Why Your Favorite NFL Team Sucks

Writing about sports can be difficult sometimes. It’s not that the actual writing part is hard, it’s when you release it to the public and start to put eyes on your work. That’s when things can start to get difficult. Why exactly? Because people take what you say far too seriously and everyone is quick to defend their teams.

That’s why I wrote this here piece. With the NFL season creeping up on us, NFL fans everywhere are already getting defensive about their favorite teams.

So, you know what it’s time for right?

It’s time to tell every single NFL fan why their favorite team is going to suck this year. Yes, this column is going to be filled with negativity, so if you don’t like when people badmouth things, I suggest reading something else now.

For those of you looking to have a little fun though? By all means. This one is for you……

 

cardinals

The Cardinals have one of the best rosters in the NFL, but there’s no way they are winning the Super Bowl as long as they have to rely on the 65-year old brittle ass Carson Palmer. If the NFL season was only 5 games long, I would call the Cardinals “Super Bowl contenders” and be happy about it. A 16-game season + some potential playoff games? You know Drew Stanton is seeing some time somewhere. Yikes.


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With plenty of talent like Julio Jones, Devonta Freeman, & Matt Ryan just to name a few, the Falcons should be consistent Super Bowl threats, yet they aren’t for some reason. Why? Because the defense has been atrocious and so has the head coaching. Guess what. That will likely happen again this next season. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.


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I picked the Baltimore Ravens to win the Super Bowl last season and they ended up one of the worst teams in the league. Call that a lesson learned. My faith in these guys has hit rock bottom. While I once thought they had one of the best rosters in the NFL, I’m selling my Ravens stock quicker than you can say “BALTIMORE SUCKS”.


buffalobills

The Bills haven’t been to the playoffs in almost twenty years. Forget teams that can’t win a playoff game like the Cincinnati Bengals, the Bills can’t even MAKE THE PLAYOFFS! That’s just shameful. Does anyone really expect a team that is head coached by the ultra-insane Rex Ryan with Tyrod Taylor as the QB to end that drought anytime soon? I don’t care how good this team can be on defense, expect the Bills amazing “playoff streak” to continue this year.


carolina-panthers

I expect the Carolina Panthers to once again be one of the best teams in the NFL. I also fully expect the Carolina Panthers to once again get far into the playoffs and then shit the bed in the worst kind of way. Maybe Cam Newton will no-show on the biggest stage of them all and then cry about it at the press conference? Maybe the offensive tackles will once again cost the team a chance at a Super Bowl ring? Plus, who’s going to take Josh Norman’s place? Good lord these guys suck.


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Jay Cutler.


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The Bengals have been the kings of looking good in the regular season and then blowing up in the playoffs. Under head coach Marvin Lewis, the Bengals are 0-7 in the playoffs and if they get there this year, they will be 0-8. Does anyone think Lewis is going to figure out how to win when it counts all of a sudden? Please. The guy is the luckiest dude in the NFL and should have been fired along time ago. He’s lucky that Cincinnati is absolutely fine with mediocrity.


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LOL.


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The Cowboys are an extremely talented team. However, talent only gets you so far when your franchise quarterback is made of ice. You need a quarterback to win in the NFL and with Romo’s injury history, there’s no way you can pick Dallas to win it all this year and feel comfortable about it. Plus, photos have been released from training camp and apparently Romo is fat as well. That’s not good news for Cowboy fans. Although maybe that will actually help him take some of those hits and this all just a master plan by Romo? STAY TUNED.


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Remember what I said about needing a QB to win in the NFL? Well, that rings true…even for last year’s Super Bowl champs. Even though Peyton Manning was pure garbage last season, he was still good enough to get the job done in the end. Are Mark Sanchez and/or Paxton Lynch good enough to get the job done in the end when it matters? No. The Broncos are going to suck this year and it’s going to be GLORIOUS.


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The Lions haven’t won a playoff game since 1991 and have been one of the laughing stocks of the NFL since as long as I can remember. The Lions are such trash that even their best legendary players like Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson retire early because they just can’t stomach it anymore. Such a sad waste of great talent on a pathetic football team. Expect more of the same this year in the “Big D”.


