The NFL season is nearly upon us and you’ve probably read hundreds of different previews and are just as confused as ever. I’m not here to de-confuse you; Dustin James is currently doing that with his team previews, which are the only previews you should be reading because Dustin James is super smart and watches a ton of football and does a lot of research.
I’m here to preview the season for the casual fan. The guy who knows everything about his team and nothing about every other team. Or the new fan. The guy who knows what football is and has heard of a couple of guys, but only watches the Super Bowl because his friends invite him over and the food and beer are free.
The premise for these previews is simple. I did no research outside of what I typically read on Twitter and wrote down my thoughts. Then I did a little bit of research (meaning I read Dustin James’ previews) so that I don’t look like a complete idiot, and you feel like you got something of value out of reading this.
Presearch: Ryan Fitzpatrick got paid, and they still have Brandon Marshall and Eric Decker. No clue who their running back is. Their defense is good even though Darrelle Revis has seemingly lost a step. Geno Smith is still on their roster which really sucks for them because Geno Smith is terrible. They’re probably the biggest threat to the Patriots, but that’s like saying Ben Carson is a threat to be President.
Research: Oh shit, they signed Matt Forte. Their offense could be really fun. If their defense is as good as they were last year, they could be a threat to the Patriots like Donald Trump is a threat to be President.
Presearch: I feel like the only person who thinks Rex Ryan is still a good coach. Do they still have EJ Manuel? They’re banking on Tyrod Taylor, and I’m not sure he’s that good. Rex always has a top defense, but I’m pretty sure he hired his brother Rob to be the defensive coordinator and his defenses suck. LeSean McCoy and Sammy Watkins are fun. They’ll be competitive cause Rex teams are always competitive.
Research: I didn’t realize that the Bills defense dropped off big time under Rex last season. I highly doubt they’ll be in the bottom half of the league defensively this year. So, while I think their defense will be better, I still don’t trust Tyrod Taylor. And seriously. What does Rob have on his brother? Did he promise him that he won’t eat all the food during the holidays? Or does he have more foot fetish photos? This is the NFL’s biggest mystery.
Presearch: Ryan Tannehill isn’t good. Maybe he takes the next step, but I’m ready to write him off as mediocre. They’ve got that really good receiver who is so good that I can’t remember his name. Jarvis something, right? Who is their coach? I expect Ndamukong Suh to get suspended for at least one game this year. I don’t think they’ll be good. Maybe they win five games.
Research: Oh, they hired Adam Gase. I kind of like him. And Jarvis Landry is the wide receiver. I knew that. Their defense has a lot of names that I recognize like Mario Williams, Kiko Alonso, and Byron Maxwell but I don’t know if those guys are any good at this point. Shit. They got Arian Foster too. Well, a lot of people go to Miami when they’re ready to retire.
Presearch: Tom Brady is suspended for the first four games, but Jimmy Garrapollo is the next Tom Brady, so they’ll be fine. All he has to do is throw the ball to Rob Gronkowski on every play, and they’ll go 3-1 with the one loss coming after Gronk gets injured. Belichick will turn Martellus Bennett into a good tight end, and their defense will be fine because Belichick is a genius.
Research: their offensive line is not good. But Belichick will hide them because that man is a genius. Their defense is much better than I thought they were, but I’m again going to give all the credit to Belichick. Angry Tom Brady is going to be so fun to watch.
Division Winner: New England Patriots