling out of the parking lot.
Oakland Raiders: Suddenly, you feel like all those years of dressing like an idiot is going to pay off.
Philadelphia Eagles: Like you’re going undefeated. You destroyed the Browns, and now you get the Bears this week? Nothing can stop this team.
Pittsburgh Steelers: You’re unstoppable, but you’re nervous. Your offense looked great despite facing the unthrowable against Josh Norman, but now you host the Bengals. They’re the Bengals, but they scare you in the regular season. Just treat it like a playoff game and keep twerking.
San Diego Chargers: Just quit watching football this year. Nothing good can come of it.
San Francisco 49ers: You think Chip Kelly is the offensive genius that he was in Oregon. Then you realize you were playing the Rams, and now you have to travel to Carolina on a short week.
Seattle Seahawks: Worry that Ciara is already costing you the season. You should’ve trounced Miami. Instead, you won in the final minute. The offense looked bad and remember Jimmy Graham? Just blame Ciara.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Realistic. You know that the Falcons defense isn’t good, you’re still excited for the victory. You also know that you have to travel to Arizona this week, and that trip isn’t going to be much fun. However, you’ll get two road games out of the way early and feel pretty good about your team moving forward.
Tennessee Titans: Is it too late to hire Chip Kelly?
Washington Redskins: YOU HATE THAT! YOU PAID JOSH NORMAN HOW MUCH TO NOT COVER ANTONIO BROWN? YOU’RE MAD! YOU’RE PISSED!