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Who’s going to get injured in Green Bay this season and cost the Packers a chance at a Super Bowl ring? Who’s it going to be? Jordy Nelson, again? Ya, I’ll take that one. If that happens and we get a repeat of last year’s Packers team…..woof. Aaron Rodgers wasn’t the same player he usually was. Randall Cobb played like utter crap after getting his extension in the off-season and Eddie Lacy can’t stop eating still. I never thought Jordy was as important to the Packers as he is, but apparently I was way off. Wrap that dude up in bubble wrap Mike McCarthy.


houston-texas

When has a team that just got crushed in the playoffs 30-0 ever rebounded and won it all next season? Go ahead, I can wait. The Texans may have made some improvements, but they are still a very average football team. Are we supposed to believe that adding Lamar Miller and Brock FREAKING Osweiler to the mix is supposed to all of a sudden make the Texans a Super Bowl contender? Bitch please.


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Did you see this team play last season? The coaching staff has apparently lost their damn mind (remember that fake punt formation????) and Andrew Luck sucks now. I don’t know what happen to the guy that I thought would be the next “John Elway/Joe Montana/Tom Brady” type player in the NFL, but he decided to suck some major ass last season and I don’t know if he’ll get over that hump. The Colts have already gone ahead and paid him like they believe last season was just a bump in the road, but I don’t know how anyone can feel confident going forward considering what we saw on tape last year. Pack it up Colts fans. It’s over already.


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They are the Jacksonville Jaguars. Four things in life are guaranteed:

  1. Life
  2. Taxes
  3. Death
  4. The Jags will suck

 

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Alex Smith and Andy Reid. Regardless of what they’ve accomplished in their careers, they’ll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride. Even if the Chiefs make the Super Bowl, they’ll probably be trailing by 2 TD’s in the fourth quarter with a chance to win the thing and Smith will be throwing check down passes while Andy Reid lets the clock wind down. Woe is me.


 

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Jeff Fisher. He’s the king of mediocrity. Going into a “new” city, you would have thought the Rams wanted to press “reset” on the whole thing. Apparently you’re wrong. The morons running the Rams are apparently more than content with going 7-9 and 8-8 under the guise of Fisher. Sometimes an average coach can find a team that is totally content with either being average or just below average. Maybe if Fisher ever gets fired from the Rams, the Bengals will hire him and he’ll have a job there for 20+ seasons?


 

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The last time the Miami Dolphins were any good, Dan Marino & Snowflake got kidnapped, Tone Loc was working for the Miami Police Department, and Einhorn was Finkle. That was ALONG time ago for those of you wondering. Lately though, the Dolphins have just been blowing money on high-profile free agents in hopes of re-capturing that magic and unseating the New England Patriots as “Kings of the AFC East”. That hasn’t happened yet and it won’t happen anytime soon. Why? Because the Dolphins suck.


 

vikings

Minnesota is a nice little football team. Nice only gets you so far though. How far exactly? How about a missed field goal away from beating the Seattle Seahawks in the playoffs? Yes, that kick still haunts the nightmares of Vikings fans everywhere and will continue to do so. Sometimes you have to rely on your kicker to win games for you, especially when your franchise QB is only throwing 14 TD’s per year in a PASSING LEAGUE. Be better Teddy Bridgewater. The Vikings are going to need it.


 

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Have you ever heard the phrase “All good things must come to an end”? Of course you have. You know who else has heard it? Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots and trust me when I say….they are more than aware that time is almost up on their dynasty. With Tom Brady suspended for the first four games of the season, that could very well be happening. Let’s say Jimmy Garoppolo comes in and absolutely surprises everyone? Do the Patriots then BENCH their savior of the past 15+ years? Remember when Tom Brady took the job from Drew Bledsoe? Are we about to see a repeat of that now? I doubt it. Jimmy Garoppolo is no Tom Brady and this year’s Patriots aren’t as good as the early 2000’s teams. We are about to see the end of an era everyone.


 

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When’s the last time an NFL football team won anything of importance when they had a defense that is as bad as the Saints have? Never. And you know what New Orleans did in the off-season to improve their dreaded defense? Nothing at all. It’s going to be another loooooooooong year in the “Big Easy”.


 

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Speaking of teams that were absolutely awful on defense last season, ladies and gents…..the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS! Unlike the Saints though, the Giants made a lot of moves in the off-season to improve their defense. Unfortunately for Giants fans, those moves will likely take some time to work themselves out though. Plus, the Giants have a new head coach who has never coached an NFL game in his life. This team is FAR from guaranteed to be good this year and the whole thing could end up collapsing on itself. Let’s hope that happens because if anyone loves a good disaster….it’s me.


 

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The Jets are a solid team. However, when you make questionable personnel decisions like bringing in a QB who can help your team make the playoffs JUST DAYS BEFORE TRAINING CAMP STARTS….I worry about what’s really going on with the inner makings of the team. The Jets are a talented football team on both sides of the ball and with Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB, it gives them their best chance to win football games. Everyone knew that….except the Jets apparently. The Jets tried to play hardball with Fitzpatrick by publicly proclaiming Geno Smith as “their guy” and Jets fans everywhere were contemplating suicide. I don’t care what ended up happening in the end. The fact that the people in charge of running the Jets were more than content with putting Geno out there and telling Fitzpatrick to “kick rocks” instead of quarterbacking them to the playoffs has me extremely worried about this team’s future. These guys obviously have no idea how to run a football team.


 

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The Raiders slogan is “Just win baby”. That’s highly ironic considering the Raiders have been one of the worst NFL franchises in the 2000’s thus far. They added some nice pieces in the off-season and hope that they can return to prominence in the NFL this season. However, adding free agents and hoping they can all work together can be a pipe dream sometimes. Chemistry is extremely underrated as an NFL tool and the Raiders might struggle with that this season. When you combine the fact that they play in a really tough division, then one would say the Raiders are far from a lock to be good this season. As a matter of fact, some would say they are going to suck.


 

philadelphia-eagles-logo

The Eagles don’t know who their quarterback is going to be this season. The Eagles hired a new head coach who is coming from a team in which he had pretty much ZERO responsibilities on. The Eagles fired a head coach last season who had a winning record with the team, but didn’t go to holiday parties which made the owner upset and so he was fired. The Eagles are an absolute disaster and are going to be one of the most exciting teams to watch this season….for all the wrong reasons.


 

steelers-logo

The Steelers have one of the most talented teams in the league. The problem is, they can’t seem to get them all on-the-field at the same time. I would love to sit here and proclaim the Steelers as favorites to win the Super Bowl, but somehow Le’Veon Bell would fuck that up.


 

chargers

Now that the city of Cleveland got to feel what it’s like to win a championship when the Cavaliers won the NBA title a few months ago, do you care to take a bet on which city is now the most cursed city in sports? That’s right! IT’S SAN DIEGO! Congratulations guys! Even though you have awesome weather, gorgeous women, and beautiful beaches….your sports teams suck. And guess what? The Chargers are once again going to suck this season. Oh well. Something tells me you guys will be perfectly OK crying into your Coronas’ while kicking back in a beach chair in December.


 

49ers

Blaine Gabbert and/or Colin Kaepernick.


 

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Why do the Seahawks suck? Because of this…..

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Seriously. What the hell is going on with this poster? Is Russell Wilson quickly becoming the biggest douche in the NFL? I’m going with yes.


 

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I think Lovie Smith is a good football coach.

I think the Tampa Bay Buccaneers pre-maturely fired Lovie for no good reason.

I think the Tampa Bay Buccaneers suck.


 

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Mike Mularkey. Worst head coach in the NFL.


 

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Dan Snyder. Worst owner in the NFL.

One thought on “Why Your Favorite NFL Team Sucks

  1. Pingback: Full NFL Coverage – The Ultimate Sports Blog

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